On yearly highlights and a total lack of fireworks

And what a year it's been.

On sobs, hopes and homecoming

Going home ended up feeling a little rough. I mean, mom was visibly upset (while the others were being far more sombre about it), and hugging everyone just made me successively more bummed out. My niece kept hugging me over and over, and right before I walked out the door, she called my name. "Can you not be gone for such a long time?" she asked, her tiny voice quivering. "Because I'm going to miss you so much. But you know, even if you are gone for long, we'll still be together." And I broke down like a little shit. I'd managed to keep it together up until that point, but it was just impossible to not grab that adorable little munchkin and hug the crap out of her while sobbing.

Goddamn onion cutting ninjas are sneaking around my parents' house, that's for sure.

On mom tears and heartache

I can feel like such a dick when it comes to my family sometimes. I don't mean to be, but I'm pretty sure I'm a giant asshole every now and again. I think everyone probably is, but whenever I notice it I end up feeling really guilty about it. I'm still totally a non-confrontational kid at heart, and I hate making people sad or disappointed, so fights really get to me. Fights that aren't fights but rather just expressing negative emotions in a heartfelt way are the worst. There's just no guarding yourself from shit like that, is there?

On tequila, life goals and homesickness

Now this may be really pretentious of me to say, but you haven't lived unless you've been in a really sketchy bar in Tokyo at 2 a.m., downing tequila shots while people chant your name.

In Tokyo, I'm living the life I will one day be telling my grandkids about, and I am madly in love with every second of it, so going to Stockholm was obviously something that was a bit dreaded. Incoming: I'm totally going to unload what's been going on the past week. Wall of text incoming!

On Christmas delays

Merry Christmas, silent readers! As you may or may not have figured out, I'm currently hanging out in Sweden, celebrating Christmas with my family, thus leading to the non-existent blogging. Have no fear though! I'll be back soon enough, and with plenty to say, so stay tuned and have a lovely Christmas.

On potatoes and bad timing

Once again, I've been shit at writing. Sorry, silent readers. It's been a pretty crazy week of me running around, desperately trying to prepare myself for my trip. There have been so many things to sort out - presents, the Tomsons, my rent money being paid... I didn't even have a suitcase. As always, my procrastinating skills are something to be admired.

On courage, knits and kitchy Christmas trees

I put up my Christmas tree today. It's hard to make a small pink tree fit in in an apartment that I'm striving to turn into a minimalist paradise, because I guess cyan pink plastic doesn't usually signify minimalism in any way, shape or form, but I like to think it kinda works. I just can't really figure out in which order I should sort my rice cooker, fruit tray and plant now that they have to compete with my plastic monstrosity (that I secretly love). Despite having absolutely zero Christmas cheer going on (since the weather here is identical to mid-October weather in Sweden and it in no way feels like Christmas yet), I kinda like having a little piece of winter wonderland hanging around.

On different kinds of hunger

People have an interesting views on relationships here in Japan. They're super casual about them in a lot of different ways, and completely confusing about them in others. It's pretty cool when they're super chill about one night stands and casual hookups, but maybe less cool when people who come to my lessons talk about going on dates and being in love with other women, despite being married. Like, it's cool if everyone's in on it, but something tells me that their wives are stuck at home, taking care of the kids, while the men hang out with women after work and have like a whole other world out there. Even the magazines that litter the break room are filled with classifieds where people are looking to cheat on their spouses. Stop it Japan, that shit ain't cute.

On dreamed lifestyles and wins

So yeah, I managed to score that other job.

