On brain farts and melancholy

This first week of work has been really exhausting. You come back, you have to get into the swing of things - and fast, or you're fucked. I accidentally left the grocery store with the plastic shopping basket still in hand, which just goes to show what completely ridiculous brain farts will occur when I'm this out of it.

Oh the feelings.

Emotionally, I feel like today I reached my limit for the week. I'd love to go straight into hermit mode at this point, but unfortunately I've got my part time gig at Mr. Stone River's office tomorrow evening, so I'm still going to have to try to be presentable. By the time the day was over today, though, I was pretty far from presentable, and I can only tell you guys how beautiful it was to change into a new flannel pajama and cozy up with melancholy movies and feelings. Eventful Thursdays call for melancholy and pajamas. It's just one of those life rules.

On yearly highlights and a total lack of fireworks

And what a year it's been.

On sobs, hopes and homecoming

Going home ended up feeling a little rough. I mean, mom was visibly upset (while the others were being far more sombre about it), and hugging everyone just made me successively more bummed out. My niece kept hugging me over and over, and right before I walked out the door, she called my name. "Can you not be gone for such a long time?" she asked, her tiny voice quivering. "Because I'm going to miss you so much. But you know, even if you are gone for long, we'll still be together." And I broke down like a little shit. I'd managed to keep it together up until that point, but it was just impossible to not grab that adorable little munchkin and hug the crap out of her while sobbing.

Goddamn onion cutting ninjas are sneaking around my parents' house, that's for sure.

On finding myself mainstream

Just as pop culture has taught us, Japanese girls are cute. Most of them are cute in that non-descript way that happens when people have the same haircut, same makeup style and look like they shop in the same store (i.e. probably 80% of all college girls around here), and it's a way that requires a lot of work. When I moved I was about as low maintenance as anyone could imagine. Since moving, however, I've grown far more interested in makeup and other girly things, and I've expanded my routines to things like bb cream, blush, makeup remover before bed, and shaving my legs with razors that aren't the cheap disposable kind (setting the bar high here, I know). In the Japanese mind, I'm still very low maintenance, but it's funny how much more effort I spend on this stuff now. It's funny how much I like spending effort on this stuff. I'm still me. I'm just a far more put together version of me than most people know me as.

Still as true as it ever was.

On colds, concentration issues and cuties

So hey, you guys remember when I wrote that this apartment is kinda cold?

I am currently wearing not one, but two knitted sweaters and a big-ass woolen scarf, because oh-my-god-this-fucking-country-needs-to-learn-to-isolate-their-fucking-buildings. It doesn't help that one of my walls is literally just windows. I guess this is kinda exacerbated by the fact that I'm exhausted and am probably getting a bit sick - that does always make me really cold (and gives me undereye circles of absolute fucking doom), but the truth cannot be denied - I look like an eastern European immigrant from the 1800's. I'm so happy I have the next four days off. There's a lot of tea drinking and heat conserving in store for me for the next few days.

On image changes and autumn days

There's something about living in this country that makes me legitimately want to become a better version of myself. I put a lot of effort into things, from work to clothing, to language skills and general appearance, in a way I didn't do before, and I find myself enjoying it. I've started studying again on a daily basis. I pay all of my bills on time. I do skin care. I have the cleanest living space I've ever had (which anyone who's ever lived with me can testify to). I can keep plants alive. I change my bed linens on a weekly basis. I do laundry even when I haven't run out of underwear. I iron. I use fucking fabric softener. Is this what it's like to be a grown-up? Because... I kinda like it. Bet you never saw that coming.

(and can we just take a moment to appreciate how super hot Beenzino is in this fucking video? Like damn, boy, lemme get you some.)

On roads and growing

The Philosopher and I broke up last night. It was kinda long in the making, with things being bad for quite some time this fall, but it just got to the point where we wanted different things, and couldn't give the other what they wanted. I wanted space, he wanted more emotional availability. I'm not the type of person who likes to admit defeat, but the distance wasn't doable in the way we would've liked it to be. We still both deeply care for one another, and would've obviously wished that things could have progressed differently, but things don't happen in this world as they would in an ideal. I worried a lot about the future, since I don't want to leave Japan, and while he offered to try to find a graduate position in Tokyo, this life isn't easy. This place is different. It makes you different, and if you don't want that, or don't want to come here for your own sake, it's not going to work. For him to give up his entire life and move across the globe to a country he knows practically nothing about and with a language he knows literally nothing of, would have been too much weight on my shoulders. I didn't want that.

