On future worries and trying to make sense of stuff

The closer I get to realizing my dreams of going to Japan, the more I notice how little I really know about the process of trying to find work, and the more nervous I get. I really don't like situations where I don't know what I'm doing. Winging it just isn't my thing when it comes to big life-changing scenarios.

I freak out a bit about my passport being Swedish. I mean, I'm a native English speaker. It's my native tongue, but since I never got a Canadian passport, I don't know if I qualify. The minute anyone would hear me speak they'd know, but from reading an application I'm not so sure. I know of native Swedes who have gone to Japan to teach. They seemed to be doing OK, but when browsing job listings I can't help but feel a little anxious about it. Six years in Canada, three years in English junior high and two years of British high school should speak for itself, but if they don't allow for it to speak, they won't know. I should get something out of my Liverpool stay other than having a vague idea of what prison feels like. Anything else just isn't fair. I've been thinking if I should do the Cambridge CPE exam to just ace the shit out of it, but it just seems that it'd cement the fact that English isn't my first language, as it's not an exam for native English speakers. I'd be in the 99% percentile for sure, but it'd just be as someone who's really good at English, not native. Also, it's almost 2000 SEK and I literally just missed the deadline for this fall's exam days. I can do it in March if I go to the other end of Sweden, but if I'm going to start to look for jobs as soon as my TEFL is done, I'm kinda banking on having gotten at least somewhere in March, possibly even packing my stuff, so I don't know what difference it would make.

Apparently the TEFL is supposed to help out in hooking us up with jobs, probably with letters of recommendation, and since I seem to be doing pretty well with my course, I'm hoping for a good review. I've got a lot of things going for me, but it's hard to focus on them instead of the insecurities. To work in Japan, you  need a Bachelors degree. I've got one of those. Where I get nervous is where job ads say 'a four-year Bachelors degree or equivalent'. It's the equivalent, right? All of Europe's the same, so it's clearly the equivalent, right? And when they want certain levels from the JLPT to show your Japanese skills, when there aren't any centers or anything that do the JLPT testing - does it help if I just show that I studied it at university? Should I get a letter of recommendation from Karate Husband? How do I explain my proficiency, that mostly comes from friends and self-study, in such a way that makes me sound like I know what I'm doing? It's so frustrating. I'm smart. I'm well-educated. I'm not going to let some bum American or buck-toothed Brit take my dream because they were fortunate enough to be issued the correct passport.

Pictured: What I imagine all my competition looks and acts like.

I just want it so much. It's going to happen, because when I set my mind to something it generally does happen, but the road to getting there makes me feel unsure and self-doubting. I should write some sort of list that I can check whenever I get frazzled. Step one is to finish the damn TEFL course anyways. Step two is to kick ass and take names.