On rainy day bread-baking

I went out to meet Knives Chau today, and walking to the subway all I could think was "Fuck, it's hot out." I felt kinda gross by the time I reached the subway, and was cursing summer and all that it entails. "You don't like my heat?" the weather said. "Well fuck you. See how you like this!" and proceeded to rain an icy cold rain the rest of the afternoon and evening.

Knives and I took refuge at Cafe String and spent the next four hours talking about everything and anything, watching the rain, eating chocolate cake and drinking chai. We decided to go buy some wine and go to her place, where Knives baked an absolutely delicious bread with dates and cranberries which we ate with peanut butter and apple chutney while discussing life, relationships and all those messy things, sharing stuff and generally confiding while listening to really chill music and planning how she's going to furnish her apartment. Before I knew it, it was the middle of the night and we'd managed to split the whole bottle between us, but we had a really great time. One of those really nice days, despite the shitty weather.

On spirit animals and complexity

Does the fact that my facebook news feed is starting to get clogged up with wedding and/or baby posts mean that I'm starting to become a legit adult? Or old even? I feel old. Or rather, I feel like everyone else is a responsible and well-adjusted adult, and I'm the only one who's still mentally 12 years old. Forever.




The more I watch Jenna Marbles, the more I feel like she's my spirit animal or something.

On hair woes

I've been having some serious hair issues lately, both due to being broke and being totally unable to make my mind up. I'm at a loss about everything - colour, style, length... and whenever I think I've made my mind up, I end up changing it again the next day. Everyone tells me different things. Guy friends and Hemingway think I should let it grow longer. Girl friends think I should cut it short again (which is funny, since short hair apparently made me super-hot to every single lesbian I know). When I mentioned I was thinking of getting a bob haircut to my dad, he scoffed and went "That hairstyle's way too boring to suit you", following up by telling me how great the short hair was and how I looked "like a presenter on TV", which is the cutest dated compliment I've ever received. Mom voted for slightly outdated hair options but ended up going "Well, you have similar features, so get whatever looks good on her" when I showed her pictures of Agyness Deyn's short hair.

Because who doesn't want to look that awesome?

Agyness Deyn would look good in anything though, but thanks for the compliment, mom!

On awkward parties and overly attached cats

The get-together at Sand's place last night was fun, albeit weird. I felt like showing up with the good thing to do, as it made Sand really happy, and also Knives Chau was there. I haven't seen her since school ended, but she's been kinda in the same state as I have, so I don't think any of us have really had the energy or willpower to do that much at all. It was so nice seeing her though, I'd really missed her. O and his boyfriend showed up for a bit, but left pretty quick, probably because O's gastritis was acting up again. Then Knives and her boyfriend disappeared out on the balcony to have a serious talk for at least an hour, which made everyone feel really weird. We all know Knives' boyfriend, he went to school with us too, so why he'd have such a hard time just being a nice guy for a few hours and not bring personal problems out into the open I don't know. None of them seemed too happy after their talk, and I felt kinda sorry for Sand who had wanted to go out. Things just fell kinda flat.

On gender representation and photography

When I went to my brother's place, I spent the first few hours hanging out at the beach with him and his family, along with another family who were the parents of my niece's friend from daycare. Now the kid and the dad were nice enough, but the mom, oh god. The amount of sexism that came from that woman's mouth was just amazing. "He's climbing so much! He's such a typical boy." (and just regular stupidity too. "Yeah, good luck getting him to listen, he's a Capricorn." No, you're a shitty parent.) Hanging around with my brother and his wife, who naturally raise their girl as a child, rather than a stereotypical gender representation. Even when she was an infant and people would ask "What is it?" (as in "Is it a boy or a girl?") they'd typically answer "It's a human child", which I've gotta say is the best way of dealing with stuff like that that I know of. Anyway, I was sitting there at the beach trying really hard to not let my jaw drop at some of the things this mom would say, and not opening my mouth for fear that rude things might come out of it. I really can't stand when people don't think about the example they're setting through attitude though. It upsets me.

On teen-like adults and dodging friends

 
I feel weird about adults who over-share their relationships on facebook. It's one thing if you're a teen - teens are pretty much required to be obnoxious, but if you're in your 40s and you're still going on every single day about how much you love your husband or how happy you are, I'm beginning to think you're overcompensating. Not everyone wants to see your cutesy messages to each other or hear the stories about how you fell madly in love. I don't want to have to go through the trouble of blocking you, setting the news feed settings to 'Only Important' should allow me to escape the sickening lovey-dovey crap, so stop updating about it five times a day. You post too much.

