On Monday madness

Despite it being Monday and probably not as busy as I imagined it was, I felt totally overwhelmed at work. I suddenly remembered that I needed desperately to score Wednesday off so that I can go to the Margaret Cho gig with O and some other friends, and I was freaking out because of who to ask to fill my shift. For no apparent reason I'd made up my mind that the Swedish sisters that work most weekends probably hate me and wouldn't take my shift even if I asked them. I felt terrible for not having spoken to T in a few days, since he's probably equally nervous about coming here on Friday, and I was coming down hard on myself for not being able to meet T at the airport like I promised, since he lands at 7.30 p.m. and chances are I'll probably have to stay until 8 p.m. at work to help Mafune out (whom I was also sure hated me since she let me off an hour early on Friday and took a whole bunch of my shifts for when T's here. Yeah, reading that back it doesn't make any sense to me either). T coming over at all kinda freaks me out, as we haven't seen each other in a year and a half. Lots of people came in to eat at the same time, and I constantly felt a little behind in everything I did. Mafune was there with Karate Son, giving tips and feedback on a video project he'd made, making my brain snap and finally go over the deep end. "Oh my god, I'll never be as cool as Mafune, she's like his big sister and here I am as some loner weeaboo that they sometimes talk to out of pity and oh-my-god-I-feel-like-I'm-going-to-throw-up-why-the-hell-am-I-going-to-Japan-I'll-be-so-alone-help!"

Accurate representation of my brain at the time.

I kinda felt like I was having a panic attack, light version. All I could do to not freak out and want to run away was to focus solely on my job and to just kinda try to not be a crazy person. Then, after some supportive texting with Pony and telling her exactly everything going on at that very moment, I began calming down. I got my Wednesday night off (from one of the Swedish girls who told me she was 'happy to be able to help', right after Mafune had told me that she was busy but would move her plans if I couldn't get the Swedes to pull through, which left me in shock and awe at what an amazing person she is), I texted Norimaki-san to make plans for hanging out and drinking beer, and as soon as Karate Son left for the evening I relaxed again. I still need to talk to T to tell him the details of everything before he comes, and I still need to come to terms with the fact that Christmas is in one goddamn week, but it was a nice turn-around.

Obviously work still sucked, since even though it was a minor brush with anxiety, it's still really emotionally draining. I didn't feel like doing shit. Seeing as it's my job, I clearly had to do shit, but it's clear to say that it wasn't done with much enthusiasm. I would've much rather continued to stay at home, playing Little Big Planet 2 and having tea and toast with scrambled eggs and naps, like before I headed off to work. Weekends pass by so quickly. Where the hell do they go? I sure as hell haven't given time my permission to speed up as it has since October. November just kinda breezed through and here we are, pushing the holidays. Time just doesn't seem to want to adhere to my planning. Then again, my planning doesn't even seem to want to adhere to my planning. I can't really seem to win when it comes to that.

I guess it's one of those 'small steps' situations. One foot in front of the other. Slow and steady wins the race. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... and as long as I stick to it, I generally don't feel terrible about stuff. Occasionally yeah, a bit overwhelmed, but even at times like that I'm calm enough to know that it's a fleeting feeling, and that with some time everything will eventually just calm down and be alright. Like Pony said: it's okay to not have it all figured out, and it's okay for things not to be perfect. It's okay that I'm confused as hell about what I want to do with my life, and I'm okay despite all these things.

You tell 'em, Junsu!

Generally, I want things to be clean-cut because I tend to have a hard time processing my own emotions. I like being rational and unemotional almost to a flaw, sometimes to the point of making people wonder if I have Asbergers or something, because feelings are something that can't be controlled through willpower in the same way as rational thinking can. Feelings hold a lot of power, and while I'm guarded with mine and don't often express them as vocally as others do, don't make the mistake of thinking they're not there. Things involving the heart are hard for me to handle, but I'm really trying to make some progress in that area, seeing as I think it's probably good to be able to handle having them, which I wasn't really able to a few years ago. Things are rough, and sometimes they feel even rougher, but I'm trudging along, still moving forward, and I feel good about every step in the right direction, no matter how small. It'll get me to where I want to go in the end.