As you guys probably guessed, the imminent rejection came. I was frustrated enough with the situation to actually feel the need to talk to Moonlight about it, asking him what was going on between us. He proceeded to call me his 'best special friend forever' (whatever the fuck that means), which is about as friendzoned as anyone could ever be. We met over horribly awkward tea where he cracked jokes as (I'm guessing) a way to try to handle how extremely horribly awkward everything was, while I ended up excusing myself and sobbing in the bathroom while it felt like my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. New low point, everybody.
He didn't seem to understand at all why things wouldn't be able to be like always. "Our relationship hasn't changed, everything's the same!" except there's no way things will ever feel the same. It's been ruined. I tried leaving the cafe, because avoiding eye contact to avoid breaking down in hysterics by staring out the window only works to a certain point, to which grabbed me to make me stay, all while continuing to order me not to cry, and trying to make light of the situation. I wanted to hurl.
When he finally allowed me to leave, we went on the worst walk in the history of mankind, where I really wanted to be left alone but he kept following me, trying to once again cheer me up in really unsuccessful ways. "Hey, let's climb to the top of that hill and you can push me down! How's that?" "Do you want to punch me? Here, you can punch me." "I feel horrible, like I need to go to church and repent. You're making me feel like a bad person, stop." I couldn't really say anything and just replied with silence or the occasional one-syllable word, while chain smoking furiously and wishing I'd just die or be swallowed up by the earth or him getting abducted by aliens or just anything that would get me out of the situation at hand.
Once we'd reached Odenplan, he finally left, but not before first trying to order me to go home, and then making me promise him by means of needlessly complicated secret handshake to let him know when I'd come home. I don't get people who still want to go through the motions of the awkward bye hug after all of that shit. If you try to touch me and I pull away to the point where I almost smack you while growling "Let go", chances are I'm not wanting a hug. Get the memo.
I was rescued by the Puppy, who came with tissues and hugs and brought me to Knives Chau. On the way there, a small homeless woman begging for change on the subway started her 'Please spare some change'-speech, made eye contact with me as I looked up, red-faced and puffy-eyed, paused for a second and then turned around to address pretty much everyone else on the train. It was kinda touching that this woman would take pity on me by not asking me for anything when everything clearly was a mess on my part. It also felt like my life is a complete dump when I'm pitied by homeless people. Seriously, that's bad no matter how you look at it.
Knives Chau made dinner and filled me with copious amounts of tea and food while letting me bawl at her desk, on her couch, in a corner on the kitchen floor and pretty much anywhere else I could get to, while holding me and patting my hair. I regained enough composure for us to watch The Big Lebowski, and it did cheer me up. I was still confused about what happened 2½ weeks ago, when everything changed. Something happened then, no matter what Moonlight says. "What, so it just stopped for no reason?" "Yes." Suddenly. It doesn't make sense to me at all, and Knives thought it was strange as well. In my world, people don't go from sex one day to zero physical contact the next. It'd be so much easier to deal with all of this if I knew what had happened, and I don't buy his explanation.
I fell asleep next to Knives, holding her stuffed panda toy, which felt strangely reassuring. Waking up to some sunlight filtering in through the blinds made me feel at least a bit less like the world was ending. A shower and some orange juice made things seem brighter as well. Knives has offered me to come stay with her for a few days, and while I'm at home right now I'm wondering if maybe it would be a good idea to have someone at least make sure I'm doing anything but stare into the wall and think that everything sucks.
Trying to get Moonlight to understand that I don't want to see or talk to him is like trying to ignore a yappy puppy. He keeps trying to take contact even though I told him I wanted space, and didn't really seem to grasp that it couldn't be the same, because I can't see him without feeling like my insides are dying. "But we can still talk or meet right?" Only if you want me to jump in front of a bus. I can't trust someone I don't feel is being honest with me. I can't be near someone who's so insensitive that they don't understand how just looking at someone is painful. "You see my face? I'm always smiling on the outside. Inside might be sad or angry, but I'm always smiling." What value does that put on a smile then? Smiles like that are just lies, not just to others but to yourself as well. Cop-outs. I reserve my right to the full range of my emotions. I will not smile just because not smiling is making you uncomfortable.
I'm not so much angry as disappointed and sad. If this is the way it is, there's nothing I can do about it at all, but that doesn't stop me from having feelings about it. "Don't you want to talk to me anymore? What should I do? What should I say?" Moonlight keeps nervously asking instead of doing what I've told him to do, which is to leave me alone. "You'll tell me when you want to see me again right? Right?" And it's heart-wrenching to have to keep asking trying to make him understand, because I wish I didn't have to ignore him or try to get him to understand that he has to leave me alone, because I wish it could be like he says it is - that nothing's changed and that we can be best friends and that everything can just go back to some sort of easy mode, but it's impossible.
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