On spring and sun

Spring is here, friends. With it, a lot of introspection and thinking, thus the dropping from the face of the earth. I'm going to be out for a little longer, but I'll be back soon. Just checking in to let you know I'm okay.

Cherish the sun, dolls.

On brain farts and melancholy

This first week of work has been really exhausting. You come back, you have to get into the swing of things - and fast, or you're fucked. I accidentally left the grocery store with the plastic shopping basket still in hand, which just goes to show what completely ridiculous brain farts will occur when I'm this out of it.

Oh the feelings.

Emotionally, I feel like today I reached my limit for the week. I'd love to go straight into hermit mode at this point, but unfortunately I've got my part time gig at Mr. Stone River's office tomorrow evening, so I'm still going to have to try to be presentable. By the time the day was over today, though, I was pretty far from presentable, and I can only tell you guys how beautiful it was to change into a new flannel pajama and cozy up with melancholy movies and feelings. Eventful Thursdays call for melancholy and pajamas. It's just one of those life rules.

On meeting gods

You guys know what's fun? Going out for the day to visit shrines and go grocery shopping and then realizing that your key for the front door no longer works. For real. I freaked out in the doorway, bags littered on the ground by my mailbox, and stood jamming a key that wouldn't enter into the lock, progressively freaking out more and more and imagining more or less crazy scenarios where my landlord switched the lock without telling me for some reason. I snuck in when a neighbour left, and was then deathly afraid of leaving again, lest I never get into my building, ever. 

On yearly highlights and a total lack of fireworks

And what a year it's been.

On potatoes and aqua men

"You're so oshare!" one of my favourite from the Japanese staff said today. I was a little taken aback, since 'oshare' means 'fashionable' and 'cool-looking', and I was just wearing my usual work getup (plus glasses, funky socks and a big-ass scarf). I guess drop crotch pants make me look cool even when I'm a square. I guess that's a plus. Even in my lessen observations, the people doing them write that I 'always look professional'. I'm just happy to be able to get away with this kind of stuff - as some of you may remember, that was one of my biggest issues with this job: having to wear business attire (because I'm a terribly vain person). Just give my Fashion Pajamas and I'm good to go.

On finding myself mainstream

Just as pop culture has taught us, Japanese girls are cute. Most of them are cute in that non-descript way that happens when people have the same haircut, same makeup style and look like they shop in the same store (i.e. probably 80% of all college girls around here), and it's a way that requires a lot of work. When I moved I was about as low maintenance as anyone could imagine. Since moving, however, I've grown far more interested in makeup and other girly things, and I've expanded my routines to things like bb cream, blush, makeup remover before bed, and shaving my legs with razors that aren't the cheap disposable kind (setting the bar high here, I know). In the Japanese mind, I'm still very low maintenance, but it's funny how much more effort I spend on this stuff now. It's funny how much I like spending effort on this stuff. I'm still me. I'm just a far more put together version of me than most people know me as.

Still as true as it ever was.

On image changes and autumn days

There's something about living in this country that makes me legitimately want to become a better version of myself. I put a lot of effort into things, from work to clothing, to language skills and general appearance, in a way I didn't do before, and I find myself enjoying it. I've started studying again on a daily basis. I pay all of my bills on time. I do skin care. I have the cleanest living space I've ever had (which anyone who's ever lived with me can testify to). I can keep plants alive. I change my bed linens on a weekly basis. I do laundry even when I haven't run out of underwear. I iron. I use fucking fabric softener. Is this what it's like to be a grown-up? Because... I kinda like it. Bet you never saw that coming.

(and can we just take a moment to appreciate how super hot Beenzino is in this fucking video? Like damn, boy, lemme get you some.)

On hubs and dancing

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how amazing this song is? Sakanaction are totally awesome on their own, but when they remix their own songs, it's like a whole new level of something that just makes the pleasure centers in my brain explode. It's like an 8 minute eargasm. It's the first song they played way back when T and I went to Sonicmania, and I've been searching for it ever since in an obsessive attempt to make it mine and listen to it every day. Luckily they released a new single a few weeks ago, and there it was. Listening to it again for the first time since that night yesterday, all I could do was to once again acknowledge Ichiro Yamaguchi as God, and bow down to his brilliance.

