On having project brain

On good starts and bad starts

Pictured: a surprisingly accurate representation.

I got myself a Wacom drawing tablet on Friday evening for Pony-related SCIENCE (I know that makes no sense to you guys, but I know it will make Pony wrack her brain as to what I'm planning for her birthday, so just bear with me)!  I've wanted one for years, literally, but have always been too cheap or nervous about my own ability to get one. The tablet I ended up buying was actually less expensive than I though it'd be, and I'm kinda in love with it. So far I'm still pretty shit at using it, but I'm giving myself time to learn it (and Photoshop), and I think I'm kinda getting there. In the meanwhile, I'm having a butt-load of fun with it.

On yearly highlights and a total lack of fireworks

And what a year it's been.

On tequila, life goals and homesickness

Now this may be really pretentious of me to say, but you haven't lived unless you've been in a really sketchy bar in Tokyo at 2 a.m., downing tequila shots while people chant your name.

In Tokyo, I'm living the life I will one day be telling my grandkids about, and I am madly in love with every second of it, so going to Stockholm was obviously something that was a bit dreaded. Incoming: I'm totally going to unload what's been going on the past week. Wall of text incoming!

On potatoes and aqua men

"You're so oshare!" one of my favourite from the Japanese staff said today. I was a little taken aback, since 'oshare' means 'fashionable' and 'cool-looking', and I was just wearing my usual work getup (plus glasses, funky socks and a big-ass scarf). I guess drop crotch pants make me look cool even when I'm a square. I guess that's a plus. Even in my lessen observations, the people doing them write that I 'always look professional'. I'm just happy to be able to get away with this kind of stuff - as some of you may remember, that was one of my biggest issues with this job: having to wear business attire (because I'm a terribly vain person). Just give my Fashion Pajamas and I'm good to go.

On colds, concentration issues and cuties

So hey, you guys remember when I wrote that this apartment is kinda cold?

I am currently wearing not one, but two knitted sweaters and a big-ass woolen scarf, because oh-my-god-this-fucking-country-needs-to-learn-to-isolate-their-fucking-buildings. It doesn't help that one of my walls is literally just windows. I guess this is kinda exacerbated by the fact that I'm exhausted and am probably getting a bit sick - that does always make me really cold (and gives me undereye circles of absolute fucking doom), but the truth cannot be denied - I look like an eastern European immigrant from the 1800's. I'm so happy I have the next four days off. There's a lot of tea drinking and heat conserving in store for me for the next few days.

On unicorns and casual nationalism

 I had the weirdest dream last night, that Pony and I were still living together in the house I lived in when I first moved to Sweden. She'd for some reason brought Junsu over with some other girl she knew, when I was swamped with work and unable to even talk to him, and then adamantly wouldn't understand why I was upset when I could hear them through the walls; talking, laughing and, for some strange reason, playing board games. I ran away and later confronted her with screaming and ugly-crying. The whole thing felt really bizarre.

Things became even more bizarre when I was having lunch with my parents, and suddenly the spitting image of Jaejoong walks in and sits down next to us. I tried not to stare, but, well... come on, it's Jaejoong. It's kinda like spotting a unicorn, if unicorns hung around cheap fast food places in Shibuya. If anything I had to stare for Pony's sake. I even veered from my usual rules of being discrete and snuck a picture of him on my phone. I know, I know, it was rude, but whatever. Some things just need to be done. There was no way I wasn't going to show her. We may be thousands of miles away, but this is pretty much the dance of our people. Stalking.

On problems I didn't even know I had

How I feel the world views me sometimes.

Moonlight called Pony last night, stating how worried and sad he was that I didn't want to talk. He told her that he's really worried about me, and was apparently worried about my weight, He said I looked thin, which surprised me because I was wearing my regular work jeans that my parents got me for my birthday, and I didn't think it would change that much in two months.
"I don't look that much thinner though, right?" I asked Pony, thinking she would agree and expose his worries as the guilty conscience bullshit I suspected them to be. "Have I really lost weight in the weeks I haven't seen Moonlight?"
"Yeah, you have," she said. "I just haven't said anything because you say you've got it under control and I don't want to nag. You've thinned out even more, especially your thighs. I'm smaller than you are, but your legs are now thinner than mine."

