On play pretend and nerves

 It's update time!

So this week has been... interesting. Rough as absolute hell and nerve wracking, is probably the closest description. That being said, I 've realized that I want this so bad. At the architecture job, so far I'm slow and a little like Bambi on ice (okay, a lot). I'm more of a burden than anything else right now, but I hope my desperate tries count for things. I got to take the files I was working on with me home, and I think that if I get something really nice put together by the end of the week, I might have more of a shot in the long run.

Everyone at the office is really nice, but it's like I can't even wipe my own ass - I need help with everything, and the fact that this is something that's going to go up for real, and that I'm there to design the bar that goes in the middle of all of it (under some pretty strict supervision, obviously) hits me like a thousand bricks. It's real. Obviously they won't let me fuck up, but at the same time, I have to make sure I'm on my A-game. Right now, I'm so rusty that all I can do is to desperately try to keep my mind in the game and not just freak out in front of the screen at work about how I feel like I'm not really an architect, and that I'm just this overgrown kid quietly playing architecture while the adults do the work. It sounds kinda downer, but truth be told, it's the most stimulated I've felt in years. My speed is improving, and I'm hoping I'll be alright. I know I'll work hard, anyways.

Gaba, on the other hand, is not going too great. I think I'm pretty exhausted - all I really want to do is go back to the architecture office and work on something that feels real, but there I am, sitting around trying to make the best out of it while I listen to people yak on about their uninteresting lives. I'm so over it.

I can't wait until Friday - Friday is the day when I get to escape all of this for the weekend and just go away with Turtle to Izu. I need to get away a little - soak in some hot springs, eat delicious food, just generally chill... There's been no chill lately. I've been stressed and worried and had my thoughts consumed, and I'm really tired, both mentally and physically. I haven't even really had time to stop and think about what tremendous pressure I'm under, and have been under for a pretty long time now. A friend from Sweden is coming over in a couple of weeks, and I'm trying to muster the energy to be as happy about it as I should, but right now I just want to hide and not do anything, not see anyone for a while. Apart from Turtle, that is. He's been the most amazing boyfriend you could ever ask for, in pretty much every sense. Between getting me the most amazing dinners and encouraging me and getting me snacks when I'm feeling low, I feel so grateful and happy that there's someone I can really lean on here. I'll have a shitty day, and I'll see him, and there's just no stopping the goofy grin on my face.

There's just nothing better.
There's just noone better.