I can't say I have any idea how this happened, since I felt like I crashed and burned spectacularly, given that I had nothing at all to work from in terms of material, and was thrown into a real life situation with a real client after first having gotten lost and then running all the way to the office. Great first impression there. I also managed to draw a black dot on my boob with the whiteboard pen during the lesson, that I just pulled out of my ass (the lesson, not the pen). The student seemed really serious, asking me how I would plan her lessons, and 'what textbooks I would require her to use', and I'm just sitting there like: "Shit shit shit, I want you to tell me what to do, like my other clients do in the safety of the Gaba LS", eventually just spewing out any and every random idea I had to fill a potential two hours a week, and to my great surprise, Mr. Stone River told me that she was feeling it, and that he was impressed with what he'd seen when he was sticking his head in the door. "I had this image of Gaba people being useless without their textbooks, but you proved that's not the case." Adding to that, he threw on an extra 500 yen per lesson, boosting it to Natto's rate of 2500 yen per hour, as opposed to the usual 2000. Can I just say that I'm feeling pretty psyched? Because I'm feeling pretty psyched. Scared shitless, but psyched.

On reckless sleeping

I can't seem to get out of bed lately. I'll have my clock set for like 8 or 9 a.m., but once that time rolls around it's nigh on impossible to even get my eyes to focus, and I end up going back to sleep for a few hours, still feeling more or less exhausted when I wake up. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm getting sick? I have had a crappy sore throat the past few days after all, coupled with constant headaches, but not a fever or anything. Even if I'm nervous about Christmas, I'm really appreciating the thought of time off. This year's almost over now, and it's been a seriously crazy ride. A pit stop before lap two is pretty welcome, I think.

On potatoes and aqua men

"You're so oshare!" one of my favourite from the Japanese staff said today. I was a little taken aback, since 'oshare' means 'fashionable' and 'cool-looking', and I was just wearing my usual work getup (plus glasses, funky socks and a big-ass scarf). I guess drop crotch pants make me look cool even when I'm a square. I guess that's a plus. Even in my lessen observations, the people doing them write that I 'always look professional'. I'm just happy to be able to get away with this kind of stuff - as some of you may remember, that was one of my biggest issues with this job: having to wear business attire (because I'm a terribly vain person). Just give my Fashion Pajamas and I'm good to go.

On Christmas crisis

The thought of going back to Sweden legitimately terrifies me.

On confusing boys and beautiful furniture

Furniture stores in Japan are something special, especially the more expensive ones. I love going in there to just look around, checking out all that minimalistic elegance. Touching the furniture in a japanese furniture store is like sex. It just feels that good. The good stuff is grotesquely expensive though. I found some nice desk lamps, all costing about the same as a month of my rent. Geez, why can't I have worse taste?

On finding myself mainstream

Just as pop culture has taught us, Japanese girls are cute. Most of them are cute in that non-descript way that happens when people have the same haircut, same makeup style and look like they shop in the same store (i.e. probably 80% of all college girls around here), and it's a way that requires a lot of work. When I moved I was about as low maintenance as anyone could imagine. Since moving, however, I've grown far more interested in makeup and other girly things, and I've expanded my routines to things like bb cream, blush, makeup remover before bed, and shaving my legs with razors that aren't the cheap disposable kind (setting the bar high here, I know). In the Japanese mind, I'm still very low maintenance, but it's funny how much more effort I spend on this stuff now. It's funny how much I like spending effort on this stuff. I'm still me. I'm just a far more put together version of me than most people know me as.

Still as true as it ever was.

On channeling Korean housewives

I had a total housewife day today, deep cleaning the apartment and cooking up some chicken bibimbap. Mid-cooking I started thinking about what it was like when Moonlight cooked it for me and Pony, and how much I really miss him. I even use the same brand of Korean chili paste as we did then, just out of nostalgia. Moonlight and I used to hang out all the time, and he became very close to our friend group very fast, and the fact that I wanted to go to Seoul last weekend but couldn't just made it a little harder to bear. It's been so long now. Then out of nowhere, he started talking to me on facebook again. I don't know if my brain sent out an 'Hey friend, I need you'-SOS, or something, but it was nice to know that I'm not the only person feeling the loss.

