On life

On hormones and hopes

So this week is shaping up to be the longest drumroll of my life. Two weeks ago, the boss's wife said they'd want to talk to me about my situation this week, but so far, no one has made any effort to have any kind of conversation with me. It's enormously stressful. I try to tell myself that no news is good news, and that at least they're not kicking me out, but combining this work-related anxiety with being all hormonal and period-y, I feel kinda miserable. I'm kinda doubting everything, including Turtle's real affection, because when things feel shitty, all of my logic goes straight out the window.

On stresses and stressers

Last night I was freaking out about my trip to Sweden, and decided to level with mom and ask her what her thoughts were on the matter. Now, I don't always get along with my mom, but sometimes talking to her will make some idea or other spring up. I tried explaining the whole visa issue to her, and while I'm not completely sure she understood what I meant, she suggested that I postpone my trip if it was causing me so much anxiety. "I think you need to come home and see people you love," she said. "Not just your family, but people that mean things to you. But if it's going to be a huge source of stress, it's better to opt out for now and plan it for Christmas or something." I guess that makes sense.

On fireworks, crazy times and true love

Aaand I'm back. Sorry for the delay and all, but it's been a rough ride the past couple of weeks. Working three jobs is really beginning to take its toll on me, and still not really knowing what's up with the architecture job is stressful as hell. I want that job. I want it really bad.

Anywho, in short what's been going on: The presentation of the Shibuya building went well. This, in a best case scenario, means that they'll be thinking about taking over my visa, and my days of people anxiety and fake smiles are gone (most likely to be replaced with work anxiety and deer-in-the-headlights looks). Turtle worked a whole lot and was then adorable, as Turtle tends to be. Time's ticking, and my trip back to Sweden should be happening soon, and it's stressing mee out. A friend from back home is currently in Japan, right smack dab in the middle of all my crap I've got going on. Shit's cray, y'all.

On chills

I have zero chill with this new job. Not that they're demanding a lot from me or anything, but I'm demanding a lot from myself. Before Gaba - architecture. After Gaba - architecture. The fact that the bat is kinda, well, mine makes me very invested in making sure it turns out amazing. So I sit, snivelling in my heavily air conditioned room with the curtains drawn to keep out the relentless heat, and try desperately to think of something cool (pun intended).

On kidneys and the fear of losing them

Since I got crazy sick in Shizuoka, I decided to tap out of going to the architecture office. I felt bad to have to cancel on the second week, but I was just so out of it that there was no point in me being there. I emailed them very regretfully, waiting to get yelled at or a snarky reply or any of the things I've kinda grown to expect from Gaba, but the reply just surprised the hell out of me.

"If you do not feel well, please do not push too much. /.../ Please take a rest and take care! Do you have medicine etc?? If you have any problem, let me know. We are willing to help."

I'm just so not used to it. I feel a little bit like their exotic pet or something. And this all makes me wonder why again. Why are they so damn nice? Like, are they going to try to steal my kidney?

On beaches, buildings and babies

Summer greetings, Silent readers! It's hot as balls here in Japan, but the weather is absolutely lovely. And speaking of lovely, Turtle and I just spent the most wonderful mini-trip at the Izu peninsula in Shizuoka. So if you guys are uninterested in reading about me going super mushy, consider yourself warned - serious mushiness up ahead.

On kindness and cosmic irony

So you know how I mentioned that everyone at the office is really nice and lovely to me? Well, they are. They really are.

On play pretend and nerves

 It's update time!

On spontaneous bosses and immense pressure

I get the feeling that my would-be architecture boss is impulsive as hell. This may just be me having ideas about artists' creative angst or whatever, but he seems to promise a lot before thinking things through. Yesterday, after having set up what time I should arrive on Monday (10.15, omg omg omg), he suddenly emailed me saying (and I paraphrase): "Uh, yeah, what's your visa situation again? I need to make sure you actually can work for me," saying that he'd have his partner/wife look into it.

This is their exchange, as visualized in my head:
Boss: Honey, I think we should hire this Swedish girl I just met.
Boss' wife: Uh...
Boss: She has zero experience.
Boss' wife: Uh...
Boss: But she's from this pretty prestigious university, and her portfolio looks kinda interesting.
Boss' wife: Uh...
Boss: Let's take her on for a month, see what happens.
Boss' wife: Uh... Jesus Christ, honey, you've at least checked that she has the visa for it, right?
Boss: Uh...
Boss' wife: I can't believe you! It's like you're trying to sabotage us, and just when things are getting really busy too! God, I'll have to find some way to fix this situation you keep putting us in.
Boss: Fine! I was just trying to help, but whatever.
[Boss storms out angrily to drink in Golden Gai with random woman, only to find new foreign architect and promise them a job at his firm.]

