On cover letter conundrums

Applying for jobs in a country on the other side of the globe is nothing short of terrifying. Fun, yes, obviously, but still possibly the scariest thing I've ever gone for. By one unsuspecting click I could change my future. Man, I need a professional-looking photo for my resume. I need a haircut. I need to breathe deep and try to tell myself that I'm adult enough to do this.

Just the process of trying to write a cover letter that doesn't sound like I'm trying too hard, or too little, is pretty nerve-wracking. It's hard to in a convincing way explain why I'd rather teach than do architecture in just a few sentences. Going "I had an emotional breakdown due to stress" doesn't really strike me as something employers are all that attracted to. The position I'm applying for right now is a two year contract, which scares me a little as well. It feels so much more definite than just the one year contract, but I figured what the hell. I doubt I'll get the very first job I apply for, and it will be good practice just to get over the hump to actually getting more applications going. If I by some freak accident get offered the job, I don't have to take it either if I don't want to. I guess I can just keep telling myself that until I stop freaking out about the possibility alone.

Oh my god, CHOICES!

I figured I'd just start. Just getting anything sent off at this point is a huge start. It's such a definite break that it makes me feel saddened. My existence as I know it is about to change pretty dramatically, but it has to happen sooner or later. Things can't stay in this carefree way, no matter how much I wish they could. It's just the thought of everything I love so dearly that I'll be leaving behind that really gets to me. Obviously it won't disappear forever, but it will change, and as someone with an intense desire to control everything in my life, I don't like unauthorized change. I wish I could just take everything that means a damn with me. I'm scared to the point of shaking. I really am. But here I am, taking small but very deliberate steps because it matters, and that's probably why it hurts too.

Once I told a friend of mine that I wanted to leave Stockholm as soon as possible, because I was afraid that I'd get stuck here, possibly getting involved with someone or something and then not having the guts to leave. I remember that he just kinda chuckled, going "Dude, I don't think there's anything in this world you can love more than that country. You're like... transnational. Kinda like transgendered, but with countries. You're wrongly trapped in a European body." I don't know if I'm as comforted by that now as I was then, but I guess I can find some sort of comfort in the fact that I seem to be the only one questioning my ability to do this. Everyone else is already onboard with the idea that this is all going to work out in awesome ways. I guess it's time to jump on the bandwagon.