On happy Mondays

Today T and I hung out in Kawasaki, going to the Nihon Minkaen, an open air museum in the woods, or at least a park that actually looked like woods instead of a silly little grove with manicured trees (which is what usually passes for woods around here). It was really relaxing, and a whole lot of fun. Definitely a good way to end my four day weekend, which I was feeling a little guilty about taking seeing as I managed to do spectacularly little with it. Still, it feels worth it to be feeling so refreshed. So yeah, brace yourselves, idyllic picture spam incoming.

On hormones, walks and being, well... tall

I know I took all this time off to do something awesome this weekend, but frankly, I haven't really done shit. I don't know if this was a good thing or bad thing. Maybe it was something I really needed. I've been drawing a lot, and that's something I haven't done in a long time. It felt nice to reconnect with it, if you know what I mean. I felt a little lonely the first two days, and I didn't really open my mouth for 48 hours except to speak to my fish and the shop staff, but in a way, maybe that was restful too. I've been having crazy hormones too, resulting in both my body hating me and my head feeling kinda out of sorts. Gotta love all those wonderful female hormones, am I right?

On colds, concentration issues and cuties

So hey, you guys remember when I wrote that this apartment is kinda cold?

I am currently wearing not one, but two knitted sweaters and a big-ass woolen scarf, because oh-my-god-this-fucking-country-needs-to-learn-to-isolate-their-fucking-buildings. It doesn't help that one of my walls is literally just windows. I guess this is kinda exacerbated by the fact that I'm exhausted and am probably getting a bit sick - that does always make me really cold (and gives me undereye circles of absolute fucking doom), but the truth cannot be denied - I look like an eastern European immigrant from the 1800's. I'm so happy I have the next four days off. There's a lot of tea drinking and heat conserving in store for me for the next few days.

On parental love and new work allies

Is my phone trying to tell me that it thinks I should stop being a loser, cleaning my aquarium, and go out and play instead?

On scales, the subconscious and sad students

In accordance to starting working out, I've been wondering if I should get scales. This might not sound like such a big deal, but it's something I've been staying away from for five years. As people who know me know, I used to have an eating disorder around the time I was 19 - I'd weigh myself once a day and the number had to be lower than the day before, even by just a little, or I'd kick the whole not-eating thing up another notch. After I'd gotten over my food obsession, I didn't get on a scale for years. I didn't want to jinx it. But now I'm wondering if it's safe to try again, or if it'll just be the gateway to new obsessions. Are former eating disorders really something you can get rid of? Are relapses really relapses, or does it just never really go away? And would it definitely mean relapse to get one, or can it be just a piece of furniture the way I want it to be? I don't feel obsessive about it now, after all. I'm thinking I should be able to handle it. I mean, it's a scale - an inanimate object with numbers on it. I think I'm enough of an adult to have it not control my life.

I mean, I say I'm an adult, but I just noticed that the shirt I'm wearing is on backwards. SO YEAH WHATEVER. I also accidentally bought cereal with a 'light chocolate flavour' instead of the bran cereal I thought I was getting. Looks like my subconscious is set on being immature for a little longer.

My subconscious, were it a pupppet.

On workouts and pig-outs

Usually, when people move to Japan, it's pretty common that they lose weight. After all, Japan has a lot of really good low-calorie foods, like sushi, and a lot of walking to keep people in shape. I, on the other hand, gained weight, probably mostly due to karaage, coffee drinks, alcohol and carbs galore. Not exactly happy about that, so when I went out on Saturday, I got myself a yoga mat. I tried out a 30 minute program that very night, and a 20 minute program the next morning, and was pretty embarrassed by how extremely weak I am. My whole body was shaking within the first ten minutes. I knew I wasn't all that strong, but to witness the full extent of my powerlessness did feel like a bit of a wakeup call.  You know what I was saying the other day about wanting to improve? Yeah, that wasn't me bullshitting. I'm actually going to attempt to find some mind-body-heart balance. Hell knows that would be a first.

The Tomsons like watching me do yoga. Not sure how I feel about that.