And SCENE.

On work ethic and narcissism

Gaba students are some bullshit. A week after June is finished someone gives me a 3 and fucks up my score. So far for July, there's a rain of 4s happening. If I ever needed a reason to get out of this place, being instantly put in a shitty, vengeful mood when I wake up is as good as any, right?

Seriously though, this job makes me despise people. I'm really trying to not burn any bridges with this architecture job being very far from a sure thing so far, but Christ, I want out. I've smelled freedom and now I can't stay. I kinda wonder if it's that I really want to do this architecture job or if I just really don't want to do Gaba anymore. In any case, as absolutely terrified as I am, I have no second thoughts about taking the plunge.

On flickering lights

Accidentally pressing the button to the wrong floor today had me almost stepping out into a darkened hallway with flickering lights. Thanks, but I'd rather not be chased around and ultimately killed by Pyramid head if that's all the same to you.

On trade ups

Yesterday Birdie came to me, saying: "I just started talking to the hottest guy on Tinder," showing me a picture that made my blood freeze. It was this guy I met over Tinder myself once, who (without going into too much detail) turned out to be kinda sociopathic and a total narcissist/alround scary dude. I obviously told her all about it, and now we're concocting an elaborate plan for revenge, but it kept me kinda off balance for part of the day. That all disappeared when reaching Turtle's house. You guys know why?

"I bought you this hamper you can put your work clothes in while you're here!"

"I put your headphones away for you while you were in the shower!"

Could the guy be any more lovable?

On soap style dramas

The architect from the bar contacted me last night about starting at their office mid-July, stating how very busy the were. From the start he's been very clear about me not being allowed to say that we met in a bar. This felt pretty obvious to me, since it didn't exactly make me sound awesome either, so I just figured it went without saying. In the email from last night, he stated it yet again, saying "I have a partner (my wife) as design director in my office so please do not tell her we met at the bar :)", giving me some crap story about how I was supposedly recommended to him by some friend of mine instead."Sorry for this but I just need to keep the office nice way." Seeing as he was with some random woman the night we met, my brain kinda went: "Oh. Ohhhh." and things now feel a little weird.

On being a person and being a pawn

There are some things I really love about dating Turtle, but my favourite thing is probably the fact that he treats me like a real person. He doesn't project what he thinks I am or this idea of what he wants me to be. If I'm angry at him, he doesn't get angry at me for being angry. If I'm sad, he won't tell me to lighten up or that I'm being silly to feel the way I do. I've never felt him get jealous about anything, or demand that I change in any way. When he teaches me to play his favourite games, he doesn't just go "A is regular attack, B is special attack - let's go", he devotes half an hour to teach me all of the secret, special moves and when to use them. He legitimately cares about my friends, anything I'm facing at the moment, and ultimately - me.

Not to mention the fact that he has the best shampoo-conditioner combo ever in his shower. That shit does magic for my hair.

On changes and chances

So...
I got a response today.

On emails or lack thereof

Me, every 30 seconds or so.

On gold stars and impatience

Some students really know how to get on my good side. When describing people today, one of my students said: "You have brown hair... and brown eyes... and a nice smile."

I like people who know that flattery is the way to my heart. Gold star for you, young sir.

On wins and charms

Hello pretties! Apologies for the temporary abandonment again, but things have been kinda insane this past week. How insane, you ask? Well, for starters, I might've gotten somewhere in getting my foot in the door for an architecture job. Yes, really.

On the anger and confusion of somehow living in the middle of a rom-com

Fuck my rom-com life.

No really, fuck it right in the ass. It's like everything played out according to something Kate Hudson would star in - first half is quirky and fun and everything is just... rom-comy I guess? And then the big turn happens in the middle, that defining fight, and I have no idea what to do. It's like I'm living 500 Days of Summer, depressing The Smiths soundtrack and all.

On karaoke, police and text messages

You know how people say "Last night was crazy!" when they're talking about nights out, I'm pretty sure I still win in terms of craziness. Don't believe me? Try going out with Birdie and her boyfriend. We hit a karaoke place until 4 in the morning, at which point they had this screaming/crying match in the hallway and police were called to the scene. Luckily it wasn't serious and everyone was alright, nobody dragged off to sober up in a holding cell or anything, but it made for a pretty awkward end to the evening.

