On Christmas crisis

The thought of going back to Sweden legitimately terrifies me.
Seriously. The thought gives me shivers. There's so much I just straight up ran away from that any consideration of going anywhere near it is scarier than pretty much anything else. One thing that's scarier than pretty much anything else is the inevitable conversation with the Philosopher. Now that's one thing I really don't want to do. Things ended in such a weird/bad way that I just kinda aggressively distanced myself from all of it, and now I know that it's going to hurt like a motherfucker to get into it again. I'm going to need emotional support and it's not going to be possible because this is one of those things I'm going to have to do alone. I have no idea how to handle the situation. There's no way it's going to be good.

Talking to my sister K and hearing how my parents have planned absolutely nothing in terms of Christmas just makes me feel even more anxious about it. Like, what was the big rush to get me home for Christmas if we're not actually going to do anything? Then there's going to be some sort of tension with my family, and shit, I don't even know at this point, but I'm dreading the worst. I've gotten so used to my bubble here. I love my bubble here. It's the most liberating thing I've ever done. This bubble grants me all the freedom I've been desperately craving, in pretty much every way, shape and form. Giving it up, if even for ten days or so, makes me anxious. And then, at the same time, of course there are people I desperately miss and want to see. That's a given. But I'm just so scared of everything else.

So yeah, if anyone has any spare hugs or anything... Do you deliver? Preferably overseas?