While on the subject of stuff that pisses me off - WordPad. TEFL insists on sending their shit in that format, and it doesn't autosave, so there's no way to restore it when my relic-of-a-computer overheats and shuts down. I just lost a whole bunch of work that I'd done yesterday and today over that. I mean, even OpenOffice stuff can recover documents, and that stuff's free. Yes, I should know from school that there's no better thing in the world than saving your work every now and again, but it's human to forget. This just happens a bit too often to not get really fucking raging about it. Fuck. Anyways, I guess there's not much to do about it other than start over, but that's not going to stop me from whining and complaining for a bit.

On supportive cats

Last night I had a pretty rough time. I was home by myself, just me and the cat, and I just felt so lonely in the most profound sense. I'd talked to my parents about stuff in general, gotten some encouragement and then everything just broke open and I felt terrible. Even though I've come a lot further since graduating, and I'm not as bad as I was then, I still feel drained and unhappy about it, and I know it'll take time to get back to the way I was. My dad figures I burned myself out in school, and I think him and mom are kinda worried, so they want me to spend some time at their place next week. At this point I feel that it's probably a good idea, all this worrying about everything is making me so weary.

Tara was great though, and I felt bad for having trash-talked her as a pet earlier. She spent most of the evening lying behind my head on the sofa, sticking her face in mine and purring loudly to cheer me up, and I was struck by the sense of gratitude you can feel towards an animal who's so in tune with you emotionally that they stick to you when you need them to. I really appreciate her company.

On apartment shame and cat-moving

The guy who's been letting Hemingway use his apartment wants to have a talk with him tomorrow about stuff. I have a sinking feeling that this stuff might be regarding some small burns that might've been the result of pans that were a little too hot for the wooden counter top, and I feel absolutely terrible. His mentioning it also made me remember that I actually have some stuff that I'd forgotten there, and the second-hand embarrassment is enough to make me want to go over there tomorrow and take it all back home. Whenever something gets broken or a bit messed up on my watch, I always feel that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I just want to curl into a ball and disappear somewhere going "Sorry sorry sorry sorry", avoiding the person that's been wronged for all eternity, hoping that everything will be forgotten and never mentioned ever again.

There are no words that fill me with more dread than "We need to talk."

On party dissing and gaming joys

Sand is always on me about going out. "You need to get out! You need to see people and not just stay cooped up at home!", and her idea of not being cooped up is going out. Consistently. I don't mind going out sometimes, but the only times I really genuinly enjoy it is when I'm at K-pop parties with Pony. Last night I figured I'd be a decent person and go with Sand and a few of her friends to some outdoor party not too far from my old school. O was going to come too, but he ended up not feeling well and went home. I asked when they were going to show up, got a reply, answered that I wasn't staying long because I had a cat to look after, and went to wait for Sand and the others. And I waited and waited and waited. Finally I texted Sand wondering what the hell was up, and she answered (without a fucking sorry or anything) "We're still at home, I thought you weren't coming." Yeah, because that's why I asked when you were arriving, and told you I'd be there at all. I was seriously pissed off.

Annoyed monkey is annoyed.

Lately Sand and I don't seem to be communicating very well. She doesn't understand my being an introvert, and I don't understand why going out or doing something as opposed to just coexisting has to happen. It's kinda sad. I really like Sand, it would be nice if we could see eye to eye on stuff.

On watching Project Runway obsessively, S12E1

It's only been like 2½ months, and I know I said I'd be angrily refusing to watch it, but like a beaten spouse I'm back again. Project Runway, you may be terribly gimmicky and stuff, but I've gotta hand it to you - you know your target audience will never abandon you. Although to Project Runway's defense, I've gotta say that the changes implemented don't seem half-bad. Having the judges actually be able to look at the clothes up close, as well as Tim Gunn sticking around during judging is pretty neat. O had come over to hang out for a bit, and we roped him into watching too, which ended up being really nice.

Anywho, they started off with a relatively conventional unconventional challenge, making something out of the fabrics from parachutes, and while that's fine in and of itself, it's always boring when there's real fabric involved in the unconventional rather than proper unconventional things. That being said, people did make some pretty neat stuff, but there were also several "the fuck?" moments, and plenty of people I just wanted to punch in the face. There are also no cute Asians in this season, so that's a bit disappointing, but I'll try to live with it. Zac Posen is still there, to Pony's great joy ("He looks like such a well-dressed and handsome dandy until he opens his mouth in that cooky smile with all those crooked teeth and it's just so cute!"), and he seems to have decided to really take an active part in critiques and not just be nice like he was the entire first half of last season, so that's always cool. I kinda like him, he seems rational as opposed to pretty much every other judge up there (apart from Tim Gunn of course. Tim Gunn can do no wrong).

