On apprehension and excitement

Hemingway's coming back today, and as expected I'm nervous as absolute fuck. It's been close to two months since I last saw him, during which time I'm guessing he changed a bit into an abstract concept in my head. Like this new relationship state was just something that happened where I lived in complete celibacy waiting for the return of someone I know I care a lot for, but I'm not really sure how well I know or how much I know about. A bit like a monk or something I guess. Thing is, when all this elastic time snaps back and stops being tangible, and everything becomes concrete, I begin to panic a little. What if we don't like each other anymore? What if, somehow, I've been horribly mistaken and nothing turns out to be what I thought it was? What if the sky comes crashing down on my head when I'm waiting for him at the station?

Not completely correct, but you know.

On pollen being a bitch

Here it comes. Here comes the pollen season, full force. My throat's soar, I'm sniffling and sneezing and goddamn it, I just want it to stop! Goddamn tree cum.



Pony told me to go out on the streets and yell "Stop cuming in my face, you bitcheeeeees!". Somehow I'm not entirely sure of how effective that would be. Maybe worth a try?

On doppelgangers and posing with cats

Today's been the third day in this week of days-that-turned-out-kinda-shit. It's been the better of these shitty three days, but I'm still exhausted and seriously craving some time off at this point. No can do, there's architecture to create.

Pictured: Me and every other student I know.

On the universal language of fashion - Project Runway Korea S1E10

Sometimes I hate my own ability to procrastinate. When things aren't seriously urgent, most of the time I'll be happy to just lean back and do fuck all. Of course, that comes back to bite me in the ass most of the time, like today, when despite a seriously shitty mood I have to stick around school to finish up my construction assignment. Could've done it yesterday, but nooo. So now I'm here, taking a break, angrily eating pears, cursing my own laziness. Can't wait to graduate. I'm so sick of all this shit.

 In other news Hemingway's return trip magically changed dates again, which although it was only 24 hours, just annoyed the absolute hell out of me. Not just for it constantly getting moved back, but because I never fucking know. Can't plan a damn thing. So now I'm listening to energetic k-pop and trying to motivate myself to just power through, but the weather's wonderful and I feel like I'm a sweatshop worker chained to this stupid computer and AutoCAD. I just don't have the time, patience or energy to deal with stuff outside of school right now. Or inside, come to think of it.

On watching Project Runway obsessively, S11E13

Ohh you guys, I had such a shit day today. I mean, technically it could've been a lot worse, but I was just tired and whiny and nothing really seemed to work out. Sat around with a friend of mine talking about how we feel totally fucked over by the school, as it's probably the worst run institution in probably the entire country, and then just stuff. So much stuff. I haven't done nearly enough on my construction assignment that needs to be in Wednesday, because I'm a lazy asshole. I just can't get around to doing it unless it's totally last minute. Guess that's what happens when you're three weeks from graduation - you kinda just die a little inside when it comes to any and all forms of work.

Had my thesis opposition today, which went pretty well considering the amount of time I put into writing my thesis (i.e. not nearly enough), but there were some good conversations to be had about it. The thesis presentation before mine was kinda on the same subject, only written by a girl who had no idea what the hell she was talking about, so I was probably looking really annoyed and impatient, because O scribbled "BREATHE" on his notes for me. I don't want to be a bitchy know-it-all about Japan and Japanese architecture, but I know probably more than most who wrote about it, not to mention things like pronunciation. "It's not Saitama, it's Saitama, you illiterate asshole" my brain wants to yell at these people (O being the only person polite enough to actually check that he was pronouncing things correctly). But hell, it's not their language, they don't know it, so I can't complain about it. What I can complain about on the other hand is when they mix up Kurokawa and Kurosawa. I doubt famous Japanese directors ever did any kind of architecture that wasn't directly related to a movie set.

"Hey you guys, look at that house I didn t draw."

Anywho, I took a walk with the Puppy and had ice cream, then went home and had a really nice run, so I'll stop being bitchy now and move on to this week's Project Runway.

