On the world not being fair and being angry about it

Today I was pissed.

I was really pissed about having to wait for answers from the currently all-powerful HR. I was pissed about not knowing anything in terms of time. I was pissed that I have a boyfriend I can't even see. It's like dating an invisible friend. Sure, I talk to him every day online, but if I wanted a distance relationship I wouldn't have started dating someone who lives and (supposedly) works in Sweden. Shit's just not fair. Knowing that Hemingway will probably be back sometime this month is about as much use to me as a hat made out of omelettes. It makes me upset, which in turn makes me act like a total dick towards others.

Even if it's nothing I can help (nor Hemingway either), to meet, fall in love and then not get to see each other for the longest of times is really fucking with my brain. Happy chemicals are going haywire and then dying out without me getting my fix, so I sit around like a heroin addict waiting (im)patiently for my tiny daily dose that comes from talking, longing for the day when I get my next real hit - when we actually meet up again.

Me, if I were a man with veins capable of shooting anything up.

The fact that I also have a migraine doesn't make any of this any better.
Pony and G were out for coffee and a walk on the ice the other day when they'd stopped at a café and seen Swedish pastries known as vacuum cleaners, with Electrolux written on them. Y told me how she'd reacted with anger on my behalf because of Hemingway's job. It's apartment policy to hate on Electrolux right now out of solidarity, which is comforting in its own ridiculous jokey way.

I don't like being pissy. It's one of those things that make me feel really stupid. It's a shitty situation we're in, and there's not much we can do about it, and being a grumpy bitch isn't going to make anything easier. After I've been angry I always feel completely worn out and exhausted, and also kinda guilty for my behaviour, so it doesn't give me much in terms of satisfaction either. Sure, everyone gets mad from time to time, but somehow I always figure I'm supposed to know better, act better and just not give in to my inner bitch on stuff like this. The fact that I'm influenced by feelings (shock horror!), and that these feelings sometimes are negative to myself and others (even more shock horror!) has been something I've been actively trying to get around for years, because to me they're not rational. Feelings aren't rational. They make you do crazy shit you normally wouldn't, act in bizarre ways and just generally fuck with you. Then again, they're part of life, and as such are better to just try to deal with in as calm a way as possible. Yes, sometimes I get mad for reasons that after some painkillers for my migraine, ice cream and X-files seem completely arbitrary, and that's OK. At least I know when I'm doing it and I'm rational about knowing that I've been a dick. Hopefully that counts for something.

I just wish my laptop was better bed company.