I need to quit my job. This became painfully clear to me after a fight with Pony, during which time we both figured out that we were angry at the other for never being able to see each other, and it ended in me bawling on the stairs across from the store for like half an hour. My energy levels are totally depleted. There's just nothing left. I felt like shit around Christmas, and then so much better after my time off, but now I'm right back to where I was before and I feel so unhappy. I obviously don't want to be unemployed, but I just can't deal with this anymore. I need to get some sanity back into my life.
I tried calling my parents about this. Given their work situation and the problems linked to that, I was pretty sure they'd be understanding, but still mom kept telling me that I "can't just quit your job because it's boring. All jobs are boring. It's always going to be like this." but that I'm an 'adult' and can apparently make decisions based on my own feelings and reasoning. It would've felt nice to have support on this, especially when I go "It's not that I'm bored. It's that I broke down crying on the stairs outside of the food store at the thought of going to work today". I don't get what's hard to understand about that. The combined stress and worry about moving away isn't going over too well with working a stressful job with too much social interaction with hardly any time off. Once the spring and summer season starts with massive amounts of customers, I'll be fucked if I'm still there.
Having made the decision I do feel better though. All I need to do now is to let people know and to finish up. I can live through three more weeks. I kinda have to. After that, it's anyone's bet really. Either I spend my time making preparations for Japan, or I try to score another part time job with less shit times that I can quit at a moment's notice and run away to greener pastures. I mean, it'll probably be an equally shit job, but anything that isn't where I am now is good. Mysteries with Karate Husband be damned, I need to get out.
There's this thing about people though. I know they're trying to help and all, but I'd just rather they didn't. People acting all concerned doesn't exactly make me feel any better. For instance, Moonlight showed up when I was mid-bawl, out of nowhere, to study Swedish with Pony, and I kept wishing he would just leave. It's taken a lot for me to get used to being emotional in front of Pony, as I detest letting others see me cry, so all I wanted at that moment was for him to disappear and forget all about it. Of course this didn't happen - the confrontation was momentarily delayed by Pony sending him away to her apartment, but he came by later before I headed off to work (calling me about 7 times in a row and then walking in uninvited when there was no response) and demanded I tell him what was wrong. I'm a little on the fence with that approach. I mean, it's great that he cares, but I wish people would respect when I'm clearly trying to show that I'm not in the mood to talk or see anyone. People who also demand that you look at them when you'd much rather stare into the mattress also make me uncomfortable. "Stop crying, it's stupid. I thought it was something serious, like you were pregnant or something! This is easy!" doesn't really send me into a realm of happy thoughts either. I'm sure it wasn't meant the way it was said, but it still kinda pissed me off. The rest of the time was spent with more fruitful attempts at cheering me up, so there's that at least. I see the thought behind it, and I appreciate it, but you know. I have a kinda push-pull relation to this kind of stuff, I both want and don't want it.
Moonlight keeps pestering me about what I want to do in the future though, and that is beginning to really annoy me. I don't know. I don't even really want to discuss the subject. There's nothing in life that I really feel like "oh, I want to do that!" and I've never had that. Everything related to the future is just some kind of abstract concept in my world. Getting a steady job in a field of my interest? Abstract fantasy. Getting married and having a family? Abstract fantasy. There's nothing about it that I'm really looking forward to, because nothing feels real. 25 years have passed, and I don't feel like I have all that much to show for it. What's to say that it's not what life is, really? A whole bunch of shit that happens and fucks up your plans, and then you just try to make the best of it, for another 65 years or so. I don't know, maybe that's too bleak. "Try not to be so negative. Do it for me. I don't want to be around negative people." Because thank you, some added pressure from the person I really like was all I needed in this situation to make me feel like a complete fuck-up.
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