On feeling sympathy for truly lost people

In light of the Boston Marathon bombings and the hunt for the two perpetrators, I've been spending a lot of time on news sites. I generally find cases like these interesting, since I'm curious as to what makes people do the things they do, especially when they're seriously violent. Anywho, for all you who have been living under a rock lately, the bombings were carried out by two brothers, Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev. Now from what I've gathered from news coverage, it seems like Dzhokar, the younger brother, was a pretty smart and well-adjusted kid with a promising athletic future, living with his older brother Tamerlan, who'd apparently had some run-ins with the law (like for beating his girlfriend) and was generally a pretty shady character who didn't fit in. Their father (or uncle? I can't remember) has apparently said in the media that Tamerlan was a bad influence on his little brother, and I don't know if it's because of the younger brother's age or whatever, but I feel for the kid. I really do.

On things you learn from movies

You can learn a lot of things from movies, especially things from different cultures. Spent most of the day being lazy, watching Hemingway's favourite movie 3 Idiots, which was a cute movie about embracing all the fun things in life and not taking things too seriously (with a lead role that was pretty much a male Manic Pixie Dream Girl), and I also learned informative things such as:

On being blessed by the k-pop gods

So I was going to write about something different today, but then it came to my attention that G-Dragon has released a new song (and video), and what kind of crazed fan girl would I be if I didn't use this space to gush all over it?



"What's up with his hair?" Pony and I started off by wondering.

On the universal language of fashion - Project Runway Korea S1E9

I received a pretty shitty back-handed compliment today, now that I think about it. One of my extremely vain gay friends complimented me on how I looked today, and went on to ask if I wanted his oversized black shirt, because it resembled what I was wearing. Hey, I'm happy for free clothes, so I said I'd love to take it, and he goes on to say "Sure thing, they're so out of fashion now anyway. I have like a whole bag of stuff I wanted to give to second hand, but I don't know, maybe you want it" and I don't really know how to take that. Yeah, I don't follow trends and instead wear what I think looks cool, but wasn't that just a veiled insult to the way I dress? Ah well, I'm not going to get pissy about it, I'm going to raid his hand-me-downs and rock them like crazy.

On movies you probably don't know but definitely should see - I'm a Cyborg, But That's OK

I wasn't sure whether or not I should include I'm a Cyborg, But That's OK in this series of movies you don't know, seeing as a lot of people actually do know it. It's become an indie cult classic, but since people still tend to go "huh?" when I mention it, and it's one of my favourite movies, you guys will just have to stick it out. I borrowed (OK, pretty much stole) the DVD from Sand a few months ago and have yet to give it back, seeing as I watch this movie on average at least once every other week.

On gentlemen and not-so-gentle men

So as you may or may not have noticed (depending of course on whether or not you live under a rock), Psy released a new single destined to plague us on the dance floor for some time to come.



Who am I trying to kid? It's catchy as hell and I've had it on my mind non-stop since I heard it yesterday. As with Gagnam Style, it's more of a joke song with veiled social commentary, here about women who don't live out and are always poised and boring, and how Psy's idea of the perfect girl is someone playful who can join him in being silly. Sure, we can all relate to that (right?), and I for one have sat there giggling at his silly 'sexy' dance. That being said, I'm a little disappointed that his female counterpart Ga-in (ironically) wasn't allowed to not be kinda poised and boring. While Psy silly-dances, she grinds that pelvis with fervor. It's not a joke when she does it (nor any of the female background dancers for that matter), it's serious and still meant to be sexy.

On what I think about when I'm running

Haruki Murakami wrote a book called What I talk about when I talk about running, which is one of the few books of his that I haven't read (I throw myself over everything else with vigor and enthusiasm). I thought I'd raise him one and tell you all what I think about when I'm actually running, seeing as it's one of those rare occasions when I just let everything that's bothering me go and instead just let thoughts that are repressed by thoughts of school and stress surface naturally.

Here we go!

On watching Project Runway obsessively, S11E12

"Let's get this over with" Pony sighed grimly as we started watching. We're both sick of this bad romance that Project Runway has become, and yet none of us can give it up until we've seen it through to the end. The way the episode started, with Heidi's squeaky voice and Tim gushing unbearably, Pony tiredly stated "This is the worst start ever. This is awful" and it was. This week's episode started horrifically with the designers all zooming off to various locations for inspiration - except for Michelle who was apparently punished for last week. Ridiculous. Lots of designers have been kept around before, and none were ever treated like that. "This is your do or die moment" - no, this is the same as every week, a designer who you didn't want to go home and instead kept in the game. What was the point of sending them to Europe for one day and then sending them home to work? Not even a case of "hello jet-lag", but that's crazy stressful. Airport -> 8 hour flight -> airport -> ride around the city -> sketch -> shop fabric -> airport -> 8 hour flight -> airport -> back to work. It's retarded (to not speak of environmentally catastrophic). Michelle may not have gotten to see a glimpse of a European city, but my guess is that she was much better off getting to stay home and chilling for a bit rather than go through all that hassle.

