Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for what felt like hours before finally falling into a restless sleep of bad dreams. I woke up at six, couldn't sleep anymore and sat in the living room feeling absolutely terrible. When I tried going back in the room with Hemingway I started bawling, which later led to hyperventilating and a really big anxiety attack I couldn't calm myself from. My whole body was shaking, I was feeling faint and couldn't control my own breathing. I could hardly formulate any words and my mind was racing at a million miles per hour. Luckily G was there to help me calm myself down and breathe through it by diverting my attention to a painting of my that my four year old niece made. I've been so used to reaching out to Pony when I haven't felt good that asking G to sit with me and hold my hand felt a little foreign, but it felt really good. He knows what's up, and how to handle the situation, so I felt safe. That being said, fuck all is getting done today. I'm going to sit this one out. Just functioning at all is hard enough on a day like today.
I came to the realization yesterday that I've lost a whole bunch of weight that I didn't plan or need to lose. Pony estimated it to a few kilos at least after looking over me and finally deciding that my legs were slimmer. I chalk it up to work, especially since it's been so busy lately. Days where I don't have time to eat at work, I have a period of seven hours or so without getting anything into my system, and when I actually do eat after that, it's sushi, which is about as far from calorie rich you can get. Seriously, one salmon nigiri is like 48 calories. I need to make more of a conscious effort to get more food into my system, especially when I'm running around for six hours a day, five days a week. The problem's just that it's hard to eat when I don't feel like eating. Maybe I should just solve this problem with more cake.
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