On paper mountains and bad run-ins

Sorry about the almost aggressive lack of posting, silent readers. It's been a bumpy couple of days. I celebrated my last day of work yesterday, which felt good and bad at the same time. Like, I really like my coworkers, but I hate dealing with most customers. Saying bye to people I like feels kinda sad. Of course I'll probably be by a few more times, especially seeing as I still need to turn in my hours, but I won't be working there anymore, and that feels strange. Good, but strange. Given how I've been feeling since New Years, I think I need time away from that place.

On mail order men and darling colleagues

Valentine's Day is a day that's always filled me with a sense of bitterness. Not that I believe in or want the Hollywood rom-com bullshit that surrounds the day, or even movie couples in general, but the idea of seeing happy couples all day kinda drives in the fact that my romantic life is an atomic wasteland at the moment. Or maybe not a wasteland, but mid-blitz maybe? Bombed out houses and blackouts, people hiding in subways and fires spreading uncontrollably. It's times like these when I like daydreaming about my future long-term boyfriend, or rather how this very hypothetical man would be in a perfect universe. The Best Case Scenario Man™. A feminist, preferably rather liberal, Godfrey Gao-lookalike who finds my quirky shit adorable rather than immature and weird, and gives me space but the right amount of affection when I need it and is good with potted plants. He'd dress impeccably, be tall and dashing, and have some sort of artistic streak and/or a huge book collection. Glasses are optional. Where do I place my order?

Because goddamn. Goddamn!

On pleasant dinner dates and unpleasant frustration

I find my relationship with Moonlight to be completely confusing. I don't ever really know where we're at. One minute it's like we're a couple, and the next, he fucking high fives me as a hello and we're nowhere even near any kind of physical contact. "But hey, he came rushing over and damn near broke your door down because he saw you crying," Pony said, but I just get the feeling he's like that with any friend. After having dated Hemingway who would hardly do anything that didn't involve climbing all over me when we were together, I end up feeling insecure and kinda rejected around someone as unwilling to admit to any kind of public display of affection as Moonlight.

"So talk to him," Pony said. "Tell him how you feel, even if it's the scariest thing in the world. It's funny how brave you are in some instances and what complete chicken shit you are in others. Move to the other side of the world? No problem. Tell someone you hang out with as boyfriend and girlfriend that you're harboring some serious feelings for them? God no." Hell, moving is nothing in comparison to the potentially emotionally crippling consequences of telling someone you're in love with them unless you're both absolutely hammered. His whole attitude is beginning to seriously piss me off though. It makes me defensive too. I don't want to get hurt, so I feel myself pulling back. It's probably not the best of tactics, but this back and forth yoyo-ing is really messing me up.

On job search worries and asshole friends

Just before going to bed last night I noticed that I'd been sending a resume where I applied for the job as 'Preschool teacher' to jobs that didn't involve preschool teaching at all. Oops. Note to self - read through your cover letter more carefully and stop applying for jobs at 2 a.m. Luckily at least some of the stuff was teaching young kids, so there's always that, and I wasn't honestly thinking I was going to score with any of the others, so I'm going to go ahead and accept that yeah, I fucked up but it wasn't that big a deal. Fuck up or not, I'll have it figured out in the end.

On even shittier days

I need to quit my job. This became painfully clear to me after a fight with Pony, during which time we both figured out that we were angry at the other for never being able to see each other, and it ended in me bawling on the stairs across from the store for like half an hour. My energy levels are totally depleted. There's just nothing left. I felt like shit around Christmas, and then so much better after my time off, but now I'm right back to where I was before and I feel so unhappy. I obviously don't want to be unemployed, but I just can't deal with this anymore. I need to get some sanity back into my life.

On work crankiness and heavenly food

All I can really say about this week is: get ready for the cranky updates about how much I have to work. I feel like I got totally cheated this week, and that's not exactly something that puts me in a happy place, mentally.