Snore.

On playing games and shooting racists

I've gotta say, hands down, that Bioshock Infinite is an awesome game.



Been playing it for most of the weekend and it's a delight. The graphics are top-notch, the story (so far) is intriguing and the mechanics are interesting. Gotta say I miss the feel of the old Bioshock though. Splicers lurking in a dark, watery city looking all messed up and talking with deranged voices were a lot scarier than the cronies in Bioshock Infinite - regular people. Bioshock Infinite is set in a city in the sky, propelled by some kind of quantum mechanics, and, being set in 1912, it's inhabited by probably the most racist assholes I've ever encountered in a game. Then again, it's an interesting twist that the bad guys are actually people with just inherently horrible world views. It makes it a bit less creepy, or rather, creepy in a different way.

On the universal language of fashion - Project Runway Korea S1E8

So it's Friday and like the saddo I am, I'm hanging out at home in my room, not really doing anything in particular. Don't feel like doing much at all really. Stress is getting to me again, but I'm going to spend some time this weekend trying to get my shit together. I feel exhausted though, I think everyone in school does, and I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, drink lots of tea and go running. Then I'm heading into town to get Bioshock Infinite. I hope I'll be able to talk to T some as well, I haven't had the chance to talk to him for a week. It's been a pretty shitty few days. One thing that made me happy though was when Pony came into my room an hour or so ago and told me about how her friend (the one I hung out with at that party last weekend) has been telling people in their class that she thinks I'm really attractive. Pony had mentioned me to someone from school who'd responded with "Your roommate? Is she the one who's really hot?". Pony proceeded to describe me by saying "Imagine an androgynous Barbie", and now apparently I'm known as being the attractive foreign roommate who speaks Swedish with a funny accent. Felt pretty damn good.

My face when she told me about it.

Anywho, for now I'm finishing up my evening with some Project Runway Korea and curling myself up into a little duvet cocoon and mini-hibernating.

I 'm just gonna stay like this for a bit, OK?

On being sick of society being a douche

Blog.com is a fucking joke. Their servers are down pretty much constantly, and there's a new error message almost every day. I'm seriously considering switching platforms, because this is just ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, there's been so many ridiculously sexist things in the Swedish media lately that just tire me out to no end. First there was an issue of a really sexist song sung at student parties about someone buying a hooker and killing her(!), because "if you've fucked her once you can do what you want with her" and "that's what happens when you suck dick". I was just lost for words. Even more so when the boyfriend of one of my oldest friends defended the song on facebook, complaining about 'political correctness' and how all the butt-hurt was getting out of hand. Obviously I can't go without fighting it, pointless as it may seem, but I just can't leave such idiocy uncontested. Then I found out about a state-sponsored public service channel in Denmark sending a show featuring two overweight middle-aged men sitting in a dark room, scrutinizing and commenting on a naked woman standing in front of them. I mean, in 2013. On public fucking service. How can people say that this isn't sexism? Aren't we watching the same show?

Of course this doesn't lead anywhere and I just end up angry and upset for the rest of the day. This isn't the song I was referring to by the way, I just like the Yeah yeah yeahs and the video feels pretty relevant.



Why can't we award everyone the same right to do whatever the hell they want with their bodies without persecution? Why are women constantly punished for the same things no-one raises an eyebrow for when men do? Why is it OK to sing about killing a woman who's idea of a moral life doesn't match up to yours? Fucking hell.

On watching Project Runway obsessively, S11E11

Oh man. Ohh man. This was disastrous, as has been the entire latest season. In came the notorious Marie Claire editorial challenge, to make an outfit for some b-grade celebrity who was in some Fast and the Furious-sequel that I've never seen nor even heard of, so yeah. Can't say that I was on the edge of my seat for this one. Although I've gotta say, even with low expectations I was pretty damn underwhelmed.

So, uh, yeah, best of the worst I guess.