On roads and growing

The Philosopher and I broke up last night. It was kinda long in the making, with things being bad for quite some time this fall, but it just got to the point where we wanted different things, and couldn't give the other what they wanted. I wanted space, he wanted more emotional availability. I'm not the type of person who likes to admit defeat, but the distance wasn't doable in the way we would've liked it to be. We still both deeply care for one another, and would've obviously wished that things could have progressed differently, but things don't happen in this world as they would in an ideal. I worried a lot about the future, since I don't want to leave Japan, and while he offered to try to find a graduate position in Tokyo, this life isn't easy. This place is different. It makes you different, and if you don't want that, or don't want to come here for your own sake, it's not going to work. For him to give up his entire life and move across the globe to a country he knows practically nothing about and with a language he knows literally nothing of, would have been too much weight on my shoulders. I didn't want that.

On boats, fish and concerts

I'm really kind of bad at the whole updating thing, aren't I? Apologies, Silent Readers, as always. Things are cosily chaotic in my world as always. Ups and downs, back and forths, and it's hard to really know where my mind is at. While that's pretty liberating, I feel a little like I'm lost at sea, just paddling any which way and hoping that whatever current carries my boat will eventually carry me to some peace of mind. It's been a bumpy couple of weeks.

On yo-yo work and yo-yo days

August has so far not been the most stellar of months for me, at least not work-wise. Everyone in Japan is currently celebrating Obon, which means that everyone who's not originally from Tokyo is leaving the city to hang out with relatives, and everyone who's actually from Tokyo is deciding to not give a shit about English. My bookings are low, and I got another pesky negative yesterday. It ended up making me feel rather crushed. Luckily though, the blow was significantly softened in that I'd already asked my bosses for my lesson score comments, so that I'd know what to improve and what I was doing right. This apparently impressed the both of them to the degree that they even mentioned it to the Gaba higher-ups. I've gotta hand it to Peewee, him telling me to ask my superiors really put me in an awesome light. One of them came by my booth today to tell me to not mind the negative, and that he 'got more negatives in the first few months than I can count with all of my fingers and toes'. My colleagues also tell me not to freak out about it either. I'm working on caring less. Some students are just messed up, I guess.

On glorious returns and apartment love

Like how do I even?

I'm back from the dead, dear silent readers! Well, I say dead, but the truth is that I've moved into my new apartment and only got the internet up and running today. Man, there was just so much paper work to get through with all of that, and most of it was in Japanese. Seriously, I have no idea how people who speak zero Japanese even make it a day in this country. It must be ridiculously hard. I asked another guy at work, who said he spoke like ten words of it, and he just said that he had a girlfriend who spoke Japanese and who'd take care of everything for him, like getting him a phone and a bank account. In comparison I feel like I'm a mix of fiercely independant and very alone. I'm not unhappy with that state of being, as I do enjoy a whole lot of time with myself, but it does feel a little odd to not really have anyone at all around when I'm used to people around at pretty much all times.

On Kraftwerk naps, AI love and childhood thoughts

Man, this cold is really getting the better of me. I hardly have a voice anymore. Half of what I say comes out as a squak, and the other half as a whisper. Day two of staying home from work is proving to be far less eventful than day one, but I think that's what I need right now. Staying in and not speaking.

I'm finishing up the Interview task for the job in Japan, and it's pretty hard trying to understand what they want and what I should say, but I think I'm doing a pretty okay job of it. It needs to be in by tomorrow, so I'm not in a huge hurry or anything, which is good. Taking things at a slow pace feels good sometimes, especially when everything else related to all of that has gone so seamlessly so far. I managed to get the reference letters in on time. I'm still on schedule.

So please please please hire me.

