On hormones and hopes

So this week is shaping up to be the longest drumroll of my life. Two weeks ago, the boss's wife said they'd want to talk to me about my situation this week, but so far, no one has made any effort to have any kind of conversation with me. It's enormously stressful. I try to tell myself that no news is good news, and that at least they're not kicking me out, but combining this work-related anxiety with being all hormonal and period-y, I feel kinda miserable. I'm kinda doubting everything, including Turtle's real affection, because when things feel shitty, all of my logic goes straight out the window.

On stresses and stressers

Last night I was freaking out about my trip to Sweden, and decided to level with mom and ask her what her thoughts were on the matter. Now, I don't always get along with my mom, but sometimes talking to her will make some idea or other spring up. I tried explaining the whole visa issue to her, and while I'm not completely sure she understood what I meant, she suggested that I postpone my trip if it was causing me so much anxiety. "I think you need to come home and see people you love," she said. "Not just your family, but people that mean things to you. But if it's going to be a huge source of stress, it's better to opt out for now and plan it for Christmas or something." I guess that makes sense.

On fireworks, crazy times and true love

Aaand I'm back. Sorry for the delay and all, but it's been a rough ride the past couple of weeks. Working three jobs is really beginning to take its toll on me, and still not really knowing what's up with the architecture job is stressful as hell. I want that job. I want it really bad.

Anywho, in short what's been going on: The presentation of the Shibuya building went well. This, in a best case scenario, means that they'll be thinking about taking over my visa, and my days of people anxiety and fake smiles are gone (most likely to be replaced with work anxiety and deer-in-the-headlights looks). Turtle worked a whole lot and was then adorable, as Turtle tends to be. Time's ticking, and my trip back to Sweden should be happening soon, and it's stressing mee out. A friend from back home is currently in Japan, right smack dab in the middle of all my crap I've got going on. Shit's cray, y'all.

On chills

I have zero chill with this new job. Not that they're demanding a lot from me or anything, but I'm demanding a lot from myself. Before Gaba - architecture. After Gaba - architecture. The fact that the bat is kinda, well, mine makes me very invested in making sure it turns out amazing. So I sit, snivelling in my heavily air conditioned room with the curtains drawn to keep out the relentless heat, and try desperately to think of something cool (pun intended).

On kindness and cosmic irony

So you know how I mentioned that everyone at the office is really nice and lovely to me? Well, they are. They really are.

On play pretend and nerves

 It's update time!

On spontaneous bosses and immense pressure

I get the feeling that my would-be architecture boss is impulsive as hell. This may just be me having ideas about artists' creative angst or whatever, but he seems to promise a lot before thinking things through. Yesterday, after having set up what time I should arrive on Monday (10.15, omg omg omg), he suddenly emailed me saying (and I paraphrase): "Uh, yeah, what's your visa situation again? I need to make sure you actually can work for me," saying that he'd have his partner/wife look into it.

This is their exchange, as visualized in my head:
Boss: Honey, I think we should hire this Swedish girl I just met.
Boss' wife: Uh...
Boss: She has zero experience.
Boss' wife: Uh...
Boss: But she's from this pretty prestigious university, and her portfolio looks kinda interesting.
Boss' wife: Uh...
Boss: Let's take her on for a month, see what happens.
Boss' wife: Uh... Jesus Christ, honey, you've at least checked that she has the visa for it, right?
Boss: Uh...
Boss' wife: I can't believe you! It's like you're trying to sabotage us, and just when things are getting really busy too! God, I'll have to find some way to fix this situation you keep putting us in.
Boss: Fine! I was just trying to help, but whatever.
[Boss storms out angrily to drink in Golden Gai with random woman, only to find new foreign architect and promise them a job at his firm.]

And SCENE.

On work ethic and narcissism

Gaba students are some bullshit. A week after June is finished someone gives me a 3 and fucks up my score. So far for July, there's a rain of 4s happening. If I ever needed a reason to get out of this place, being instantly put in a shitty, vengeful mood when I wake up is as good as any, right?

Seriously though, this job makes me despise people. I'm really trying to not burn any bridges with this architecture job being very far from a sure thing so far, but Christ, I want out. I've smelled freedom and now I can't stay. I kinda wonder if it's that I really want to do this architecture job or if I just really don't want to do Gaba anymore. In any case, as absolutely terrified as I am, I have no second thoughts about taking the plunge.

On soap style dramas

The architect from the bar contacted me last night about starting at their office mid-July, stating how very busy the were. From the start he's been very clear about me not being allowed to say that we met in a bar. This felt pretty obvious to me, since it didn't exactly make me sound awesome either, so I just figured it went without saying. In the email from last night, he stated it yet again, saying "I have a partner (my wife) as design director in my office so please do not tell her we met at the bar :)", giving me some crap story about how I was supposedly recommended to him by some friend of mine instead."Sorry for this but I just need to keep the office nice way." Seeing as he was with some random woman the night we met, my brain kinda went: "Oh. Ohhhh." and things now feel a little weird.

