On suit conundrums and passport freakouts

I find it rather irrational that one of my biggest concerns and stress inducers right now is that I don't have a work-appropriate wardrobe. Business casual is kinda not my thing. It just feels kinda stale and un-cool. I can't really imagine myself in a suit or jacket, it's just so stiff and uncomfortable-looking. That being said, I think I'm going to do what I always do when it comes to rules - I'm going to bend them, slowly yet intently. If you start by pushing the boundaries little by little, it's amazing what you can get away with in the long run. Start with something as small as funky-coloured socks, end up with a far more relaxed attitude towards what counts as professional in the clothing department. Either that or I just Tilda Swinton this mofo and suit up to high fashion levels.

On bohemian apartments and schools being just as terrible as I remember them

Sometime after breakfast today I had this intense desire to just be somewhere else, and decided that today was a Knives Chau day. Basically we just sat doing some work together, me revising and her doing stuff for her exchange year in Switzerland, drinking smoothies and coffee and listening to chill music. I don't think I've ever had a day go by so fast, or at least not for a long time. Even though I probably should have been out doing more, I feel like I'm getting past those feelings of stress that come from having a crazy work ethic hammered into you since childhood. Will I get it all done today? No. Will I get it done in time? Yes. There's no need to freak out about it. Just be cool.

On emails and life goals

How can it take so long for schools to read an email and answer it? I asked them four days ago, requesting a total of maybe two sentences from them stating that yes, I have in fact been a student at their schools, and yes, the language of tuition was English, and still nothing. It should take a grand total of maybe five minutes, checking my records included. If I can figure out all my other visa shit in the time before that, they should be able to answer a fucking email. I might even have my scheduled meeting with architecture school before getting anything even similar to a response from the others. It's stressful, and it sucks. Answer your emails, you fucks.

On getting what I need

Today was the kind of day that let me know that I've made the right decision to quit my job. I spent it doing the things I quit my job to do - going to a lecture at school about how to start your own architecture practice, making preparations for my visa, and spending time with Knives Chau and the Puppy. I was sure, beforehand, that I'd be antsy around 3 p.m., feeling like I should head off to work, but all that really happened was that I glanced at my phone to check the time around 4 p.m. while we were at a really cozy café, before going back to the discussion of cute dog breeds that we would like to own at some point in our lives. It felt great. "You look so much happier!" Knives told me, and I really felt like I was on top of the world. I kept thinking 'I've won' on the way home. I don't really know what I've won though. Peace of mind, maybe. Whatever it is, today was everything I've wished for these past few months. I really like feeling happy.

On how shit really sucks when even homeless people don't want to be you

As you guys probably guessed, the imminent rejection came. I was frustrated enough with the situation to actually feel the need to talk to Moonlight about it, asking him what was going on between us. He proceeded to call me his 'best special friend forever' (whatever the fuck that means), which is about as friendzoned as anyone could ever be. We met over horribly awkward tea where he cracked jokes as (I'm guessing) a way to try to handle how extremely horribly awkward everything was, while I ended up excusing myself and sobbing in the bathroom while it felt like my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. New low point, everybody.

On never-ending weekends and awesome parties

This weekend felt extremely long for some reason. Not in a bad way, just kinda eternal. Never-ending.

On friendship worries and ageism freakouts

I seem to be having a bit of a problem posting things with any regularity recently. Sorry about that, silent readers. I can't really blame anything - nothing out of the ordinary has been going on, just my usual hectic and kinda messy life, but I'm going to be off work soon and you can look forward to some quality ramblings about life and everything going on in my head. As always, there's a lot, yet not all that much of any general importance.

On money grabbing and time management

I got tipped by two Korean guys today, and that was even after I'd mistakenly given them warm sake instead of cold (although to be fair, I did make it on the house) and had to apologize to them for being out of the beer they wanted. The more silent of the two pulled out a twenty, put it on the little saucer we use to present bills, and went "This is for you". Is there a dignified way to take money like that? Because I always feel like it looks like I'm scrambling a little too quickly and grabbing wildly at the money when it shows up. It's probably nothing anyone has ever noticed, but striking that balance that makes you look poised yet grateful, instead of poor and/or greedy is one of those things I probably spend way too much time thinking about.

On terrible days being terrible

Is it normal to hate Fridays with a passion? Because I do. At least this one. This one sucked. I was sure it would before it even started.

On trains and split personalities

Man, work really doesn't leave much time to myself. I have my pretty large needs for privacy and personal space, and with six hours of non-stop social activity per day, I'm pretty exhausted by the time I get back. Not even school was this hectic, socially, as I'd be able to sit in front of my computer with headphones on, effectively ignoring probably 95% of the people around me. Now, not so much. Even with 'alone days' where I don't see anyone, I'm only really typically alone for a few hours before work, and then I sleep alone, and it's just not enough. Weekends fill up fast because of people not being able to hang out during weekdays as well. I should get a calendar and then stick to it religiously, because winging it means that I make too many plans and then cancel at the very last minute due to feelings of freaking out a little. It's not optimal. It led me to having to ditch hanging out with Knives Chau today, which neither one of us was really all that happy with, but I kinda need it for my own sanity.

