On brain farts and melancholy

This first week of work has been really exhausting. You come back, you have to get into the swing of things - and fast, or you're fucked. I accidentally left the grocery store with the plastic shopping basket still in hand, which just goes to show what completely ridiculous brain farts will occur when I'm this out of it.

Oh the feelings.

Emotionally, I feel like today I reached my limit for the week. I'd love to go straight into hermit mode at this point, but unfortunately I've got my part time gig at Mr. Stone River's office tomorrow evening, so I'm still going to have to try to be presentable. By the time the day was over today, though, I was pretty far from presentable, and I can only tell you guys how beautiful it was to change into a new flannel pajama and cozy up with melancholy movies and feelings. Eventful Thursdays call for melancholy and pajamas. It's just one of those life rules.

On yearly highlights and a total lack of fireworks

And what a year it's been.

On potatoes and aqua men

"You're so oshare!" one of my favourite from the Japanese staff said today. I was a little taken aback, since 'oshare' means 'fashionable' and 'cool-looking', and I was just wearing my usual work getup (plus glasses, funky socks and a big-ass scarf). I guess drop crotch pants make me look cool even when I'm a square. I guess that's a plus. Even in my lessen observations, the people doing them write that I 'always look professional'. I'm just happy to be able to get away with this kind of stuff - as some of you may remember, that was one of my biggest issues with this job: having to wear business attire (because I'm a terribly vain person). Just give my Fashion Pajamas and I'm good to go.

On channeling Korean housewives

I had a total housewife day today, deep cleaning the apartment and cooking up some chicken bibimbap. Mid-cooking I started thinking about what it was like when Moonlight cooked it for me and Pony, and how much I really miss him. I even use the same brand of Korean chili paste as we did then, just out of nostalgia. Moonlight and I used to hang out all the time, and he became very close to our friend group very fast, and the fact that I wanted to go to Seoul last weekend but couldn't just made it a little harder to bear. It's been so long now. Then out of nowhere, he started talking to me on facebook again. I don't know if my brain sent out an 'Hey friend, I need you'-SOS, or something, but it was nice to know that I'm not the only person feeling the loss.

On Hogwarts houses and the thought of losing people

I had a really weird dream about Moonlight the other night. I dreamt that he for some reason started dating an American man, who wouldn't let him be my friend anymore. I tried reasoning with him and asking him why, since he used to say that I was his best friend, but he just kept telling me that we weren't friends anymore. I tried talking to him about it, but his new bartending job seems to keep him really busy, and he doesn't call me like he used to. I miss him. After we stopped seeing each other we eventually developed a nice friendship, and we'd been talking about visiting each other, me going to Seoul and him coming to Tokyo, and that we'd go traveling around Asia in February together. Now, I feel forgotten, and I want to have him back in my friend sphere again. Ex-lover or not, he's really special to me, and I want him in my life. I just hope this dream wasn't some weird psychic vibe telling me that the fun's over. That'd suck some balls.

On energizing spring

Spring's here, silent readers! Finally, after months of darkness that I didn't really think would end. And I've been all productive today, which has felt pretty neat. I started off by going by Karate wife to casually mention that they still haven't payed me for last month, to which she looked rather embarrassed and apologetic, promising to get it done ASAP, before hooking me up with some free sushi lunch. The money's still not there and I'm still a little bit annoyed about that, but hell, it'll be there soon and I'm not in any crippling debt or so. That's a good thing I guess. I just don't like margins, and I wish they'd deposit my money sooner rather than later.

I miss Shan's sushi. This wasn't bad either, but goddamn it, Shan's is a whole different ball park. Anyways, I'm not one to complain when given free lunch.

On problems I didn't even know I had

How I feel the world views me sometimes.

Moonlight called Pony last night, stating how worried and sad he was that I didn't want to talk. He told her that he's really worried about me, and was apparently worried about my weight, He said I looked thin, which surprised me because I was wearing my regular work jeans that my parents got me for my birthday, and I didn't think it would change that much in two months.
"I don't look that much thinner though, right?" I asked Pony, thinking she would agree and expose his worries as the guilty conscience bullshit I suspected them to be. "Have I really lost weight in the weeks I haven't seen Moonlight?"
"Yeah, you have," she said. "I just haven't said anything because you say you've got it under control and I don't want to nag. You've thinned out even more, especially your thighs. I'm smaller than you are, but your legs are now thinner than mine."

