On normally nice people being the worst kinds of bitches

I can be a bit of a bitchy person. Sometimes I get angry about stuff that's not really worth getting upset about. I guess it's normal; after all, everyone has flaws. My temper isn't the worst in my family by far, but it can still flare up. Not so much in a confrontational way, but far more often in a passive aggressive kind of setting. Sometimes it's completely righteous though, and not just empty bitchery. The anger I felt towards Mafune tonight was totally in the 'righteous fury' category.

On work crankiness and heavenly food

All I can really say about this week is: get ready for the cranky updates about how much I have to work. I feel like I got totally cheated this week, and that's not exactly something that puts me in a happy place, mentally.

On a distinct lack of Christmas spirit and planning responsibilities

I don't know if it's been the absolutely cheerless weather that's been going on recently, but I've been feeling particularly Grinch-y this holiday season. The Christmas spirit just hasn't been there. Even meeting my family yesterday for more Christmas food and holiday cheer was on par with a regular family gathering - nothing all that special. I was feeling like I would much rather have stayed at home with some chips and a pizza rather than hang around my loud nieces and nephiews. They always give me rather nasty headaches with their squealy child voices. Does that make me a bad person? Being able to go home and have a lazy day before work with G feels so much more pleasant to me. Silence, I've missed you.

On long hiatuses and new resolve

Well that turned into a longer hiatus than expected, but I guess that's okay - it's the Christmas holidays after all. Can't be on top of my game all the time. I've had a good excuse to not be as well, with T hanging around. Getting over the initial Kiruna disappointment was fairly easy - we had a great time touring the southern parts of the country, spending time with both Pony's family and my own. This whole trip, and spending time with my friend has really renewed my resolve to finally get the Japan show on the road. I've given myself until June. Six months to get my shit together. Even someone as unreliable as myself should be able to figure that out.

On holiday times

Merry Christmas, silent readers! Just dropping in real quick to wish you all food-filled holidays with relatives that drive you crazy, because that's what Christmas is about. Much love, see you when the postprandial somnolence wears off.

On things turning out better than expected

It's almost midnight now, and I'm camped out on my couch listening to the sounds of T sleeping deeply in my room. It feels kinda surreal. A year and a half of existing through a screen, and suddenly he's here in the flesh, and it's not even awkward. I'm the queen of awkward otherwise. It's kinda my thing. Yet here we are, chattering away in Japanese in front of totally clueless roommates, and I'm really happy he came. The slight apprehension I had going on about this week to come is draining away, which feels good, all in all. Any week of work is enough to feel magical, I guess, but having a friend over and realizing that you're just as good friends off the internet as you are on it makes it feel even better.

On bad sleeping

I slept like absolute shit last night, and tonight O and I and some other people are heading out to see Margaret Cho, and I hope I don't get cranky or fall asleep or something. I'm taking a lazy blogger's day off, but I'll be back to posting all my irrational worries tomorrow for sure. Until then, here's a taste of what I'll be seeing tonight. It's going to be awesome.

On real people turned imaginary friends

I've been really nervous about T coming over on Friday. The fact that it's now, this very Friday has me all freaked out. It's not like it's the first time ever I'm seeing him, but it is the first time in two years, and last time we saw each other it wasn't like I'd booked my trip to Japan specifically to see him. Now I feel responsible for his general happiness when he's here, which means that I feel even more bummed out about the whole going north to Kiruna thing, as well as the fact that there's not a single patch of snow out there. The past three or four years have been overflowing with snow and cold weather at this point in December, so why the hell not this year?

I wanted T to see this. If he wanted to see rain, he could have stayed in Kawagoe.

Feeling personally responsible for the weather is probably a bit on the fucked-up side of things though. I should probably try to be a bit less of a control freak.

On Monday madness

Despite it being Monday and probably not as busy as I imagined it was, I felt totally overwhelmed at work. I suddenly remembered that I needed desperately to score Wednesday off so that I can go to the Margaret Cho gig with O and some other friends, and I was freaking out because of who to ask to fill my shift. For no apparent reason I'd made up my mind that the Swedish sisters that work most weekends probably hate me and wouldn't take my shift even if I asked them. I felt terrible for not having spoken to T in a few days, since he's probably equally nervous about coming here on Friday, and I was coming down hard on myself for not being able to meet T at the airport like I promised, since he lands at 7.30 p.m. and chances are I'll probably have to stay until 8 p.m. at work to help Mafune out (whom I was also sure hated me since she let me off an hour early on Friday and took a whole bunch of my shifts for when T's here. Yeah, reading that back it doesn't make any sense to me either). T coming over at all kinda freaks me out, as we haven't seen each other in a year and a half. Lots of people came in to eat at the same time, and I constantly felt a little behind in everything I did. Mafune was there with Karate Son, giving tips and feedback on a video project he'd made, making my brain snap and finally go over the deep end. "Oh my god, I'll never be as cool as Mafune, she's like his big sister and here I am as some loner weeaboo that they sometimes talk to out of pity and oh-my-god-I-feel-like-I'm-going-to-throw-up-why-the-hell-am-I-going-to-Japan-I'll-be-so-alone-help!"

Accurate representation of my brain at the time.

On happy times

Sleeping in until 2 p.m. after a night of walks, talks and a bit more beer drinking than I was initially anticipating was absolutely glorious. Even more so when the act of sleeping in was done with something warm and soft that said "No, no, no, where are you going?" sleepily when I tried sneaking up to go to the bathroom.

I know it hasn't been long at all, but I feel like I'm falling.