On colds and coziness

I used to scoff when people would tell that Tokyo was really cold in the fall and winter. Like "Shut up, I'm from the great white north, I've known cold you wouldn't even believe", but shit, this place is freezing. Why the hell is there no isolation at all in these walls? I mean, I knew they were thin, but I thought that the apartment being tiny would make up for that. Yeah, that's not the case. Come night time, this apartment can be dubbed mini-Siberia.

On image changes and autumn days

There's something about living in this country that makes me legitimately want to become a better version of myself. I put a lot of effort into things, from work to clothing, to language skills and general appearance, in a way I didn't do before, and I find myself enjoying it. I've started studying again on a daily basis. I pay all of my bills on time. I do skin care. I have the cleanest living space I've ever had (which anyone who's ever lived with me can testify to). I can keep plants alive. I change my bed linens on a weekly basis. I do laundry even when I haven't run out of underwear. I iron. I use fucking fabric softener. Is this what it's like to be a grown-up? Because... I kinda like it. Bet you never saw that coming.

(and can we just take a moment to appreciate how super hot Beenzino is in this fucking video? Like damn, boy, lemme get you some.)

On hubs and dancing

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how amazing this song is? Sakanaction are totally awesome on their own, but when they remix their own songs, it's like a whole new level of something that just makes the pleasure centers in my brain explode. It's like an 8 minute eargasm. It's the first song they played way back when T and I went to Sonicmania, and I've been searching for it ever since in an obsessive attempt to make it mine and listen to it every day. Luckily they released a new single a few weeks ago, and there it was. Listening to it again for the first time since that night yesterday, all I could do was to once again acknowledge Ichiro Yamaguchi as God, and bow down to his brilliance.

On dates, design and day dreams

Oh silent readers,  you really are sweet when you aren't silent. Time flies, and suddenly it's been like two weeks without posting and I have no idea how that happened. Things have been... I don't know, pretty happening I guess? No worries, I'm going to clue all you dolls in. I'm not dead anyway, nor are things all terrible over here. On the contrary - about a billion things have happened, a lot of them quite pleasant, and while I was feeling kinda low about stuff there for a while, the real turning point came when one of my friends and I were chilling on my balcony, watching the clouds in the night sky, and after telling him all about how I felt given everything going on, he paused for a bit before going: "You've left your home to go live far, far away. You're doing this all by yourself, and sure, it's hard, but you're doing it. I really respect that."

In a way, that felt like what I needed to hear at the time. A local, just acknowledging that this shit is hard. I wouldn't change it for the world, seeing as I love my life here, but hearing that you're admired for your efforts was like a turning point for me. A lot of the time I feel like people I meet view me as a strange but entertaining specimen, and they can't really understand why I came to Tokyo, but in that moment it was like at least one person here gets it, and can relate. It cheered me up more than I thought it would.

On deaths and magic

Things have been pretty up and down for the past few days. For one, there have been a number of casualties in the aquarium department despite my best intentions - Debu-chan and Gin-chan have both died, and the Tomson 5 have been decimated to the Tomson 3. That being said, they seem to be much happier chilling on their own in the tank, and I have hopes that they might be able to pull through. I was genuinely saddened by the death of Debu-chan, seeing the amount of work I put into keeping him alive, but I guess with everything from the new tank that hasn't cycled properly yet, the stress of being a festival fish, the ich and all that just escalated to the point where there wasn't really anything to do anymore. It sucks, but what can you do? At least now they have some greenery and a big-ass wooden stump to hide behind, and I'm hoping they'll pull through.

On roads and growing

The Philosopher and I broke up last night. It was kinda long in the making, with things being bad for quite some time this fall, but it just got to the point where we wanted different things, and couldn't give the other what they wanted. I wanted space, he wanted more emotional availability. I'm not the type of person who likes to admit defeat, but the distance wasn't doable in the way we would've liked it to be. We still both deeply care for one another, and would've obviously wished that things could have progressed differently, but things don't happen in this world as they would in an ideal. I worried a lot about the future, since I don't want to leave Japan, and while he offered to try to find a graduate position in Tokyo, this life isn't easy. This place is different. It makes you different, and if you don't want that, or don't want to come here for your own sake, it's not going to work. For him to give up his entire life and move across the globe to a country he knows practically nothing about and with a language he knows literally nothing of, would have been too much weight on my shoulders. I didn't want that.