On paper mountains and bad run-ins

Sorry about the almost aggressive lack of posting, silent readers. It's been a bumpy couple of days. I celebrated my last day of work yesterday, which felt good and bad at the same time. Like, I really like my coworkers, but I hate dealing with most customers. Saying bye to people I like feels kinda sad. Of course I'll probably be by a few more times, especially seeing as I still need to turn in my hours, but I won't be working there anymore, and that feels strange. Good, but strange. Given how I've been feeling since New Years, I think I need time away from that place.

On strange affections

I wonder if I'm right to feel like a dirty pervert for having a slight obsession/crush on Karate son. In my eyes, that boy can do no wrong. He's only 15, but his calm and quiet demeanor intrigues me, and he has a smile that, as John Green so beautifully put it, could end wars and cure cancer. It's some kind of magic. Karate wife was playing with SameName's baby, joking with me, and Karate son came by and smiled that beautiful smile of his, and I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit enamored with this kid. Not like I'm going to pull him into a broom closet and rob him of his innocence or anything, but I just kinda wish I knew him. He seems like a really good kid, and he's by far my favorite out of the many Karate children. There's just something about him that resonates with me. I caught myself thinking I'd kinda miss him once I stop working at the restaurant. Oh well. It's nice to know that people with dick dads don't always end up dicks. That in and of itself should be worth something.

On job interview tasks and reference letter worries

What I didn't tell you guys yesterday when I was too busy writing out the whole awkward and sad affair with Moonlight was that I had an interview for a job in Japan. Yeah, I know, it was cruel of me to keep it from you faithful silent readers, but it just didn't feel like the time or place to bring it up. I was a bit too emotionally drained to be nervous, which I think worked in my favour, and the interview seemed to go pretty well. Since my university education wasn't all English, my interviewer told me that she couldn't garuantee me a visa, but that my living abroad had left enough to go on for her to be able to push for one anyways. Anything that's not a definitive 'no' is good in my book. At least this kinda shows that they want me.

Although of course it won't stop me from freaking the fuck out, because hey, I'm still my same neurotic self.

On how shit really sucks when even homeless people don't want to be you

As you guys probably guessed, the imminent rejection came. I was frustrated enough with the situation to actually feel the need to talk to Moonlight about it, asking him what was going on between us. He proceeded to call me his 'best special friend forever' (whatever the fuck that means), which is about as friendzoned as anyone could ever be. We met over horribly awkward tea where he cracked jokes as (I'm guessing) a way to try to handle how extremely horribly awkward everything was, while I ended up excusing myself and sobbing in the bathroom while it felt like my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. New low point, everybody.

On realizations

On mail order men and darling colleagues

Valentine's Day is a day that's always filled me with a sense of bitterness. Not that I believe in or want the Hollywood rom-com bullshit that surrounds the day, or even movie couples in general, but the idea of seeing happy couples all day kinda drives in the fact that my romantic life is an atomic wasteland at the moment. Or maybe not a wasteland, but mid-blitz maybe? Bombed out houses and blackouts, people hiding in subways and fires spreading uncontrollably. It's times like these when I like daydreaming about my future long-term boyfriend, or rather how this very hypothetical man would be in a perfect universe. The Best Case Scenario Man™. A feminist, preferably rather liberal, Godfrey Gao-lookalike who finds my quirky shit adorable rather than immature and weird, and gives me space but the right amount of affection when I need it and is good with potted plants. He'd dress impeccably, be tall and dashing, and have some sort of artistic streak and/or a huge book collection. Glasses are optional. Where do I place my order?

Because goddamn. Goddamn!

On migraines and potential big breaks

I rounded off Sunday evening with a big migraine. "At least now maybe I'll get some sleep," I thought, almost relishing the thought of just passing out and sleeping for longer than I have all week. "Fuck that," my body seemed to say, and woke up at 3 a.m. after just five hours, feeling completely unable to go back to sleep. Eventually I did, and slept another six or so hours, but I still feel dead. My back and shoulders just ache. It's a good change from not being able to sleep at all, I guess, and Mafune is covering my shift today, for which I'm eternally grateful. It's probably going to be another early night to try to catch up on the seven previous days of insomnia.

