On life-changing decisions and chocolate

Me, Autumn 2013

On top of all the general stress of finishing up my thesis and my bachelor's project, I'm currently weighed down by the added stress of both trying to find a summer job and trying to find an internship for the fall. Ideally I'd want to work at a smaller firm so I could learn what it was all about, seeing as I one day would like to have a firm of my own, but they generally don't pay very well and I'm honestly a little sick of living hand-out to hand-out, as I've been doing it for years now. Doing something real, getting a bit of experience and some more dough to go with it should do me well. I'm a bit apprehensive about larger firms, as it seems you kinda turn into their personal CAD-monkey and get to do little else, but hey, maybe it's worth it. I don't know.

A whole bunch of larger firms came to our school today to promote themselves as places to apply for internships at. I stopped by for half an hour or so, and was pretty bored to find that every single project on display kinda looked the same, and people generally just said pretty menial stuff. No-one really took a stand for anything. A few firms peaked a bit of interest, but I feel a bit weird about the whole thing. I wish I could pause life right now to stop, breathe and try to get some bearings, but there's just no time. I need to just go for it, and that in and of itself is freaking me out.

There's something scary about putting myself on display by sending people what I've done and hoping they'll like it. Since every project is a measure of investment of time and effort, rejection would feel far more personal. I'm also a bit nervous that the 'realness' of what I do would feel crippling. Ugh, I feel anxious.

Anyone for some architectural gloom?

I managed to score tickets to a chocolate tasting event and took G with me. Even though we live together we seldom do things together that doesn't involve either Y or gaming in some form or other, so it was really nice to take the chance to go do something fun. We spent two hours listening to a talk on the mechanics behind chocolate and chocolate making, and tried some pretty awesome stuff. Turns out that good chocolate is just like good wine. You have no idea how it's supposed to taste until you try quality stuff. Chocolate with real cocoa butter as opposed to palm oil for 4 times the price of the stuff you'd buy at the convenience store, that melts on your tongue and carries all those rich berry flavours... and when I tasted the truffle it was like a culinary orgasm. No kidding. I thought I'd died and gone to flavour heaven, just like when I tried Amarone wine for the first time and people laughed and said it would become an expensive habit. It's become more of an expensive treat, just like I suspect that real chocolate will.

Candy as represented by my brain.

It's funny how things get better when you spend a little more. Wine, food, clothes... there's such a difference in quality. If I could decide (and if I learned the art of self-restraint), I'd want to buy less but better. I like to think that if things held better quality, maybe I'd be satisfied with less. I'm not much of a monetarily driven person - having a substantial bank account doesn't mean much to me in the ways of happiness, but I like having my senses pleased. It doesn't have to be anything big either - the other day at Muji I was captivated by the texture of a notepad and had to stand and stroke it with my finger for a few extra seconds. It's cliche, but it really is the little things that, when you notice them, make life beautiful. Experiencing things to the fullest with your senses really makes a world of difference. It's sad how much we run past to hurry to things that don't make us happy and won't matter in the end.