On infinite spaces

Sad things happen to good people.

On nests and disco homes

So far I'm pretty convinced that Debu-chan has something known as Ich. This morning now all I could really do was watch him, since I was waiting for my IKEA delivery and kinda couldn't leave my apartment, but I was freaking out a little internally. I wanted to run out and buy a heater, a siphon and some fish salt, along with some plants for comfort, but time-wise I was in a really bad place. I needed to head to work, and even though it was pretty much as far from a busy day as humanly possible,  I was scared that they might not be alive by the time I came back home. Luckily, since pretty much no one showed up to work today, student-wise, I was able to take two of my coworkers to the very serious goldfish shop during my food break. Getting home, I immediately cleaned the tank, changed the water and medicated the whole thing, turning the water blue. The fish seemed to like their new disco home, until one of the Tomson 5 promptly died. Disco homes must not be for everybody. While this saddens me a bit, my main priority in this case is Debu-chan, who does seem to look happier. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what will happen now.

On pet ponderings

It's nice to have pets. It's nice to have something waiting for you when you get home in the evening, silently chilling in the corner with only the low soothing bubbling of the filter making any noise. I understand why fish are so popular here. They make for really nice decoration in relatively cramped conditions, and they're kinda personable when you really look at them. Enough so to make me kinda anxious about everything they do and don't do. These goldfish are now my babies, and no matter how resilient the good people of the internet tell me that they are, I'm terrified that I'll end up fucking them up.

On festivities and festivals

Man, this weekend, you guys. It's been completely off the hook. So much going on! And so little time to do grown-up things like dishes or laundry. The way a weekend should be, that is. That being said, I'm completely exhausted and feel pretty drained. Natto, my cute Japanese-Australian coworker was over at my booth today, going "Have you slept okay? Not that you don't look good, but you look kinda out of it," which I guess is true. I was feeling dazed today. Ever since the typhoons, bookings have been less than stellar at work, for a lot of people.

Hopefully the work I put in at the Halloween party ends up paying off. I mean, it was an alright event, even though I can't say I could distinguish it too much from actual work, but whatever. Free food, free drinks, and lots of cute tiny Japanese girls who wanted to pose with and hug the Snorlax. Life could be worse.

Colleagues, more or less in focus.

On Swedish days and Snorlax wonderings

Man, trying to think of a good outfit for Halloween parties is hard! I decided on being the Snorlax, because hell, it's the easiest outfit imaginable, but there are so many questions. Will people get it? Will I look enough like the Snorlax for the resemblance to be there? How should I wear my hair? Should I make it into two little ear buns for when I want to wear the hood down, even if this plus my hood makes my head look enormous? Should I wear glasses or force myself into my old contacts, seeing as I haven't had time to get any new ones? Should I go for a cute or natural makeup? What shoes should I wear? What do I wear underneath this crazy warm outfit? I mean, Snorlaxin' ain't easy.

On friendly concerns and furniture conundrums

Being in a bit of a slump, it was a really nice feeling to have today be the last day of the week. I was tempted to call in sick and take the day off, but I figured that I'd feel better if I just went in and busted it out, working through everything feeling shitty right now. One of my older coworkers, Andrew, looked at me and went "Wow, you look practically suicidal. What's wrong?" And yeah, while that doesn't exactly help me cheer up, I was kinda moved by the fact that he wasn't just saying it to be a dick. Andrew has no filter and will just spew out whatever he thinks of, but I could tell that he was actually coming from a place of kindness and concern. He kept trying to talk to me in the breaks between lessons, not accepting my "You know, stuff," as a viable answer, but really trying to get at the problem. It felt a little invasive, since Andrew isn't really the type of character I would spontaneously go to if I had a problem, but the thought was there, and that actually did make a difference. It made me feel better, all things considered. I just didn't think that my inner crappiness was so visible. Gonna have to work on that.