On house souls and personal improvements

Man, life, you know? It's hard to be a functioning adult.

On fuckups and hero moms

Do you guys ever mess up, like to the point where you kinda want to vomit and wallow in anxiety? The kind of mistake where you run back and forth in a panic across your bedroom floor because you don't know what else you can do? I had two of those, separate ones, before breakfast today, and they were both due to my own damn incompetence.

On life as short stories

Good evening, Silent Readers! Bet you thought I wasn't going to stay true to my word and tell you about what's been going on? Well think again bitches. It's kinda late and I'm all wrapped up ready for bed, so they're going to be fairly short anecdotes without much coherence. Think of it as my life in short stories, or like me hastily going through a photo album while we're waiting for dinner to finish cooking on the stove.

On complicated starts and complicated relations

See, I told you guys I'd be back, right? I didn't really think it would take all this long, but here I am. It's June, I've gotten my visa renewed after a lot of stress and worrying, and I'm on what T calls my 'season two'. All in all, things feel pretty good. Right now, in this very moment as I'm typing, things are less great. Nothing serious, just my air conditioner breaking down, period cramps and a side of hangover-induced loneliness, that's about it.

There have been some pretty big changes in these three months that I've been AFK. The biggest by far is Turtle. "Who the hell is Turtle?", I hear you say, "and what the hell is up with his shitty nickname?"

So, lemme break it down to you.

On spring and sun

Spring is here, friends. With it, a lot of introspection and thinking, thus the dropping from the face of the earth. I'm going to be out for a little longer, but I'll be back soon. Just checking in to let you know I'm okay.

Cherish the sun, dolls.

On the pursuit of Yohji

With New York Fashion Week having come and gone, and my salary back to what it should be after a very bleak February, I turn my eyes again to trying to make myself look awesome. Like I've said before, one of my life goals is to be able to afford my taste. Sashaying down the street in Yohji Yamamoto, fab hobo style... but alas, I'm a broke-ass girl with expensive tastes in one of the priciest cities of the world. There is unlikely to be any Yohji Yamamoto sashaying in any immediate future. So until then, I'm trying to do Yohji on a budget - and shit's hard. It's even harder not having anyone around who's really interested in that kind of stuff. I miss Pony and Puppy on a pretty much daily basis, but especially at times like these. I need shopping help, peeps.

On having project brain

On hunts and deciding Pony Day

Hey peeps! February doesn't seem to be much for a month of posting. There are some stuff going on, but mostly I think everything feels kinda routine. This morning I found out that someone that was in my initial certification group at work was offered a teaching position at Waseda, while I'm slaving away at Gaba, and that makes me feel a little dejected. Granted, things are better than they were, but I wouldn't mind a teaching position at one of the top universities in the city, if I'm going to have to teach at all I mean. What kind of bothers me though (and will make me sound a bit like a bitch), is how fucking awkward that guy was, and how little experience he had. Shit, is that all that's required? Maybe I should get back on the job hunt path.

Pretty accurate illustration of what will probably come of my job hunting.

I wish I'd brought my degree with me. It's going to suck to have to ask my sister to go up and dig through the millions of boxes to find it.

On brain farts and hotness

Sometimes, when I'm kinda tired, I'll still absentmindedly look around and think: "Shit, there are a lot of really hot Asian dudes here," totally momentarily blanking the fact that I'm in Japan. Then I remember and feel pleased with myself for making my way to a country where I see mind-numbingly hot people on a daily basis. Go me!

Oh hot Asian dudes. Never leave me.

On good starts and bad starts

Pictured: a surprisingly accurate representation.

I got myself a Wacom drawing tablet on Friday evening for Pony-related SCIENCE (I know that makes no sense to you guys, but I know it will make Pony wrack her brain as to what I'm planning for her birthday, so just bear with me)!  I've wanted one for years, literally, but have always been too cheap or nervous about my own ability to get one. The tablet I ended up buying was actually less expensive than I though it'd be, and I'm kinda in love with it. So far I'm still pretty shit at using it, but I'm giving myself time to learn it (and Photoshop), and I think I'm kinda getting there. In the meanwhile, I'm having a butt-load of fun with it.

On neglecting, birthdays and varying degrees of closeness

You guys know the drill - I drop off the face of the earth for a bit, come back, promise to get better, post responsibly for a few weeks, and then I'm gone again. I'm like the abusive, neglecting parent of blogging. I'd say I'm sorry, and that I'll change, but you know as well as I do that it's bullshit. And that's okay. I'm kinda okay with that.

