On looking back and looking forwards

A few days ago I came across a blog called Sad YouTube, where someone's been going through the comment sections of YouTube videos to find real expressions of nostalgia, sadness and longing for others. It's kinda depressing reading, but as those of you who know me IRL know: I love depressing shit. Anyways, a lot of the comments tend to revolve around people that the people leaving the comments have only met briefly, yet they changed their lives, or at least are reminded of these encounters when listening to a specific song, and it makes me wonder if there's anyone out there in the world who thinks of me that way. Like say there's a song on the radio that they know, and they go "Oh hey, remember that girl?" or just sit in silence letting the waves of memories wash over them. Even if it's something completely insignificant, I'd like to be remembered like that by someone. It would be like staying immortal, if only for a while. You live on in a quiet corner of someone else's consciousness, only surfacing every once in a while, bringing with you an air of... Happiness? Nostalgia? Regret? Does it even matter?

I worry so much about Japan. It scares me to go, while at the same time I know it's something that will be great, once I get out there. I think it's just getting to me that it's something I'll need to actually make sure happens by myself. I can't rely on anyone doing it for me. I think that's one of the scariest things about being an adult: no safety nets. I mean, sure, if I fuck up really bad my parents probably will be able to swoop in still, but I'm supposed to be going at this alone. I'm supposed to be able to do it even if I'm scared. Man, being a grown-up isn't nearly as awesome as some people would lead you to believe.

Meanwhile I'm going through more trouble trying to get Moonlight a Swedish student visa and a spot at a school or university here than I did trying to get myself into Architecture school. I kinda like the feeling of being a personal secretary in a way. I'm pretty good at it. The flip side is that I'm really not interested in taking responsibility for that too. I can translate some pages and reword some emails, and I'm going with him for moral support/translation if he's going to check out any schools, but I don't know if it's escapism from my part. I don't want to delve into my own messiness, so I'm taking someone else's messiness and trying to untangle it for them. It's always easier with a bit of distance. It's like doing dishes - doing your own dishes at your house sucks, but somehow doing dishes at someone else's house isn't nearly as shitty. You also get the added bonus of being able to pat yourself on the back and feel like you did something good for someone.

Tell it like it is, Jake.