On work ethic and narcissism

Gaba students are some bullshit. A week after June is finished someone gives me a 3 and fucks up my score. So far for July, there's a rain of 4s happening. If I ever needed a reason to get out of this place, being instantly put in a shitty, vengeful mood when I wake up is as good as any, right?

Seriously though, this job makes me despise people. I'm really trying to not burn any bridges with this architecture job being very far from a sure thing so far, but Christ, I want out. I've smelled freedom and now I can't stay. I kinda wonder if it's that I really want to do this architecture job or if I just really don't want to do Gaba anymore. In any case, as absolutely terrified as I am, I have no second thoughts about taking the plunge.

Watching video tutorials on architecture stuff does make it home what an arrogant little shit I probably was in architecture school. I was the type of person who didn't exactly do poorly, but the teachers rubbed me the wrong way by not praising my every move as I'd grown accustomed to, and as retaliation I decided to just not listen to a lot of stuff that could've made me better and cooler.

Re-learning all of it now has me kinda excited. Like, "wow, I can do all of this cool shit!". It also has me feeling like I was a bit of an arrogant shit in architecture school. If people rubbed me the wrong way, it's like I'd almost go out of my way not to learn. I wasn't a bad student, but for some reason I seemed to have the idea that I'd be punishing the teacher if I didn't learn. Man, had I just spent a little more time watching tutorials than I did loitering around and/or taking smoke breaks, I guess my projects could've been better. But I guess that's how I am - I don't care really unless things are kinda urgent.

I never had any problems related to academics before I started with architecture. I was known for breezing through everything, and I never had to try. Mom likes telling the story about how I reacted in 8th grade, when I didn't get along with my Swedish teacher: "She just hasn't understood that I'm wonderful yet." And true to form, by the following year we were all good. Thus, when architecture school came around and I suddenly wasn't so wonderful anymore, I grew kinda resentful, because I'm narcissistic that way.

It feels really nice to be working towards something now, though. I feel like I'm doing it to better myself, rather than to please people (although I do want to please my hopefully-soon-to-be-boss, because please please please hire me), and I feel that if I just keep it up, I have the potential to do some really awesome stuff. I don't know if I was just more stupid at the time, but watching tutorials I realize that I've been getting results in this backwards way that was way more complicated than it had to be. So much effort ultimately just wasted, when there was an easier way to get shit done.

I guess it all boils down to my family's motto:

Work smart, not hard.