On Golden age hip hop and uninformed newspapers

Is it possible to have strong opinions on misogyny and still like late 80's gangster rap? After discussing Django Unchained with some friends in school I got listening to the soundtrack on Spotify, especially this one remix of a 2pac song, and it got me in one of those weird gangster rap moods that come every once in a blue moon. I think it kinda started out with the Junsu video with the Chingy Dem Jeans-song really, but today I spent all day working to the tunes of Slick Rick.



Now Children's Story is a song about how doing illegal shit is dumb, and that's all well and good. His accent is just awesome. Things get a little more complicated when on the same album there's an (I'm sad to say) exceptionally catchy song called Treat her like a prostitute, and several other songs on the album that while rhythmically and rhyme-wise are really awesome, come with a terribly misogynistic world view. I've previously had these problems with other rappers, like Dr. Dre and N.W.A., back when I lived with my ex and was a second-hand old-school rap listener. Funny enough my ex was a giant douche with a misogynistic streak so technically I shouldn't be even remotely surprised.

The thing with all these musicians though is that even if their lyrics are horribly sexist, I'm still sitting there bobbing my head to it. I don't agree with what they're rapping about, but it's just so damn catchy, you know? Is it possible to be a feminist and like gangster rap at the same time? It's totally a guilty pleasure, I always feel a little immoral listening to it. Then again, I don't exactly condone their romanticizing violence, drugs or illiteracy either, so I guess all in all it just falls into the category of "You're a complete douche, but a talented douche who uses language in an interesting way, so I'll kinda let it slide".

On the universal language of fashion - Project Runway Korea S1E7

Can't seem to stop being hungry today. Seriously, salad lunch and then a sandwich with coffee, and I'm still kinda hungry. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife... also any small animals. Pre-period munchies is some scary business.

Went out running again today, and you just know it's going to be a good run when this is the first song that randomly comes on...



...and this is the last.



Makes you get pumped! Also makes you feel less like a sniveling pollen monster and more like a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.

It's so nice to go running. All I think about while I'm out is pushing myself a little bit harder, running a little bit further, and how happy I feel when I find out I can. You see a tree further down the road, think "I'm going to run that far, then I can walk", and then find out that you're not tired when you reach that tree and can keep running even further, it feels awesome. I know I'm still nowhere near as fit as I'd like to be, but it feels good to not be at some sort of absolute rock bottom.

On LEGO dinosaurs and books by Haruki Murakami

You know you probably party a little too hard or drink a little too much when you're invited to a birthday party with lots of people you don't know and no alcohol and you feel a bit weird and apprehensive about it. I'm a little self-conscious around meeting new people and I'm shy, so meeting people is hard unless I'm in a really good mood or if I'm a little loosened up. Not slobbering drunk mind you, but like the comfortable one-beer-kinda-almost-tipsy. Still, was a lot of fun. They had an entire room devoted to LEGO, what more could anyone ask for?

I built a yellow LEGO dinosaur.

On the universal language of fashion - Project Runway Korea S1E6

Why oh why does my body crave chocolate after I've been out for a run? Isn't it the most counter-productive thing in the history of mankind? Y told me it means that my body wants energy, but I'm not hungry per se, I just want delicious dark chocolate with sea salt in it. That being said, one of the reasons I started running again was to kick my inner fat kid in the ass and stop indulging her with cookies and candy, and boy did I kick her in the ass today. Tried out Zombies, run! like I said I would (the c25k-program, seeing as I have asthma and it's been two major holidays with a lot of food and not a lot of movement when you're huddled in front of the computer doing school work). Was out for half an hour, had more energy than I thought I would, and the format really helped me. Running without anything to listen to is probably the most boring thing in the world, and I get out of breath almost immediately. Running with music works better, but damn, running with somebody telling you that zombies are behind you works really well. The story was engaging, and mixing it up with a running playlist from my phone just made the whole thing feel kinda awesome rather than like something I had to do because whatever.

Oh so true.

I've missed running. Now that the snow's melting I hope to be able to get back out there again roughly three times a week (even though right now the roads are all super icy and I almost slipped and died like a million times). It's nice how you end up feeling really good afterwards with endorphins, and post-workout showers are magical.

I'm off to spend the evening straightening out my room and getting to grips with the enormous mountain that is the dishes so I don't have to feel awkward when my friend comes over tomorrow to make cupcakes for a friend's birthday party. They're going to have little chocolate bikes on them. They're going to be awesome. Until then I leave you with what was, hands down, the best episode out of all the Project Runways in the history of the show. Well, the best challenge at least. Seriously. High fashion, yay!