On cats and distance

I've gotten myself a sidekick for the next two weeks - my friend's cat Tara. I'm staying at my friend's apartment for the time being, although I hope that I'll get the OK to bring her back to mine instead sometime soon. Then again, I need the acceptance of Pony and G first, seeing as when Tara was at our place last summer she ate the plants and scratched at the doors to come into peoples' rooms at night, annoying them. I sleep way too deep for any of that to bother me, but I can relate to it being a bit of a problem, especially since G is babying his chili plants on the balcony. Tara is currently pissed off at me for not being her owner, and is wandering around yowling at me, but she knows me from before and I have no doubt we'll be fuzzy friends again soon.

On ghosts and other indoor activities

Holy crap, English grammar bores me to death. It doesn't really help either that my computer crashed and that the work I did yesterday went lost because Rich Text is a little bitch that won't recover documents. I need to get that stuff done today, and get my shit together.

I'm not a big fan of heat, and I kinda think it's way too warm outside now, but somehow I don't think that makes up for my not having been outside for days. There's just nothing I want to do outside, and no money to do it with, so I hide away in here and it feels awkward. I should be out enjoying my youth, but instead I'm inside enjoying youtube. It almost feels a little amoral, like Sweden only has a good few weeks of summer a year, and that I should be outside, making memories and all that crap.

On outdated words and job hunting

Matt from TEFL as I imagine him.

I received my first reply from my TEFL teacher today, who called the responses I'd given to my worksheet 'pertinent and interesting', and that he was 'very impressed', which makes me feel pretty bad-ass. Also, I love the word 'pertinent' for being such a Jane Austen word, I've never heard anyone use it outside of her books. Well, not everyone can boast having a tutor from Regency times, so I guess I should feel pretty cool about that. The course so far is pretty interesting, and it seems serious too. When I started I was a little bit apprehensive about how good an online internet course could be in terms of teaching me to be a teacher and just figured I'd get the certificate and then... I don't know, wing it, but the more I come in contact with it I feel pretty confident that it's going to give me a good platform to stand on. I try to be thoughtful of what it's like to learn a new language and how scary it is to try to use it, to be able to help out and actually be of use to anyone. It makes me think of when my brother was learning French in school in Canada: "If I have to learn this shitty language, I might as well learn it properly." If you do things properly, you won't have to worry in the long run.

On really depressing pool parties

Junsu, darling, darling, darling. Your voice is amazing, but you need to a) fire your stylist, and b) fire the people in charge of your new video. Fire your shitty rapper while you're at it.

Why do you look so amazingly out of place at this American beach party worthy of being part of some Abercrombie & Fitch/Hollister ad campaign, when that's so never been your selling point before (and we know that your English is adorably terrible)? Why are you with some hipster chick hanging around taking pictures of you with an old school Hasselblad camera?

We both know you're just carrying that around for show, honey.

On hills and haircuts

Oh my god, sometimes Hemingway just cracks me up so bad. He sends me a group shot of him and some friends, and I notice that he's had a haircut, so I point it out. "What! How did you know?! I wanted it to be a surprise!" He's a cute little panda, but sometimes I'm just left going "Uhm... what?"

On conflicts and collapses

"Why are you reading all the time?" mom asked me today (approximately 20 seconds after she'd finished filling out a form, during which time she'd forbidden me from talking). "You're always reading, either on your phone or on something else." I don't think I've ever heard anyone else's parents ever complain about reading. I just... I just don't get her sometimes.

On parental worries

Staying with my parents is pretty OK for a while, but in the long run, it's much harder than just me taking care of myself, like I'm used to. Today my mom interrogated me on what my plans for Japan were, questioning pretty much every aspect of my going, asking whether or not I'd be able to even get a job in architecture if I was gone for so long from school. "How will you afford it?" "Are you sure you can do the work?" "What, you're just going to give up on your career?" "I thought you were going to look for architecture related jobs." "How will you even find someplace to live?" Yes, I'm the baby of the family, so obviously me relocating to the other side of the globe is causing some concern, but it would be really nice if she could treat me like the 24 year old adult I actually am and not like I'm still eight. I've thought of all her problems, and I was able to address every concern she had, but it just makes me feel like she thinks I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I'm going to end up fucking something up. It's all out of love, but I like to think that I've got this.

On crime and crime solving

Sorry for the lack of updating yesterday, I took a spontaneous last-minute trip to my parents' house to get spoiled rotten and fed proper food. It's been a restful couple of days, even though I'm constantly freezing at their place, rain or shine. I can't say I've done much, apart from hanging out in their garden and thought of life-altering decisions, such as how I'll cut my hair the next time I go to the hairdressers. It's a hard-knock life.

The one thing I don't really get, is how my parents don't really get Sherlock. I mean, how can you not like Sherlock? Or the Benedict Cumberbatch version of Sherlock? He's just awesome, seriously awesome.

Who needs to understand when he's wearing that shirt?

