Bad things, good things and panda things.

Lately things have been slipping pretty bad. My project's moving forward steadily, but it hasn't really felt that way, mostly because of my thesis not progressing at all and my quest for a summer job feeling late and hopeless. Friday it all boiled over into a panic attack, the first really big one since I was 19 or so, and it was scary. Crying my eyes out, hyperventilating, shaking... luckily Pony came home just as it was starting and stuck with me through it, doing breathing exercises with me and making me tell her everything that was on my mind. Two hours later I'd calmed down enough to breathe properly, sip some hot chocolate and go to bed after an episode of X-files. I'd reached boiling point.

What Friday evening felt like, cute version.

Saturday I left Stockholm to go to my parents' house, and for once I was completely honest about how bad I'd freaked out the night before and how I needed to be taken care of and stabilized, which they promptly did with lots of warm food, mahjong and whiskey. Having gone through life as overworked wrecks themselves, they know only all too well the need for time to just relax and revert into being a child with no responsibilities, with someone to handle things, leaving the largest decision of my weekend to be whether I should drink chocolate milk or orange juice for breakfast (I eventually settled for both). I wouldn't have minded another day there to ground myself just a little more, but there was so much to do both at home and with school that I had to leave in the evening. I left feeling significantly strengthened though, much more capable with dealing with everything being thrown my way, which felt rather good.

Came home and spent yesterday sleeping. I just couldn't physically get out of bed without feeling like shit, so I probably spent at least 18 hours passed out in bed. I was completely exhausted. Rounded up the evening with some stomach flu and nothing done at all on my project. I emailed by teacher and told him what was what though, so he knew not to expect anything in full for hand-in time today at 5 pm (which I stormed through in a blaze of glory, handing in probably the worst work I've ever done). I don't care much for giving up, but at this point I need to buy time, and the easiest way to do it is to just come clean and tell people that it's just not working. I need to rest. Today I feel a lot better though, but the weekend just serves as a warning sign and a reminder that things can seriously go to shit unless I try to take care of myself a little better.



Sci-show uploaded this today, having apparently decided to go ahead and tell me off for stressing out too much as well. They should show this at my school. Chances are it'd probably just stress all the students out even more, but I wish they could make the teachers calm down a little. Sand's been chasing me with her good intentions as well, asking if I need help with my project, calling to tell me of announcements in school, calling to see if I'm even alive... Somehow everyone got involved in this, and while I'm not comfortable sharing how I feel with others, in a way it's good that people know so that I don't have to go around trying to look strong when I'm exhausted. I'm so happy Easter's coming up so I can take a few days to just breathe a little and get myself into gear.

Every single person in my life these past few days. <3

The weekend's not all been bad though. Sunday Hemingway asked to change his relationship status on facebook to 'in a relationship', which to me is a pretty big deal. The fact that he seems to want to put it on show and is so excited about liking me is another part of him being such a calming influence on my view of relationships. I never have to wonder, he never leaves me hanging. Like I've probably whined before, trusting isn't something that comes to me easy on an intimate level and I'm very introverted when it comes to expressing feelings, but Hemingway makes me happy in that way that really matters. I feel accepted and appreciated for who I am, without having to censor myself. It feels good to not have to feel anxious about it. The fact that he expresses his insecurities rather openly makes me feel a lot more secure as well. It's... nice. Different. I like that he's confident enough to share when he's... not confident I guess. Makes me feel like we're getting into all of this in an open and honest way.

Damn.

Funny really how things work out. You catch each others eye across the dance floor and from there, five weeks later, you're boyfriend girlfriend to the world. It's fast and it's a little scary, but all in all I feel happier being in that position than I have in a pretty long time, and I genuinely enjoy where this seems to be going. If he'd only come back soon I'd be stoked. Apparently HR have changed their minds again and he might be back during the second week of April again before leaving for the States (instead of the last week of April like they said before...). It's an arrangement I'm much happier with, as even if the total amount of time he's away may be the same, being able to spend time with him for short periods in between makes it all the more bearable. It's not as easy as if he had a 9-5 job at an office somewhere, but since nothing of what I do ever is easy, this'll just have to fall into the same pattern of 'make it work'. Since I don't feel like I have to worry, missing him is without that lump of dread and is far more manageable. Still not fun, of course, since sleeping alone feels cold and lonely once you've found someone you'd let back in your bed and your life over and over, but on the other hand it means that finally actually seeing him again will be all the more worthwhile.

So sorry friends and silent readers for falling off the daily-posting-wagon, but as I'm sure you can agree the reason was legit and this little bit of good news should make up for it in my book.