On breakups

You guys have probably some idea that something's up, given the cryptic messages and hints as I write this blog not only for you silent readers, but also for my own sake, but now I'm telling you what's up: Hemingway and I have broken up, and he'll be moving back to Hong Kong sometime early December. I can't say it was a mutual decision, nor an easy one, and it was a long and arduous process that stretched out over days of talking and trying to make sense of things, but it was something I'd been contemplating for a rather long while now and felt like I needed to do. It's much harder to go, even when you feel it's necessary, when you still love the person and they're in no way a jerk to you, but in the end I just felt like we just wanted much too different things, and were probably more different as people than we'd taken into account from the beginning. Even if the distance Tokyo-Hong Kong is shorter than Stockholm-Hong Kong, I couldn't really stand the idea of a distance relationship either. Still, it sucks though, and I don't like hurting people.

It's not just about hurting others either. Even though I took the step, I feel like my heart's breaking. Even though it ended up becoming really detrimental to my health, with panic attacks happening at increasing frequency, it's still sad to leave something that was mostly a really positive thing, especially in the beginning when it gave me new energy to handle graduation - the single most stressful thing I've ever done. I feel guilty, like I should've been able to make it work somehow if I wasn't so [insert adjective here]. The problem with that kind of thinking is that denying any one of those adjectives is denying a part of myself. I take on blame for things that aren't strictly my fault - not anyone's fault really. Hemingway putting on a brave face to make things less painful for me almost makes me feel even more like a bad person, and the guilt from hurting him yet relying on his strength like I kinda do makes me feel terrible.

Greg managed to revive himself and pull through his whole ordeal, and I find solace in hiding in the kitchen with him, drinking hot barley chocolate and reading Haruki Murakami books before work. Like I whined about before I have this massive cold and no-one to fill in for me, so I have to go croaking all the way through dinner service. It's far from ideal. That being said, the universe seems to acknowledge that things are shitty right now, by sending me things it knows I like, like handsome Korean customers, the new Japanese woman working in the kitchen being super sweet, and the spectacle that was Karate Husband and Anime boy Yohei hanging Christmas lights. I haven't told anyone at work about the breakup, as I don't think it's any of their business, and yet they all seem to understand that I need a little extra kindness right now. Things are kinda rough, and I'm pretty far from being as happy with life right now as I wish I was, but it'll pass. I'm not freaking out about it too much (even though there's been a lot of crying), because I know that feeling like this is temporary. Like all things, it'll fade.