On pleasant dinner dates and unpleasant frustration

I find my relationship with Moonlight to be completely confusing. I don't ever really know where we're at. One minute it's like we're a couple, and the next, he fucking high fives me as a hello and we're nowhere even near any kind of physical contact. "But hey, he came rushing over and damn near broke your door down because he saw you crying," Pony said, but I just get the feeling he's like that with any friend. After having dated Hemingway who would hardly do anything that didn't involve climbing all over me when we were together, I end up feeling insecure and kinda rejected around someone as unwilling to admit to any kind of public display of affection as Moonlight.

"So talk to him," Pony said. "Tell him how you feel, even if it's the scariest thing in the world. It's funny how brave you are in some instances and what complete chicken shit you are in others. Move to the other side of the world? No problem. Tell someone you hang out with as boyfriend and girlfriend that you're harboring some serious feelings for them? God no." Hell, moving is nothing in comparison to the potentially emotionally crippling consequences of telling someone you're in love with them unless you're both absolutely hammered. His whole attitude is beginning to seriously piss me off though. It makes me defensive too. I don't want to get hurt, so I feel myself pulling back. It's probably not the best of tactics, but this back and forth yoyo-ing is really messing me up.

On weird laughs and strange men from Czechoslovakia

Today was, luckily, a better day than the past few days have been. If it hadn't, I probably would have called in sick and just given up on the world for the day. I was still feeling a bit shaken from yesterday and hadn't slept very well, but I felt like it was my duty to suck it up and put a smile on my face for the day. It felt a little insincere at first, but later ended up coming pretty naturally, even though I kept feeling like my laugh was a little bit too high, or a bit too loud, or dragged on for a bit longer than felt natural. Something was off, I guess. Then again, I guess it's true what they say when they say 'fake it till you make it'. I did end up feeling better than I've done this week, so that's always a plus.

On even shittier days

I need to quit my job. This became painfully clear to me after a fight with Pony, during which time we both figured out that we were angry at the other for never being able to see each other, and it ended in me bawling on the stairs across from the store for like half an hour. My energy levels are totally depleted. There's just nothing left. I felt like shit around Christmas, and then so much better after my time off, but now I'm right back to where I was before and I feel so unhappy. I obviously don't want to be unemployed, but I just can't deal with this anymore. I need to get some sanity back into my life.

On never-ending weekends and awesome parties

This weekend felt extremely long for some reason. Not in a bad way, just kinda eternal. Never-ending.

On administrative disasters and death

Man, job hunting ain't easy. I received a crazy four page application thingie for one of the jobs I applied for. I was almost a little surprised that they didn't ask for my star sign or blood type or favorite breakfast cereal. Talk about being thorough. They required two letters of reference though, at least one from an employer, and that makes me a little bit nervous. I can probably get a letter of recommendation from one of my teachers, but asking Karate Husband to write me something is just about the scariest thing ever. Maybe I should ask his wife? She's the one in charge of the staff after all, and she likes me. Not that she ever called me 'little fishie', but she's always really kind to me, so I guess I've got that going for me anyway. Strangely the rest of the staff don't seem to like her all that much. It would seem that the staff and I have pretty different ideas of our bosses in general. Probably because they've all worked there for far longer than I have. Ah well. As long as I get my reference it's all good.

Sorry Karate Husband, the little fishie needs a bigger bowl.

On unpredictable situations and predictable me

I think I might really like teaching. Not gonna lie, that may be because I'm rather partial to the student, but I don't think that's the only reason. I spent Sunday afternoon at a small café with Moonlight, going through a chapter in his Swedish coursework, and I genuinely found it really fun. Maybe that's because Moonlight is highly intelligent, and not just adorable. That's always a good thing. Anyways, even if I was teaching Swedish, I was teaching Swedish in English and enjoying myself while doing so, and I see that as a good sign for the future. It's almost like you can see the cogs turn in a person's head, and then suddenly everything just falls into place with just some gentle prodding on your part. It feels pretty damn glorious. If I could, I'd love to do one-on-one study sessions when I'm working in Japan too as it's so much easier to tailor things to the person's needs. Also, it's just... I don't know, nice. It's a way of hanging out that I really approve of.

I feel tremendously terrible for having missed that Sakanaction released not only one, but two new songs while I was wallowing in self-pity these past six weeks. What kind of a fan am I? Their song Eureka has turned out to be my love of the year so far, could well be my new theme song. It's like hearing spring, which is nice when you're in a snowy landscape with biting winds. The short clips from Tokyo portray it beautifully, and I feel really nostalgic watching it. I kinda can't stop. Listening to it fills me with that good old wanderlust again. Watching the video closes the distance between the city and my heart. I live recklessly, recklessly.