On interview nerves

Today was my second interview with Gaba, and I felt nervous enough to vomit. Luckily I didn't vomit all over the laptop, even though two minutes before the interview, that felt like a serious concern. I'm lucky that thinking on the spot is something that I'm relatively good at, because role-playing lessons given no notice at all with the feeling that I had to get it right, lest all my hopes and dreams come crashing down, crushing me into a pulp, is enough to make anyone's mind go completely blank. The stakes aren't just high, they're practically massive. I'm pretty much thrusting my life goal in the hands of these people, hoping they will take a chance with me despite the paper work being more of a hassle and my total lack of experience. Knowing that and holding it together for 50 minutes without letting the facade crack even once is tough work.

Eternally grateful that the webcam was only filming me from the shoulders up, as my hands were freaking the fuck out.

On friends in wells

Max called me at 5.30 a.m. in the fits of a panic attack, telling me things about how he couldn't breathe and was going to die, how I wasn't allowed to say his name because it made me sound like his girlfriend, how he had a crush on me when my hair was blue, how he would build a huge home in the future with space for all of us who like Totoro and Haruki Murakami, how he needed to tell Knives Chau how badly she had hurt him when they had a fling two years ago, and just generally spewing out so many strange things as to actually make me really nervous for him ("I want to dance when I see you next. Do you want to dance with me? We should dance."). We breathed through it and he calmed down once he started describing in detail the dinner he would cook for O and I when next we see him, but was still far from coherent when he hung up fifteen minutes later to call O.

On being great

"You know, you're great," the one-armed man I was serving told me as I was handling his bill. I was stumped at first and responded with the very charming "huh?" while looking at him like he'd magically morphed into a talking unicorn or something.
"We were just talking about you," he said, motioning to the woman who was with him. "We were talking about how great you are. You're so kind and helpful!"
Generally I'm more used to people being dicks, so I thanked them profusely while smiling a real smile, not my 'Hi, this is my work face'-smile.
"That's really sweet of you to say. People don't really say that all that often."
"Well they should! You're really good at this!"
I guess this was the universe's way of apologizing for letting the crazy Kirin man show up. Luckily, we were so busy that I didn't have time to serve him at all, leaving poor Shan to take all of his abuse instead. Seriously, that man makes my skin crawl. I caught a glimpse of him while pouring beer for another table and literally started to shake. That's one scary motherfucker.

On visa worries and life doubts

As soon as Sunday evening rolled around, with thoughts of Monday and a week at work, I couldn't sleep again. There's just no doubt in my mind at this point that it's no coincidence anymore. In the end I think I got around five fitful hours. At least it's good to be sure of the reason I guess. Also good to know that said reason will be gone and no longer any of my concern in eleven days. The countdown has begun.

Speaking of countdowns - I passed the Interview Task and am heading for my second interview, which, if I pass, will land me that job and the work visa I so desperately crave. It's close now. Close enough to touch. And I want it.

Let me taste that sweet Japan goodness.

On good weekends, pizza and new friends

When I read that if I get the job I'm applying for right now, students will be able to give me reviews, this is the kind of review I want. If people were this happy with me, I'd know for sure I was doing something right.

On Kraftwerk naps, AI love and childhood thoughts

Man, this cold is really getting the better of me. I hardly have a voice anymore. Half of what I say comes out as a squak, and the other half as a whisper. Day two of staying home from work is proving to be far less eventful than day one, but I think that's what I need right now. Staying in and not speaking.

I'm finishing up the Interview task for the job in Japan, and it's pretty hard trying to understand what they want and what I should say, but I think I'm doing a pretty okay job of it. It needs to be in by tomorrow, so I'm not in a huge hurry or anything, which is good. Taking things at a slow pace feels good sometimes, especially when everything else related to all of that has gone so seamlessly so far. I managed to get the reference letters in on time. I'm still on schedule.

So please please please hire me.

On my guardian Kumamon and nasty colds

I've set Friday as the magical day where unless my sleeping problems have cleared up, I need to go to the doctor's office. Three weeks of insomnia is fucking me up. I have a massive cold and there's just no energy anywhere in my system. I miss sleeping well. It was one of those things I was really good at. Last night I slept in two not very restful four-hour shifts, not falling asleep until 1 a.m. and then waking up at 5 and 9, feeling like I've been run over by a truck. I was kinda hoping this would have gone away with the removal of the mental stress surrounding the whole situation with Moonlight, but I guess I need to slow down even more on... well, everything to get my life back on track. It's pretty exhausting.