Oh, and happy belated birthday, blog. You're two years old now. Honestly I thought I probably would've abandoned you by now. I guess I'm not that much of a neglecting parent after all.

On hiatuses

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On comparative dude studies

My favourite way to stop thinking about stupid boys is to start thinking about other stupid boys, and in doing that, I've come to the conclusion that some people here sure know how to flirt. Having gone on a number of dates through Tinder, I've noticed some serious skills in some of these boys. It's a lot more discrete and sensual than any flirting I've been used to before - European dudes seem to have missed the lesson in subtlety and are more likely to just move in for a grope. This guy I was having lunch with today was talking to me about the beach, and commented on the fact that I wasn't very tanned.
"Oh, I'm pretty tanned here compared to the underside of my forearms," I replied, pulling up the sleeve of my polo to expose the rest of my arm.
"Wow, you're so white! Your skin's so beautiful," he exclaimed, slowly and lightly letting his finger stroke along the length of the underside of my forearm. It was such a small thing to do, but so wholly effective. It elevated him from a 'Aw, he's cute' to a 'Damn boy, you fine' in a matter of seconds. Honestly, the fact that he just a little while before had gone "Kickboxing is a hobby of mine that I do about once a week. It's super effective, here, feel my stomach!", prompting me to poke his abs (which indeed were rock-fucking-solid), did help sway my opinion a little bit as well.

Well-dressed, handsome, smart, bespectacled boys seem to be a whole (rather numerous) breed of their own here. Just another one of those things that make me love this country.

On late night potato frustrations

Oh, and speaking of nothing at all, I'm pretty sure Potato has tapped out in the running of 'Who Wants To Be My Cuddle Companion?'. I texted him asking to meet up next weekend, and he texted me back like a bazillion hours later, going "Sorry, I'm super busy this week and next", making absolutely no effort to reschedule to any other date, and I just grew tired of the bullshit. "Got it. Take care." was all I said, and it's just like... goddamn it, just tell me if you're not wanting to hang out anymore.

I'm pissed at myself for letting it get to this. I didn't want to have feelings. Fuck those feelings. Fuck 'em. And fuck him for not having them back.

On brain farts and melancholy

This first week of work has been really exhausting. You come back, you have to get into the swing of things - and fast, or you're fucked. I accidentally left the grocery store with the plastic shopping basket still in hand, which just goes to show what completely ridiculous brain farts will occur when I'm this out of it.

Oh the feelings.

Emotionally, I feel like today I reached my limit for the week. I'd love to go straight into hermit mode at this point, but unfortunately I've got my part time gig at Mr. Stone River's office tomorrow evening, so I'm still going to have to try to be presentable. By the time the day was over today, though, I was pretty far from presentable, and I can only tell you guys how beautiful it was to change into a new flannel pajama and cozy up with melancholy movies and feelings. Eventful Thursdays call for melancholy and pajamas. It's just one of those life rules.

On compliments, charms and crankiness

At work today, the first ever fairly accurate case of 'Hey, you look like that white actress/musician/famous person' ever happened, with one of my cute (but identical) university girl students went: "I watched that movie, you know, About Time? You look like the girl from there."

Aww, cute but identical university student, you sure know how to charm my socks off.

I'll take a Rachel McAdams compliment any day over a Taylor Swift one. Plus, that hair is super cute. Maybe I should cut my bangs shorter?

On trips and trains

Trip time!

On meeting gods

You guys know what's fun? Going out for the day to visit shrines and go grocery shopping and then realizing that your key for the front door no longer works. For real. I freaked out in the doorway, bags littered on the ground by my mailbox, and stood jamming a key that wouldn't enter into the lock, progressively freaking out more and more and imagining more or less crazy scenarios where my landlord switched the lock without telling me for some reason. I snuck in when a neighbour left, and was then deathly afraid of leaving again, lest I never get into my building, ever. 

On non-fancy New Year's Eves and new resolutions

I woke up with a text from Puppy, where he goes "I hope your New Years was super fancy!". Spending it in your pajamas eating cookies and watching House of Cards doesn't really go down in history as a kind of Great Gatsby New Years, and while I was perfectly happy with it last night, I'm feeling like it was a bit of a missed opportunity this morning. Part of me thinks I should've gone out on this crazy adventure, maybe because that's what I think people expect of me now (and because it would've been pretty dope), and part of me loves spending a romantic evening with myself. Netflix and pajamas, y'all. It can't be beaten.