Last night I was freaking out about my trip to Sweden, and decided to level with mom and ask her what her thoughts were on the matter. Now, I don't always get along with my mom, but sometimes talking to her will make some idea or other spring up. I tried explaining the whole visa issue to her, and while I'm not completely sure she understood what I meant, she suggested that I postpone my trip if it was causing me so much anxiety. "I think you need to come home and see people you love," she said. "Not just your family, but people that mean things to you. But if it's going to be a huge source of stress, it's better to opt out for now and plan it for Christmas or something." I guess that makes sense.
Trying to talk to her about the architecture job vs the Gaba job was a little more challenging though, seeing as she kept repeating "Well, your visa is fine this year," implying that I should go home afterwards. "Maybe you can come back and do an internship here, and then go back to Japan after." Yeah, sorry mom, but that's not going to happen. I value her advice, but it's hard when most of it is tainted by her wanting me to come home. I understand her emotions on it, but it's really tiring to have to defend my decision to be here every time we talk.
I felt the need to highlight that things aren't all terrible, so I mentioned Turtle. Mom was supportive and asked me about him, but when I told her how he was really helping me through this rough time, she said "Well, isn't that kinda your pattern? You've dated people when you really need some emotional support and things have been rough, but you need to be able to do this stuff on your own and stop relying on a partner." I agree with her that yes, that has been the case in the past, but I really think this is different this time. I know she wants me to be happy, but I could also see the look on her face saying 'shit shit shit' when I told her that I now kinda understand what she and dad have been talking about all these years about just knowing when it's right. We ended the call on good terms, and she commented on my facebook photo with Turtle saying "You two are cute together" and I guess that was her showing support despite what I know for her is a less than ideal situation.
It's hard when your parents really want you to come home, when you already feel like you are home. After they'd been here, I thought mom would have a bit more understanding as to how I'm feeling, but I just don't see much having changed in that aspect. I know she tries though. It's just rough.
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