On yo-yo work and yo-yo days

August has so far not been the most stellar of months for me, at least not work-wise. Everyone in Japan is currently celebrating Obon, which means that everyone who's not originally from Tokyo is leaving the city to hang out with relatives, and everyone who's actually from Tokyo is deciding to not give a shit about English. My bookings are low, and I got another pesky negative yesterday. It ended up making me feel rather crushed. Luckily though, the blow was significantly softened in that I'd already asked my bosses for my lesson score comments, so that I'd know what to improve and what I was doing right. This apparently impressed the both of them to the degree that they even mentioned it to the Gaba higher-ups. I've gotta hand it to Peewee, him telling me to ask my superiors really put me in an awesome light. One of them came by my booth today to tell me to not mind the negative, and that he 'got more negatives in the first few months than I can count with all of my fingers and toes'. My colleagues also tell me not to freak out about it either. I'm working on caring less. Some students are just messed up, I guess.

On birthdays spent on an emotional rollercoaster

It's birthday time, bitches.

On things turning out better than expected

It's almost midnight now, and I'm camped out on my couch listening to the sounds of T sleeping deeply in my room. It feels kinda surreal. A year and a half of existing through a screen, and suddenly he's here in the flesh, and it's not even awkward. I'm the queen of awkward otherwise. It's kinda my thing. Yet here we are, chattering away in Japanese in front of totally clueless roommates, and I'm really happy he came. The slight apprehension I had going on about this week to come is draining away, which feels good, all in all. Any week of work is enough to feel magical, I guess, but having a friend over and realizing that you're just as good friends off the internet as you are on it makes it feel even better.

On therapy and computer issues

Friday could possibly have been the best night out in... I don't know, ever I guess? Pony and I had so much fun, both sporting a hangover yesterday to prove it. Seriously, I was dizzy, light sensitive and exhausted, and yet really happy. I guess it's really true how when you do good things, life rewards you with some sweet deals, like new friends and having VIXX on your brain all day.

I think some people would find it weird to hear me go around singing "I need therapy, lalalalala therapy", but hell, at least it's catchy.

On relaxation and dancing like a crazy person

It's Friday, and time for Kpop Nonstop! Pony and I have a whole evening of kpop goodness planned. It suits me fine after an excellent day at Yasuragi spa yesterday, which was eight hours of onsen style baths, tea and fruit, yoga, some more onsen baths and swimming a few hundred meters in their swimming pool. Reading a book in warm water outside with the cold November wind in your hair while enjoying a day of almost complete silence was amazing. I even got to eat okonomiyaki for lunch, which I haven't done since I was in Kyoto, and it tasted almost the same and I felt really nostalgic. When I came back to town, I was relaxed in both body and mind, and it's kept on going like that for most of the day as well. I feel a little tired and my shoulders ache a bit from the yoga, but all in all I feel so much better for having gone. I'm filled with what the Puppy called a 'yogi calm. "You look so good! I like seeing this version of you. You're so giggly. It's adorable."

I wish all Thursdays were spa Thursdays.

On breakups

You guys have probably some idea that something's up, given the cryptic messages and hints as I write this blog not only for you silent readers, but also for my own sake, but now I'm telling you what's up: Hemingway and I have broken up, and he'll be moving back to Hong Kong sometime early December. I can't say it was a mutual decision, nor an easy one, and it was a long and arduous process that stretched out over days of talking and trying to make sense of things, but it was something I'd been contemplating for a rather long while now and felt like I needed to do. It's much harder to go, even when you feel it's necessary, when you still love the person and they're in no way a jerk to you, but in the end I just felt like we just wanted much too different things, and were probably more different as people than we'd taken into account from the beginning. Even if the distance Tokyo-Hong Kong is shorter than Stockholm-Hong Kong, I couldn't really stand the idea of a distance relationship either. Still, it sucks though, and I don't like hurting people.

On having a new computer baby

This picture makes me want to dye my hair red once it grows a little longer.