Sad Knives is kinda heart-breaking though.

On hangovers and nice people

Because kids, don't drink when you're in a bit of a weird emotional state. Sloppiness will happen. It won't be pretty. Fun, but not pretty.

On new roomies and forgotten food

Since Pony decided to move out, G and I have been discussing who should take her place in the People's Democratic Republic of Apartment. We speculated about O for a while, but it didn't look like he could leave his apartment until Christmas, and that was a bit too far off. G and I kinda left it as is, until I came home tonight to find his cool architect friend of his here, and them both totally giddy. "He's going to live here!" G exclaims happily, and while I would've maybe preferred a conversation about it where I was involved, I don't object to his choice of roomie. Technically I'm not even on the lease, but I would've liked to be involved in the decision making process. Ah well. I'm not displeased, I think he'll fit in just fine.

On awkward drunks and grumpiness

I've never really understood why people are so anti Mondays. I'm personally far more anti Thursdays. They're almost the end of the week, so you're tired, yet they're still followed by Friday, so you know that you can't rest anytime soon. Friday too, for that matter. I guess the reason that people don't dislike Fridays is because they can do stuff. I mean, not everyone parties on Fridays. Some people party on Mondays, as I've witnessed at work.

On crappy evenings and dead phones

I'm so pissed off right now, you guys have no idea. Hemingway and his friend wanted to go out, and since I'd forgotten my ID, I went home to pick it up and then get back to them. Anyways, my phone dies on the way, but before then I'd sent a text telling them I was coming, so I thought I'd go hang out by the front door, that eventually they'd notice that it wouldn't take that long, or find it strange that I wasn't answering calls or texts, and maybe come check the door to see if my phone had died or something.

Yeah, that would've been great, but that didn't fucking happen. I sat outside the front door like some sort of fabulously dressed hobo, waiting for probably an hour or so, until it got way too cold and I said 'fuck it' and went home, fuming.

On rainy day bread-baking

I went out to meet Knives Chau today, and walking to the subway all I could think was "Fuck, it's hot out." I felt kinda gross by the time I reached the subway, and was cursing summer and all that it entails. "You don't like my heat?" the weather said. "Well fuck you. See how you like this!" and proceeded to rain an icy cold rain the rest of the afternoon and evening.

Knives and I took refuge at Cafe String and spent the next four hours talking about everything and anything, watching the rain, eating chocolate cake and drinking chai. We decided to go buy some wine and go to her place, where Knives baked an absolutely delicious bread with dates and cranberries which we ate with peanut butter and apple chutney while discussing life, relationships and all those messy things, sharing stuff and generally confiding while listening to really chill music and planning how she's going to furnish her apartment. Before I knew it, it was the middle of the night and we'd managed to split the whole bottle between us, but we had a really great time. One of those really nice days, despite the shitty weather.

On awkward parties and overly attached cats

The get-together at Sand's place last night was fun, albeit weird. I felt like showing up with the good thing to do, as it made Sand really happy, and also Knives Chau was there. I haven't seen her since school ended, but she's been kinda in the same state as I have, so I don't think any of us have really had the energy or willpower to do that much at all. It was so nice seeing her though, I'd really missed her. O and his boyfriend showed up for a bit, but left pretty quick, probably because O's gastritis was acting up again. Then Knives and her boyfriend disappeared out on the balcony to have a serious talk for at least an hour, which made everyone feel really weird. We all know Knives' boyfriend, he went to school with us too, so why he'd have such a hard time just being a nice guy for a few hours and not bring personal problems out into the open I don't know. None of them seemed too happy after their talk, and I felt kinda sorry for Sand who had wanted to go out. Things just fell kinda flat.

On brain scans and clan mentality

The very cute and rather stiff doctor from the sleep deprivation study contacted me today to ask if I wanted a picture of my brain, by sending me an email (subject line was "Picture of brain?") going: "Hi, we really appreciate you taking part in our MRI experiment. Would you like a pdf with a cross section of your brain?". The nerd in me riots with happiness. Obviously I should've answered his email with a subject line of "Picture of brain!", but I was too eager to get my hands on, well, my head to think of it before hitting the send button. I mean, who wouldn't want a picture of their brain? It's so creepy-cool.

On presentations and feeling particularly asocial

My face after having graduated.

So my presentation came and went by without too much of a hassle. They had nicer things to say about it than I did, which I guess is a good thing, and the two teachers who critiqued it both separately came up to me afterwards to say something about it or give me a tip of some reference project to look at, so I'm taking it as a sign that there was at least something that awakens some sort of curiosity about my work. I know it's not the best I've ever done, nor the best I'll ever do, but given the piece of shit spring I've had so far I'm just happy to be through with all of it.

One of those teachers looked so much like Edmure Tully from Game of Thrones that I half-wanted to ask him what the hell he was doing here, and why he wasn't on his way with Rob Stark to the Freys at the Twins to marry that Frey girl he was promised to. What can I say, nerds have more fun.

"Could your building stand a long siege?"