On trains and split personalities

Man, work really doesn't leave much time to myself. I have my pretty large needs for privacy and personal space, and with six hours of non-stop social activity per day, I'm pretty exhausted by the time I get back. Not even school was this hectic, socially, as I'd be able to sit in front of my computer with headphones on, effectively ignoring probably 95% of the people around me. Now, not so much. Even with 'alone days' where I don't see anyone, I'm only really typically alone for a few hours before work, and then I sleep alone, and it's just not enough. Weekends fill up fast because of people not being able to hang out during weekdays as well. I should get a calendar and then stick to it religiously, because winging it means that I make too many plans and then cancel at the very last minute due to feelings of freaking out a little. It's not optimal. It led me to having to ditch hanging out with Knives Chau today, which neither one of us was really all that happy with, but I kinda need it for my own sanity.

Sad Knives is kinda heart-breaking though.

I'm pretty bad at listening to my own signals most of the time. I know I don't thrive too well on seeing too many people, as I'm not given much chance to recharge my batteries, but at the same time I want to see them because they're my friends. Hanging out is fun, it's just that there needs to be some sort of balance between doing that and hiding in my room by myself.

Being someone else for six hours a day is tiring. I like my job, and I'm good at it, but my service persona face that I put on is like turning into a completely different person. It feels a little dishonest, almost. Not that I owe the customers anything - seeing the real me is a privilege that most people don't get - but I put on my uniform and I become this smiling person with no problems talking to others, looking happy despite people being dicks, wishing people pleasant weekends and taking care of massive overly complicated orders. I wonder where my personality goes. It's like it hibernates somewhere deep inside me, occasionally coming up for air when talking to the people I know and like at work, or when I'm taking care of things where no-one can see me. I guess this is what being an adult is like - sucking it up and acting like you're not as completely fed up with the world as you feel, but in that case I want more time to be myself. Once the TEFL is done I'll be a lot more free to pursue other interests and hang out with friends, but until then, my life is divided into the very predictable pattern of: study, work, sleep. Rinse and repeat.

It's a bit like I'm hanging out at a metaphorical train station in my life right now. I got off the architecture train, and now I'm waiting for the Japan train to roll into the station so I can get on it. I've got to finish up the TEFL - it's my ticket out, but until I can get on the train, I'm stuck on the platform twiddling thumbs and playing games on my phone. It's not a bad place to be, but it's one of those in-between places. I'm beginning to get a little restless here, but there are things that need to be done before I can move on, and that's OK. As long as I know that I'm moving on, that the train is coming, I'll be OK.