So a few days of radio silence turned into approximately 36 hours or so of radio silence. G helped me find a new computer, and I thought I would have to wait until Monday to have it delivered, but here it is, in all its glory, in my kitchen. His name is Akito, because clearly a Fujitsu computer needs a Japanese name, and while he has the birth defect that is Windows 8, I'm already a little bit in love with this new, strong and silent character in my life. I mean, Konrad was great, but Akito here can just offer me so much more.

It's kinda special, doing everything for the first time on a new computer. First blog post. First surfing the news sites. First facebook visit. First k-pop video (which turned out to be VIXX's new song Voodoo Doll - I can't believe I didn't like these guys a month ago). I almost don't want to touch it too much, lest it lose its shiny new-ness.

On fridge hang-ups and tip dilemmas

I try to tell myself that it doesn't bother me that much when our new roomie puts his food on my shelf in the fridge. I don't keep all that much there myself since I don't really eat at home all that often because of work, so it's not like there's no space for him to borrow, but just in terms of my general OCD, it's extremely annoying. I don't like being petty, and going "Hey dude, you can't have your stuff on my obviously very empty shelf" does seem to be one of those enormously petty things, but it irks me. I like our new roomie, but between this fridge dilemma and frying bacon almost every morning... man, I don't know. I can't wait until I have my own place in Japan with my own fridge that I can be anal about.

Cue the unrealistic expectations.

On exhaustion and k-pop related disappointment

Today Pony dropped the bomb on me - possibly no more K-pop Nonstop parties after their season finale on November 29th, that Pony won't even be able to attend, and man, the depression that followed! There are other k-pop venues in Stockholm, sometimes, but the K-pop Nonstop parties were the ones Pony and I really liked going to. We're going to have to find new outlets for k-pop, and finding parties that only play it might be hard. There's always Fried Rice and Kpop+, but Fried Rice doesn't do just k-pop, and Kpop+ is mostly based in Gothenburg and don't really do that many parties in Stockholm. Sigh. Wednesdays really do suck. Luckily Pony redeemed the situation a bit by sending me an upbeat k-pop playlist on youtube, but I'm left wondering what to do now with my pent-up need to dance to awesome music.

On new encounters, good music and becoming one with the Snorlax

Last night, while studying late, I felt really cold. I crawled into my Snorlax suit and kept going for another hour or two, before falling asleep. I now never ever want to take it off, as it was the most comfortable thing I've ever slept in (or walked around in, or lounged around in, or done anything in). It's like this suit is channeling the spirit of Snorlax, and if I keep wearing it as constantly as I've been since finishing it Saturday, sooner or later we'll fuse together and I'll become Snorlax for real.

On some kids being less terrible than others and k-pop related sadness

What's the deal with everyone selling defective phones? Swedish Ebay site Tradera's phone page is like 90% items that are broken or fucked in some way or another. "The screen's cracked, the phone doesn't charge and it has some water damage. Easily fixable!" and you just want to curb stomp the seller for wasting my time. I had what I thought would be a quick deal happening on another phone, but the seller just kinda dropped off the face of the earth. How hard is it to just answer emails when you're trying to get a deal happening? I'm trying to give you money here, cut me some slack.

On fall fluff and declarations of appreciation

Today's one of those days that really feel like fall. It's a day I want to spend cooped up at home, wrapped up in a big duvet and reading with a huge cup of tea while listening to Nell. Obviously that's not going to happen, because of work and stuff, but all in all I feel kinda good about stuff while feeling pleasantly fall-melancholy. The trees are all turning red and gold now, and it's time to start wrapping up huge scarves and fluffy things.

On shoe- and key troubles

I think I have a million pairs of shoes. At least that's what it feels like. I have far more heels than I ever use, unfortunately, since I get self-conscious when I feel too tall. Why are most people so tiny? I have one pair of really gorgeous wedge heels that I love to death and wear all the time though. I saw them in a Topshop store during a sale, and even though I was pretty broke at the time it was one of those 'I need these shoes to live!'-moments and I've never regretted it. They're the hottest shoes I own.

I've been looking for a pair of flat shoes with a similar feel to them, that I can love as much as these babies, but it seems to be really frustratingly hard to come across. I don't get why. There are a million wedged sneakers out there now, and they tend to look pretty damn cool, but there are hardly any cool flat sneakers to come by. I spend way too much time scouring shoe sites looking for the perfect pair, and whenever I find anything that tickles my fancy at all, it's always something that costs several thousands of SEK, which just doesn't fly.