On job interview tasks and reference letter worries

What I didn't tell you guys yesterday when I was too busy writing out the whole awkward and sad affair with Moonlight was that I had an interview for a job in Japan. Yeah, I know, it was cruel of me to keep it from you faithful silent readers, but it just didn't feel like the time or place to bring it up. I was a bit too emotionally drained to be nervous, which I think worked in my favour, and the interview seemed to go pretty well. Since my university education wasn't all English, my interviewer told me that she couldn't garuantee me a visa, but that my living abroad had left enough to go on for her to be able to push for one anyways. Anything that's not a definitive 'no' is good in my book. At least this kinda shows that they want me.

Although of course it won't stop me from freaking the fuck out, because hey, I'm still my same neurotic self.

On how shit really sucks when even homeless people don't want to be you

As you guys probably guessed, the imminent rejection came. I was frustrated enough with the situation to actually feel the need to talk to Moonlight about it, asking him what was going on between us. He proceeded to call me his 'best special friend forever' (whatever the fuck that means), which is about as friendzoned as anyone could ever be. We met over horribly awkward tea where he cracked jokes as (I'm guessing) a way to try to handle how extremely horribly awkward everything was, while I ended up excusing myself and sobbing in the bathroom while it felt like my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. New low point, everybody.

On realizations

On mail order men and darling colleagues

Valentine's Day is a day that's always filled me with a sense of bitterness. Not that I believe in or want the Hollywood rom-com bullshit that surrounds the day, or even movie couples in general, but the idea of seeing happy couples all day kinda drives in the fact that my romantic life is an atomic wasteland at the moment. Or maybe not a wasteland, but mid-blitz maybe? Bombed out houses and blackouts, people hiding in subways and fires spreading uncontrollably. It's times like these when I like daydreaming about my future long-term boyfriend, or rather how this very hypothetical man would be in a perfect universe. The Best Case Scenario Man™. A feminist, preferably rather liberal, Godfrey Gao-lookalike who finds my quirky shit adorable rather than immature and weird, and gives me space but the right amount of affection when I need it and is good with potted plants. He'd dress impeccably, be tall and dashing, and have some sort of artistic streak and/or a huge book collection. Glasses are optional. Where do I place my order?

Because goddamn. Goddamn!

On playdates and fights

Today I actually slept until the alarm rang, and then managed to live through the day without feeling exhausted at every moment. Look at me, making sleep progress and stuff! Yay!

My sister-in-law had a job interview today, so I spent the morning at Junibacken with my brother's daughter. As always, it was far more fun than I anticipated. I should cut that kid some slack, we're always having an awesome time and yet I always feel apprehensive beforehand. I can't help it, most kids make me cringe. It's just this little mini-me that I like hanging around.

On sleep success and accidental stalking

Hooray, a 20% increase in sleep! I guess going from five to six hours shouldn't be cause for so much excitement, but falling asleep at a pretty acceptable time did feel really good. The pills seem to be doing their shit. Waking up still left me feeling like I was run over by a bus, but that feeling when you're falling asleep, like you're sinking into warm mud, is honestly worth most things right now. Mm, mud.

On insomnia and trying to kick its ass

I headed off to bed, feeling slow and sluggish, and lo and behold! The moment my head hit the pillow I once again couldn't sleep. Is this how it's going to be for a while? Not sleep properly for a week and then round it off with a nice big migraine to celebrate the coming of a new sleepless week? Shit. This is some Narrator/Tyler Durden Fight Club-esque shit that's going on, and it seriously sucks.

Sand told me that I should look into getting some sleeping pills to help break the nasty circle of worrying and not sleeping. I just kinda feel like I'm spiralling off into crazy land, where people subside on coffee, cigarettes and sleeping pills. It freaks me out a bit. I've never had trouble sleeping. It's one of the things I do best. Still, there I am in the middle of the night, trying to get comfortable and staring into space with my eyes wide open.

On migraines and potential big breaks

I rounded off Sunday evening with a big migraine. "At least now maybe I'll get some sleep," I thought, almost relishing the thought of just passing out and sleeping for longer than I have all week. "Fuck that," my body seemed to say, and woke up at 3 a.m. after just five hours, feeling completely unable to go back to sleep. Eventually I did, and slept another six or so hours, but I still feel dead. My back and shoulders just ache. It's a good change from not being able to sleep at all, I guess, and Mafune is covering my shift today, for which I'm eternally grateful. It's probably going to be another early night to try to catch up on the seven previous days of insomnia.