On new buddies and no buddies

I was really sure I had things under control, work-wise, because it was going so well there for a moment. I was cruising at a 4.8, but then suddenly, it dropped to 4.74, and now with a 3 in the baggage, it's down to a 4.67, and I'm so confused as to where things went wrong. Days I feel were good were apparently shit, and it's like all the energy I'm mustering to be a good teacher is wasted because I don't know which way to turn to please everybody. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've still only been doing this for four months, and I'm busting my balls every day, but fuck, I'm just so confused. At least it's not a negative, but I was doing so well. Now? I have no idea. The constant judging is making my head spinn.

On decisions

On typhoons and other shitty things

As if one typhoon wasn't enough, another one rolled in today, completely obliterating my plans to go to go to a hot springs resort someplace and soak my worries away. Instead, I ended up going with on a museum adventure day with T, to two of the most depressing and disgusting museums in Tokyo - the Parasitological Museum in Meguro, and the Yushukan war museum at the Yasukuni shrine. Because what is a better substitute for rest and relaxation than parasites and death?

On typhoons and other cool things

For once, things have felt like they've been lining up. I mean, the weekend felt pretty bad, what with hormonal crap going on and everything, but so far, this week has proven to be pretty good. Knock on wood and all that. Work is on a total roll, and I feel really proud of myself for turning it around. I'm not sure exactly what I did to make it work, but whatever it was it seems to be responding with people, and I feel good.

On bloodbaths and disappointments

I've had such a weird weekend. Like, I've been so off. Everything just left me totally 'meh'. I had plans to go get cushions to use to sit on the floor, and even had ideas of going to IKEA to pick up chairs or a cart for the kitchen or whatever, but I ended up just sitting around, watching crappy TV shows and eating avocado. I guess it was just some of those days, but it feels like I wasted a perfectly good couple of days, and with that, a perfectly good weekend off.

On two weeks of radio silence, part two

One of the things that felt really hard for me during my radio silence was the fact that I felt completely isolated from my family. How isolated? Well, when visiting Sankeien, my brother texted me asking if I wanted to be in on my cousin's wedding gift. I was not invited to this wedding.

Now obviously that probably wasn't a slight, but more of a 'Well, it's not like she can come anyway'-type deal, but to not even be asked when clearly everyone else in the family was, felt harsh. When talking to mom later, she mentioned a funeral they were going to on the weekend. Apparently the wife of my dad's twin brother had died. No one had told me.

So yeah, that was fun. Feeling like the world has moved on without you, and that just four months can make your own family stop thinking about you was something that quite upset me. It's like because I'm not there, I don't matter. And what helps when you're feeling upset?

On two weeks of radio silence, part one

So this thing about writing on a regular basis doesn't seem to be working out all too great for me. September turned out to be a pretty crazy month of bad sleeping, skin breakouts and major fights with the Philosopher. It was a bad time. It's still not great, and there are still a whole bunch of things I'm considering, but at least work seems to be in a better place. I seem to have gotten some of the mojo back that I lost while in the middle of a shit storm. In a way, it feels kinda good to just throw yourself into trying to do a good job at work. The past two weeks, it's like I've actually given a crap about the people I teach. It's a welcome change, I guess.

So what have I been up to these past few weeks of radio silence? Well, I've taken the road down Memory Lane, into Thinking Territory. The inside of my head is a pretty interesting place, this time of year. Don't worry, I've been to actual places too, but they're kinda related.

On pettiness, gangster Koreans and beautiful houses

So it seems like this is turning into more of a weekly thing than a daily thing, and it tends to focus mostly on the weekends. Seeing as my life kinda happens on the weekends, and weekdays kinda have 'work' written all over them. Isn't that everyone though? I mean, isn't that kinda... life? But yeah, bring it on, weekends. Let's let loose!