On being a person and being a pawn

There are some things I really love about dating Turtle, but my favourite thing is probably the fact that he treats me like a real person. He doesn't project what he thinks I am or this idea of what he wants me to be. If I'm angry at him, he doesn't get angry at me for being angry. If I'm sad, he won't tell me to lighten up or that I'm being silly to feel the way I do. I've never felt him get jealous about anything, or demand that I change in any way. When he teaches me to play his favourite games, he doesn't just go "A is regular attack, B is special attack - let's go", he devotes half an hour to teach me all of the secret, special moves and when to use them. He legitimately cares about my friends, anything I'm facing at the moment, and ultimately - me.

Not to mention the fact that he has the best shampoo-conditioner combo ever in his shower. That shit does magic for my hair.

On changes and chances

So...
I got a response today.

On emails or lack thereof

Me, every 30 seconds or so.

On gold stars and impatience

Some students really know how to get on my good side. When describing people today, one of my students said: "You have brown hair... and brown eyes... and a nice smile."

I like people who know that flattery is the way to my heart. Gold star for you, young sir.

On hunts and deciding Pony Day

Hey peeps! February doesn't seem to be much for a month of posting. There are some stuff going on, but mostly I think everything feels kinda routine. This morning I found out that someone that was in my initial certification group at work was offered a teaching position at Waseda, while I'm slaving away at Gaba, and that makes me feel a little dejected. Granted, things are better than they were, but I wouldn't mind a teaching position at one of the top universities in the city, if I'm going to have to teach at all I mean. What kind of bothers me though (and will make me sound a bit like a bitch), is how fucking awkward that guy was, and how little experience he had. Shit, is that all that's required? Maybe I should get back on the job hunt path.

Pretty accurate illustration of what will probably come of my job hunting.

I wish I'd brought my degree with me. It's going to suck to have to ask my sister to go up and dig through the millions of boxes to find it.

On good starts and bad starts

Pictured: a surprisingly accurate representation.

I got myself a Wacom drawing tablet on Friday evening for Pony-related SCIENCE (I know that makes no sense to you guys, but I know it will make Pony wrack her brain as to what I'm planning for her birthday, so just bear with me)!  I've wanted one for years, literally, but have always been too cheap or nervous about my own ability to get one. The tablet I ended up buying was actually less expensive than I though it'd be, and I'm kinda in love with it. So far I'm still pretty shit at using it, but I'm giving myself time to learn it (and Photoshop), and I think I'm kinda getting there. In the meanwhile, I'm having a butt-load of fun with it.

On brain farts and melancholy

This first week of work has been really exhausting. You come back, you have to get into the swing of things - and fast, or you're fucked. I accidentally left the grocery store with the plastic shopping basket still in hand, which just goes to show what completely ridiculous brain farts will occur when I'm this out of it.

Oh the feelings.

Emotionally, I feel like today I reached my limit for the week. I'd love to go straight into hermit mode at this point, but unfortunately I've got my part time gig at Mr. Stone River's office tomorrow evening, so I'm still going to have to try to be presentable. By the time the day was over today, though, I was pretty far from presentable, and I can only tell you guys how beautiful it was to change into a new flannel pajama and cozy up with melancholy movies and feelings. Eventful Thursdays call for melancholy and pajamas. It's just one of those life rules.

On compliments, charms and crankiness

At work today, the first ever fairly accurate case of 'Hey, you look like that white actress/musician/famous person' ever happened, with one of my cute (but identical) university girl students went: "I watched that movie, you know, About Time? You look like the girl from there."

Aww, cute but identical university student, you sure know how to charm my socks off.

I'll take a Rachel McAdams compliment any day over a Taylor Swift one. Plus, that hair is super cute. Maybe I should cut my bangs shorter?

On yearly highlights and a total lack of fireworks

And what a year it's been.

On courage, knits and kitchy Christmas trees

I put up my Christmas tree today. It's hard to make a small pink tree fit in in an apartment that I'm striving to turn into a minimalist paradise, because I guess cyan pink plastic doesn't usually signify minimalism in any way, shape or form, but I like to think it kinda works. I just can't really figure out in which order I should sort my rice cooker, fruit tray and plant now that they have to compete with my plastic monstrosity (that I secretly love). Despite having absolutely zero Christmas cheer going on (since the weather here is identical to mid-October weather in Sweden and it in no way feels like Christmas yet), I kinda like having a little piece of winter wonderland hanging around.

On different kinds of hunger

People have an interesting views on relationships here in Japan. They're super casual about them in a lot of different ways, and completely confusing about them in others. It's pretty cool when they're super chill about one night stands and casual hookups, but maybe less cool when people who come to my lessons talk about going on dates and being in love with other women, despite being married. Like, it's cool if everyone's in on it, but something tells me that their wives are stuck at home, taking care of the kids, while the men hang out with women after work and have like a whole other world out there. Even the magazines that litter the break room are filled with classifieds where people are looking to cheat on their spouses. Stop it Japan, that shit ain't cute.