On unpredictable situations and predictable me

I think I might really like teaching. Not gonna lie, that may be because I'm rather partial to the student, but I don't think that's the only reason. I spent Sunday afternoon at a small café with Moonlight, going through a chapter in his Swedish coursework, and I genuinely found it really fun. Maybe that's because Moonlight is highly intelligent, and not just adorable. That's always a good thing. Anyways, even if I was teaching Swedish, I was teaching Swedish in English and enjoying myself while doing so, and I see that as a good sign for the future. It's almost like you can see the cogs turn in a person's head, and then suddenly everything just falls into place with just some gentle prodding on your part. It feels pretty damn glorious. If I could, I'd love to do one-on-one study sessions when I'm working in Japan too as it's so much easier to tailor things to the person's needs. Also, it's just... I don't know, nice. It's a way of hanging out that I really approve of.

I feel tremendously terrible for having missed that Sakanaction released not only one, but two new songs while I was wallowing in self-pity these past six weeks. What kind of a fan am I? Their song Eureka has turned out to be my love of the year so far, could well be my new theme song. It's like hearing spring, which is nice when you're in a snowy landscape with biting winds. The short clips from Tokyo portray it beautifully, and I feel really nostalgic watching it. I kinda can't stop. Listening to it fills me with that good old wanderlust again. Watching the video closes the distance between the city and my heart. I live recklessly, recklessly.

On mid-day naps and feeling at peace

I'm still completely in love with this week off. Doing absolutely fuck all in a very slow pace could be my dream for the future. I've spent more time reading lately than I've had time for in a really long time, and I've missed it so much. Curled up in a warm sweater with a really interesting book about a failed polar expedition and a big cup of tea, and I don't know why people ask me why I'm not going anywhere on my week off. I'm where I want to be. I've got what I need.

On birthdays spent on an emotional rollercoaster

It's birthday time, bitches.

On a distinct lack of Christmas spirit and planning responsibilities

I don't know if it's been the absolutely cheerless weather that's been going on recently, but I've been feeling particularly Grinch-y this holiday season. The Christmas spirit just hasn't been there. Even meeting my family yesterday for more Christmas food and holiday cheer was on par with a regular family gathering - nothing all that special. I was feeling like I would much rather have stayed at home with some chips and a pizza rather than hang around my loud nieces and nephiews. They always give me rather nasty headaches with their squealy child voices. Does that make me a bad person? Being able to go home and have a lazy day before work with G feels so much more pleasant to me. Silence, I've missed you.

On therapy and computer issues

Friday could possibly have been the best night out in... I don't know, ever I guess? Pony and I had so much fun, both sporting a hangover yesterday to prove it. Seriously, I was dizzy, light sensitive and exhausted, and yet really happy. I guess it's really true how when you do good things, life rewards you with some sweet deals, like new friends and having VIXX on your brain all day.

I think some people would find it weird to hear me go around singing "I need therapy, lalalalala therapy", but hell, at least it's catchy.

On relaxation and dancing like a crazy person

It's Friday, and time for Kpop Nonstop! Pony and I have a whole evening of kpop goodness planned. It suits me fine after an excellent day at Yasuragi spa yesterday, which was eight hours of onsen style baths, tea and fruit, yoga, some more onsen baths and swimming a few hundred meters in their swimming pool. Reading a book in warm water outside with the cold November wind in your hair while enjoying a day of almost complete silence was amazing. I even got to eat okonomiyaki for lunch, which I haven't done since I was in Kyoto, and it tasted almost the same and I felt really nostalgic. When I came back to town, I was relaxed in both body and mind, and it's kept on going like that for most of the day as well. I feel a little tired and my shoulders ache a bit from the yoga, but all in all I feel so much better for having gone. I'm filled with what the Puppy called a 'yogi calm. "You look so good! I like seeing this version of you. You're so giggly. It's adorable."

I wish all Thursdays were spa Thursdays.

On fridge hang-ups and tip dilemmas

I try to tell myself that it doesn't bother me that much when our new roomie puts his food on my shelf in the fridge. I don't keep all that much there myself since I don't really eat at home all that often because of work, so it's not like there's no space for him to borrow, but just in terms of my general OCD, it's extremely annoying. I don't like being petty, and going "Hey dude, you can't have your stuff on my obviously very empty shelf" does seem to be one of those enormously petty things, but it irks me. I like our new roomie, but between this fridge dilemma and frying bacon almost every morning... man, I don't know. I can't wait until I have my own place in Japan with my own fridge that I can be anal about.

Cue the unrealistic expectations.