On mom tears and heartache

I can feel like such a dick when it comes to my family sometimes. I don't mean to be, but I'm pretty sure I'm a giant asshole every now and again. I think everyone probably is, but whenever I notice it I end up feeling really guilty about it. I'm still totally a non-confrontational kid at heart, and I hate making people sad or disappointed, so fights really get to me. Fights that aren't fights but rather just expressing negative emotions in a heartfelt way are the worst. There's just no guarding yourself from shit like that, is there?

Today I had a new discussion with mom about my future and stuff. As always, she was on me about my architecture career, my future plans for Japan, my ended relationship with the Philosopher, the idea of me dating anyone in Japan, and my student loans. I got a little annoyed and defensive when these subjects are broached, since I feel like this happens all the time and I end up feeling second guessed constantly, so I probably was a little snappier than I should've been, up until the point where I could hear mom's voice starting to break, before she broke down crying at the thought of me staying in Japan for at least another year. Can we talk about feeling guilty? Because I felt like a piece of shit. No decent person is supposed to make their mom cry. That's just utter douchery, and probably should be listed in one of the circles of hell in Dante's Inferno.

The thing with my parents is that they know what it's like to be restless and want to live in other places. They know that parents don't like much when their kids leave, and they know that kids don't (and shouldn't) bother with that and instead go out on adventures. They know it - theoretically. Emotionally on the other hand... well, I think that's a lot harder. I kinda figured that they'd be more okay with it, seeing as they have three other kids around with a whole bunch of kids of their own, and that my presence ultimately wouldn't mean all that much, but maybe that's just me being a cold and heartless bastard. It's frustrating to handle when mom asks me if I'm fucking my life and career up by going away and not getting a job in architecture or staying put to climb some sort of career ladder, but I know it's out of love. Despite our bickering and arguing, I really love my mom and I understand that she wants what's best for me. It's hard explaining to her that what feels best for me is what feels completely shitty for her though. I think I'm doing the right thing - I just can't show concrete evidence of it, and I think that makes her nervous. "I know I say things that aren't always well thought-out, or tactful, but I do it because I care," she said, and I know that's the case. It's just hard to make it all match up, you know? Different personalities cause some strife, after all. I'm thinking I should try a little harder to be easier to get along with, though. I want to console her and make her worry less, but it's hard to know how.

I told the Philosopher I'd be having a hard time coming by to pick up my stuff Before leaving, because of this whole family mess, and I told him about mom Crying. "Yeah, I totally get that," he told me, "since I reacted the exact same way."

I just feel like the universe is succeeding in its ambition to make me feel like a giant asshole. Thanks, universe. I don't want to be. I really try not to be. I just... I just don't want to give this up, you know?