On playing catch up, part two

Hey look, I'm not taking forever to post part two! I might actually be getting back on some sort of writing wagon. So yeah, I split my update of the past few weeks into two  parts, seeing as the first one alone had like a million different pictures and stories. I don't want you to O.D. on my Japan craziness. Getting back on it now though, no worries.

Oh, and more goldfish.

On playing catch-up, part one

Oh hi there! Bet you guys were thinking I was dead or had been kidnapped by the yakuza or something. I'm back anyway. You miss me and my everyday ramblings? Well here, have a much overdo long-ass, picture-heavy post. Take it as a token of apology. I feel bad for neglecting my writing, and for neglecting you, my silent readers. I don't know if I'd say that things have been busier than usual, but there's a lot going on in my world and in my head, and I haven't really felt like writing all that much, but I haven't forsaken you! I'm going to give you a quick rundown of everything now instead. Brace yourself, walls of text and pictures are coming. And goldfish. A lot of goldfish.

On prodigal returns

On boats, fish and concerts

I'm really kind of bad at the whole updating thing, aren't I? Apologies, Silent Readers, as always. Things are cosily chaotic in my world as always. Ups and downs, back and forths, and it's hard to really know where my mind is at. While that's pretty liberating, I feel a little like I'm lost at sea, just paddling any which way and hoping that whatever current carries my boat will eventually carry me to some peace of mind. It's been a bumpy couple of weeks.

On yo-yo work and yo-yo days

August has so far not been the most stellar of months for me, at least not work-wise. Everyone in Japan is currently celebrating Obon, which means that everyone who's not originally from Tokyo is leaving the city to hang out with relatives, and everyone who's actually from Tokyo is deciding to not give a shit about English. My bookings are low, and I got another pesky negative yesterday. It ended up making me feel rather crushed. Luckily though, the blow was significantly softened in that I'd already asked my bosses for my lesson score comments, so that I'd know what to improve and what I was doing right. This apparently impressed the both of them to the degree that they even mentioned it to the Gaba higher-ups. I've gotta hand it to Peewee, him telling me to ask my superiors really put me in an awesome light. One of them came by my booth today to tell me to not mind the negative, and that he 'got more negatives in the first few months than I can count with all of my fingers and toes'. My colleagues also tell me not to freak out about it either. I'm working on caring less. Some students are just messed up, I guess.

On new nicknames and backburner dreams

Having colds in Japan is something else. I've had one brewing for the past few days, and after a complete zombie day on Tuesday where there was snot coming out of my nose at a near faucet-like capacity. Shit was nasty. I don't know if it just made me seem like a more engaged teacher, like 'Hey, I care so much about my students that I'm at work even when I look like I should be six feet under', or if they were all just nice people, but no one gave me shit about it. On the contrary, the last two people I had that day when I was at my most Night-of-the-Living-Dead-esque were super friendly. That being said, I still managed to get Wednesday off and spent nearly all of it sleeping and binge-watching Orange Is the New Black. I'm still pretty out of it, and I don't feel like eating much of anything at all, but I still make myself. Anything to get away from feeling like a truck ran me over.

On good trips and strange brains

 
I find it funny how my brain and body decided to go: "Oh, so the person who's been visiting is actually your boyfriend? Sorry, our bad." and suddenly dumping massive amounts of affection on me to spread around a week before the Philosopher left. Now I feel like all the hugs and cuddles. Awesome. Mom did tell me that things would be weird, but I feel a little guilty for how things have been recently. I wish this could've kicked in sooner. It's not like I've been aloof on purpose, but things haven't felt easy for me. And while we've spent a lot of time trying to iron out awkward issues that arose on account of everything being horribly weird (because there's like, what, half a world between us now?), I did really enjoy having him here, and we did a lot of pretty great stuff.

On goodbyes