On pleasant dinner dates and unpleasant frustration

I find my relationship with Moonlight to be completely confusing. I don't ever really know where we're at. One minute it's like we're a couple, and the next, he fucking high fives me as a hello and we're nowhere even near any kind of physical contact. "But hey, he came rushing over and damn near broke your door down because he saw you crying," Pony said, but I just get the feeling he's like that with any friend. After having dated Hemingway who would hardly do anything that didn't involve climbing all over me when we were together, I end up feeling insecure and kinda rejected around someone as unwilling to admit to any kind of public display of affection as Moonlight.

"So talk to him," Pony said. "Tell him how you feel, even if it's the scariest thing in the world. It's funny how brave you are in some instances and what complete chicken shit you are in others. Move to the other side of the world? No problem. Tell someone you hang out with as boyfriend and girlfriend that you're harboring some serious feelings for them? God no." Hell, moving is nothing in comparison to the potentially emotionally crippling consequences of telling someone you're in love with them unless you're both absolutely hammered. His whole attitude is beginning to seriously piss me off though. It makes me defensive too. I don't want to get hurt, so I feel myself pulling back. It's probably not the best of tactics, but this back and forth yoyo-ing is really messing me up.

On job search worries and asshole friends

Just before going to bed last night I noticed that I'd been sending a resume where I applied for the job as 'Preschool teacher' to jobs that didn't involve preschool teaching at all. Oops. Note to self - read through your cover letter more carefully and stop applying for jobs at 2 a.m. Luckily at least some of the stuff was teaching young kids, so there's always that, and I wasn't honestly thinking I was going to score with any of the others, so I'm going to go ahead and accept that yeah, I fucked up but it wasn't that big a deal. Fuck up or not, I'll have it figured out in the end.

On weird laughs and strange men from Czechoslovakia

Today was, luckily, a better day than the past few days have been. If it hadn't, I probably would have called in sick and just given up on the world for the day. I was still feeling a bit shaken from yesterday and hadn't slept very well, but I felt like it was my duty to suck it up and put a smile on my face for the day. It felt a little insincere at first, but later ended up coming pretty naturally, even though I kept feeling like my laugh was a little bit too high, or a bit too loud, or dragged on for a bit longer than felt natural. Something was off, I guess. Then again, I guess it's true what they say when they say 'fake it till you make it'. I did end up feeling better than I've done this week, so that's always a plus.

On even shittier days

I need to quit my job. This became painfully clear to me after a fight with Pony, during which time we both figured out that we were angry at the other for never being able to see each other, and it ended in me bawling on the stairs across from the store for like half an hour. My energy levels are totally depleted. There's just nothing left. I felt like shit around Christmas, and then so much better after my time off, but now I'm right back to where I was before and I feel so unhappy. I obviously don't want to be unemployed, but I just can't deal with this anymore. I need to get some sanity back into my life.

On shit days

You know when you can't sleep until really late, and then the rest of the day passes in a kind of haze? And then everything that happens is tinged with this hint of sadness that doesn't really have a reason to be there other than to fuck with your general well-being? Maybe that's just me.

On never-ending weekends and awesome parties

This weekend felt extremely long for some reason. Not in a bad way, just kinda eternal. Never-ending.

On administrative disasters and death

Man, job hunting ain't easy. I received a crazy four page application thingie for one of the jobs I applied for. I was almost a little surprised that they didn't ask for my star sign or blood type or favorite breakfast cereal. Talk about being thorough. They required two letters of reference though, at least one from an employer, and that makes me a little bit nervous. I can probably get a letter of recommendation from one of my teachers, but asking Karate Husband to write me something is just about the scariest thing ever. Maybe I should ask his wife? She's the one in charge of the staff after all, and she likes me. Not that she ever called me 'little fishie', but she's always really kind to me, so I guess I've got that going for me anyway. Strangely the rest of the staff don't seem to like her all that much. It would seem that the staff and I have pretty different ideas of our bosses in general. Probably because they've all worked there for far longer than I have. Ah well. As long as I get my reference it's all good.

Sorry Karate Husband, the little fishie needs a bigger bowl.