 Before going, I noticed that my mom's lack of emoticons in her messages make me think she's pissed off at me constantly. It feels ridiculous. When did we lose the ability to identify feelings without emoji?

ヾ(。￣□￣)ﾂ

On language exchange turned dating service

I decided to jump on the Korean pen pal train with Pony, and so far it's proving pretty entertaining. Everything from people advertising that they want foreign friends in Korean, people desperate to find someone to date (clearly telling everyone how single they are on their presentations), and photoshopped pictures.

Because nothing says "Write to me!" like a pair of photoshopped hipster glasses.

On really awesome weekends

This is totally unrelated to everything else, and may just be all the Community I've been watching lately, but is it wrong to feel a little bit in love with Señor Chang/Ken Jeong?



Moving on, I can really feel my energy levels taking a turn for the better, and it feels really good. I want to get involved, have projects going and be productive, which I haven't really had the energy to do for ages. Even my room's clean, and that in and of itself is like a damn miracle. I'm even feeling a bit social too, so I invited The Puppy over to play The Last Of Us, which was completely off the hook. Seriously you guys, the attention to detail was fantastic. Every single building we entered was uniquely designed, and the in-game graphics were amazing. The game play in and of itself was pretty damn good too, so pick up a copy, people. Pony, The Puppy and I sat up drinking whiskey and playing until 3 am, being both enraptured with all the pretty of the game, and freaking the fuck out over scary zombies. To me, that's a hallmark of a good game - one you really don't want to stop playing. Like ever.

On staying in and buddying up

O called me today to ask if I had anything planned and wanted to hang out. Initially I was skeptical about picking up the phone, because I've been avoiding people from school for a while, due to being sick of everything that has anything to do with school. Then I decided that I don't want to isolate myself from O, no matter how much I don't feel like hanging out with anyone, so we decided he'd come over and watch a movie.

On migrating pandas and packages

Today Hemingway left for Hong kong, and won't be back for a month. This means a month of being able to sleep in (assuming I don't magically land myself a job) without getting woken up by a certain someone tickling my feet, continuously prodding me going "Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby.", or (like he did this morning) flicking my teeth with his finger. I feel bad for biting him in my semi-unconscious state though, that was mean, but seriously, I love sleep. Sleep and I have a deep and meaningful relationship.

Although there's just no way I can be upset at someone who wakes me up by painting my toenails orange.

On porno friendship

I've been spending so much time with Hemingway at his place that I haven't had as much girl time with Pony as we've both grown accustomed to. We both miss it, and this morning we had a breakfast-in-front-of-Community thing going on, which was a lot of fun. Later, we drifted into k-pop territory (as these things tend to do), which of course means good-looking men territory, and boy, were they good-looking yesterday. From discussing Jaejoong's performance in Jackal Is Coming, things turned near pornographic when we found... *cough* appreciation blogs for Junsu's butt. There are just so many porn-like pictures out there, oh my god. By the time we'd been sitting there for an hour or so, Pony and I had turned into The Pervy K-pop Appreciation Society, temporarily renaming our friendship a porno friendship. We settled on a new favourite tumblr with the funniest, most inappropriate comments ever. The pictures in and of themselves were pretty damn inappropriate as well, but hell, that's how we like 'em.

Pictured: Pony and I, spellbound.

I figured some of you might be as interested in amazingly hot guys as Pony and I are, so I'm giving you guys a Wednesday present of some manly k-pop goodness. No need to thank me, I consider this public service.

On mystery books and lolita bitchery

I found a mystery book at the bus stop today, a Swedish translation of Robert Specht's The Soul of Betty Fairchild. Just from paging through it and seeing that it's about a girl who gets possessed by the spirit of a murdered 1960's girl tells me it might be interesting. I'll see if I get tired of reading Jane Austen and dreaming of really classic gothic lolita dresses in my favourite shades of grey.

On being popular with family

I left Stockholm Friday afternoon with Hemingway, going with my brother and his family to see my parents and help them out with removing some trees from their yard. I rather conveniently managed to sprain my ankle, so I was stuck fixing food and coffee for the others while poor Hemingway slaved away with my family. I think he's so far collected massive family points, both from this and from handling my very talkative American uncle at Baby Bighead's baptism. It's nice when your family likes the people you like too.

I was also very cordially invited by my niece, aged almost four, to come to their house and watch Tonari no Totoro together with her. I've gotta say that I'm rather pleased to have started and encouraged the anime trend that my nieces and nephews are in the middle of right now. I'd pick Totoro or Ponyo as appropriate characters over Barbie any day. I like being invited to my brother's house anyways. He's almost 11 years older than I am, and was one of my greatest heroes when I was small, so it's nice to have a kind of grown-up confirmation that yes, I'm cool enough to be around now. Feels good.

A pretty accurate picture of my niece and I.