On modern day concentration camps and North Korea

Continuing on the theme of slightly depressing and cheerless things that's been going on for the past few days, I spent the morning reading about North Korea and watching Camp 14, the movie about Shin Donghyuk, the man who was born in a North Korean forced labour camp and is the only one to have known to have escaped and survived to tell the world about it.

On money grabbing and time management

I got tipped by two Korean guys today, and that was even after I'd mistakenly given them warm sake instead of cold (although to be fair, I did make it on the house) and had to apologize to them for being out of the beer they wanted. The more silent of the two pulled out a twenty, put it on the little saucer we use to present bills, and went "This is for you". Is there a dignified way to take money like that? Because I always feel like it looks like I'm scrambling a little too quickly and grabbing wildly at the money when it shows up. It's probably nothing anyone has ever noticed, but striking that balance that makes you look poised yet grateful, instead of poor and/or greedy is one of those things I probably spend way too much time thinking about.

On creepy kids and internal philosophical debates

I love ghost stories, especially in the fall and winter when it gets really dark and spooky out. Whenever the days start getting shorter, my interest in the macabre grows. Horror movies, documentaries on serial killers, ghost encounter stories... they're all great when you're huddled up in your duvet and the wind is howling outside of your window. Freaky shit in general makes me happy. I don't scare easily, so that feeling of apprehension that settles in your stomach when you've just read something that gives you chills is amazing. I spent a lot of time last night and tonight reading the reddit thread titled 'What is the most disturbing thing your kid has said when talking about their 'imaginary friend'?', and man, kids are scary motherfuckers.

On brain exercise and wishing for snow

"No tip, you say?"

Today a customer (and former student of Karate Husband's) at work asked me if I was Karate Husband's daughter. I don't really know what to do with that assumption. I have dark hair and dark eyes, and I speak Japanese, but apart from that I don't think I look even remotely Japanese. I don't think I'd even pass for half-Japanese on a good day. Also I don't know if I want to resemble Karate Husband, even if I kinda like him. Then again, I guess there are worse things that people can assume about me than me being the daughter of a well-respected karate legend.

On grades and time-wasting

Yesterday was one of those extremely shitty days where you do nothing at all. I was bored as absolute fuck, lying in bed all day thinking "I might as well be at work. At least then I'd have something to do". When I start daydreaming about work when I have time off, that means that I'm pretty seriously bored. There's only so many episodes of Breaking Bad you can watch in a row without life beginning to feel utterly pointless. I mean, it's a great show and all, but christ, there should be more to life than that.

On Christmas woes and knitting nirvana

Christmas presents are hard. The whole consumer hysterics is pretty tiring, and I for one have way too much stuff. I try to get rid of stuff and keep my possessions to a minimum (except for books, because books are the best thing on the planet), so I don't want to give people a bunch of shit they don't need. Thus, gift-giving seasons are hard. I want to give practical things without being boring, things that people won't go "Heyyy... thanks." and then hide away at the back of some cupboard and never speak of again.

On giving emotions some breathing space

Man, taking responsibility for your emotions is pretty hard, but ultimately very rewarding. Lately I've been sorting through my messy personal life, instead of just hiding when things become shitty or awkward, and it's really proved to beneficial. I've even had the guts to do some stuff I probably wouldn't have had the guts to do before. Today, for instance, I found out that Norimaki-san was being moved to the other restaurant starting next week, so I wouldn't get to see her anymore. This came after a really funny and engaging conversation in the locker room, and I just felt devastated to lose her even though I'd only just gotten to know her, so (with a slightly quivering voice) I asked her before she left if she'd like to go out and have a beer with me sometime, since we wouldn't be able to see each other for a while, as I'm off work tomorrow. She responded with great enthusiasm and thanked me for asking her, scurrying off to procure a pen and wrote her phone number on a piece of paper for me, telling me to text her and she'd let me know when she'd gotten her schedule. I felt so proud of myself for taking that (probably not scary for most people, but kinda scary for me!) step to making a new Japanese friend, as well as a coworker friend. An older female coworker friend, who I'm not directly related to. I've never had one of those. I'm pretty psyched about it.

On bonds and brothers

I miss Sand. Yesterday we were both sick of everything going on in our different messy lives, and started daydreaming about being in the same place, calling in sick, buying a shit-load of candy and chips and staying in, watching series and movies all night. It sounded absolutely glorious, but obviously there was no way that could happen, not to mention that the only flight from Porto to Stockholm that day was 19 500 SEK. Eek! We'll have to wait until Sand comes back for Christmas, but at least then we'll be able to be truly lazy together.

On issues of the heart

"I'm constantly in awe of your utter lack of any self preservation instinct," Pony laughed at me as I was half-heartedly tried to defend my recent string of probably less than stellar decisions I've made about various things om the past few weeks. She's right though, I am bad at making decisions that will be good for me, especially when looking at the long-term effects. I always argue that as long as I'm happy and having fun, it can't be that bad, but I don't know. Maybe I'd be happier if I were less reckless with my heart, not to mention the heart of others.

On therapy and computer issues

Friday could possibly have been the best night out in... I don't know, ever I guess? Pony and I had so much fun, both sporting a hangover yesterday to prove it. Seriously, I was dizzy, light sensitive and exhausted, and yet really happy. I guess it's really true how when you do good things, life rewards you with some sweet deals, like new friends and having VIXX on your brain all day.

I think some people would find it weird to hear me go around singing "I need therapy, lalalalala therapy", but hell, at least it's catchy.