On laziness and internet make-believe friends

Went to my parents' house today (for like the third time in two weeks, what the hell? Normally it's like a weekend every two to three months, now all of a sudden I'm in and out of there all the time. Ah well) to see my sister Hannibal (not really her name) who lives way up north with her family. Don't get to see her all that often, so I took time off from writing my thesis to go hang out for a bit with her and her two sons (who are loud and boisterous, just like the rest of my family). She greeted me by saying "Wow, you look like a Thai Tom" (which I totally take as a compliment because androgyny is awesome) and "You look more and more Asian every time I see you", which to me is confusing because generally Asian people aren't 179 cm or sporting white hair. I don't get it, but I'll take those as compliments, Hannibal. Doesn't even matter if they were meant as compliments to start out with, I'm taking them as compliments. Kinda like hostages. Dammit, my train of thought derailed again.

Oops.

On watching Project Runway obsessively, S11E10

Thesis season going on right now. Got my paper due Friday so every day is thesis day in my living room. Feels pretty good actually, it's been long since I felt motivated to really work, but it's an interesting subject and yesterday I raided the library taking every available book on Japanese architecture, so now I'm ready to get shit done.

That Korean book is just there for my own entertainment though. Architecture nerd warning.

So to give myself some inner blogging peace I'm going to stick you people with a post I've already prepared before, like if this were some sort of cooking show, and get to work on my own stuff. I'll catch you guys later, hopefully then with a more complete understanding of traditional Japanese architecture linking to modernism. Anyone who doesn't find that interesting is just... not interested in traditional Japanese architecture or modernism I guess. No biggie.

 So yeah, back again with another episode of drama drama drama. This week it was about creating a look of 'wearable art' and a commercial companion piece, and Christ, there was a lot of product placement to go with it. It was the HP fabric creating challenge (yeah, a million challenges in one), so obviously I expected some, but when Tim had to go off on a several minute praise fest of how fantabulous everything about the new HP computer was I just wanted to die a little inside, the same way I'm guessing Tim did. Ugh. I mean, a regular episode is bad enough as it is - mention the HP touch pads (yeah, no sketching on paper here, we're all digital. Ugh), mention Mood, have awkward non-fluid conversations about how fabulous the concealer you're using is... It's so low.

Anywho, some was good, some was bad and a lot was just bitchy. Starting out with the winning team:

Ooh.

On the world not being fair and being angry about it

Today I was pissed.

I was really pissed about having to wait for answers from the currently all-powerful HR. I was pissed about not knowing anything in terms of time. I was pissed that I have a boyfriend I can't even see. It's like dating an invisible friend. Sure, I talk to him every day online, but if I wanted a distance relationship I wouldn't have started dating someone who lives and (supposedly) works in Sweden. Shit's just not fair. Knowing that Hemingway will probably be back sometime this month is about as much use to me as a hat made out of omelettes. It makes me upset, which in turn makes me act like a total dick towards others.

Even if it's nothing I can help (nor Hemingway either), to meet, fall in love and then not get to see each other for the longest of times is really fucking with my brain. Happy chemicals are going haywire and then dying out without me getting my fix, so I sit around like a heroin addict waiting (im)patiently for my tiny daily dose that comes from talking, longing for the day when I get my next real hit - when we actually meet up again.

Me, if I were a man with veins capable of shooting anything up.

The fact that I also have a migraine doesn't make any of this any better.

On control issues and overused cliches

Went to my parents' house yesterday for a quick Easter visit. After way too much food and laziness I came back again today, and tomorrow school starts all over again. Remember that thesis I've been talking about? Yeah, it's due Friday, so let's get some work done this week, eh?

The perfect building on a perfect day.

Going through my pictures from when O and I went to Katsura last summer, I'm reminded (like I always am when it comes to my trip) of how much I actually miss Japan. It was probably the best trip of my life, and it just made total sense to go back long-term as soon as I could. It's a lot of work to get there, but I'm on my way, and while there are things that I really like about Sweden, I'd probably resent both them and myself if I didn't take the chance to go. Life's amazingly complicated sometimes. Just gotta hope that things turn out for the best anyway.