On Monday madness

Despite it being Monday and probably not as busy as I imagined it was, I felt totally overwhelmed at work. I suddenly remembered that I needed desperately to score Wednesday off so that I can go to the Margaret Cho gig with O and some other friends, and I was freaking out because of who to ask to fill my shift. For no apparent reason I'd made up my mind that the Swedish sisters that work most weekends probably hate me and wouldn't take my shift even if I asked them. I felt terrible for not having spoken to T in a few days, since he's probably equally nervous about coming here on Friday, and I was coming down hard on myself for not being able to meet T at the airport like I promised, since he lands at 7.30 p.m. and chances are I'll probably have to stay until 8 p.m. at work to help Mafune out (whom I was also sure hated me since she let me off an hour early on Friday and took a whole bunch of my shifts for when T's here. Yeah, reading that back it doesn't make any sense to me either). T coming over at all kinda freaks me out, as we haven't seen each other in a year and a half. Lots of people came in to eat at the same time, and I constantly felt a little behind in everything I did. Mafune was there with Karate Son, giving tips and feedback on a video project he'd made, making my brain snap and finally go over the deep end. "Oh my god, I'll never be as cool as Mafune, she's like his big sister and here I am as some loner weeaboo that they sometimes talk to out of pity and oh-my-god-I-feel-like-I'm-going-to-throw-up-why-the-hell-am-I-going-to-Japan-I'll-be-so-alone-help!"

Accurate representation of my brain at the time.

On issues of the heart

"I'm constantly in awe of your utter lack of any self preservation instinct," Pony laughed at me as I was half-heartedly tried to defend my recent string of probably less than stellar decisions I've made about various things om the past few weeks. She's right though, I am bad at making decisions that will be good for me, especially when looking at the long-term effects. I always argue that as long as I'm happy and having fun, it can't be that bad, but I don't know. Maybe I'd be happier if I were less reckless with my heart, not to mention the heart of others.

On relaxation and dancing like a crazy person

It's Friday, and time for Kpop Nonstop! Pony and I have a whole evening of kpop goodness planned. It suits me fine after an excellent day at Yasuragi spa yesterday, which was eight hours of onsen style baths, tea and fruit, yoga, some more onsen baths and swimming a few hundred meters in their swimming pool. Reading a book in warm water outside with the cold November wind in your hair while enjoying a day of almost complete silence was amazing. I even got to eat okonomiyaki for lunch, which I haven't done since I was in Kyoto, and it tasted almost the same and I felt really nostalgic. When I came back to town, I was relaxed in both body and mind, and it's kept on going like that for most of the day as well. I feel a little tired and my shoulders ache a bit from the yoga, but all in all I feel so much better for having gone. I'm filled with what the Puppy called a 'yogi calm. "You look so good! I like seeing this version of you. You're so giggly. It's adorable."

I wish all Thursdays were spa Thursdays.

On exhaustion and k-pop related disappointment

Today Pony dropped the bomb on me - possibly no more K-pop Nonstop parties after their season finale on November 29th, that Pony won't even be able to attend, and man, the depression that followed! There are other k-pop venues in Stockholm, sometimes, but the K-pop Nonstop parties were the ones Pony and I really liked going to. We're going to have to find new outlets for k-pop, and finding parties that only play it might be hard. There's always Fried Rice and Kpop+, but Fried Rice doesn't do just k-pop, and Kpop+ is mostly based in Gothenburg and don't really do that many parties in Stockholm. Sigh. Wednesdays really do suck. Luckily Pony redeemed the situation a bit by sending me an upbeat k-pop playlist on youtube, but I'm left wondering what to do now with my pent-up need to dance to awesome music.

On anxiety and thoughts of cake

On carb loving and twin missing

I could never go on a low carb diet. Never ever. I love carbs much too much. Bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar... all this stuff is magical. The other stuff surrounding it is secondary. Carbs are where it's at. It's funny how people are so different in what they thrive on eating. Pony can't fill up on carbs at all, for instance. She sticks to protein, whereas I couldn't be less bothered about that stuff. It's probably down to workout habits and stuff, but I just can't understand people who cut it out of their lives completely.