On space-time continuum and paper trails

So apparently my papers reached Tokyo on time. I got an email from my recruiter, but the tone of formality in the letter freaks me out a bit. "We would like to inform you that we have received your visa preparation documents. Your documents will be checked by the Instructor Recruiting section to verify that all information in your documents is accurate and acceptable to submit to the Japanese Immigration Bureau. This process will take approximately 10 business days. We will contact you via e-mail to inform you of any amendments or additional documents required. If additional information is required, please be sure to reply promptly to avoid any unnecessary delays." They're going to check all of the information? Maybe I shouldn't have put 'Current' on my restaurant job. Maybe I shouldn't have done a lot of things. Maybe all of this will implode, slowly. Maybe it'll all work out. No matter what the result, I feel completely unprepared, and I don't know of a way to make myself feel any less unprepared. It's just one of those things. You've been chased to the edge of a cliff. Now all you can do is jump (or fall) off of it, and hope that maybe, somehow, something will catch you or at least break the fall.

On lazy socializing and lazy running

I may be the worst person in the world to bring to parties where I don't know anyone. It's the most awkward experience I know. Sometimes, once in a blue moon, I'll actually feel like being social and have a non-awkward time, but most nights I just stiffly clutch my beer and try to not look too self-conscious. There was a moving in party at the apartment where the Philosopher used to live where I first met him two years ago, and it felt a bit weird coming full cycle. He wasn't really feeling it either, and we were only there for a short while before going back home to drink tea and watch movies, so I tried my best. It's just kinda shitty when everyone goes "So what do you do?" and I go "Eh... nothing, actually. I do fuck all." I don't want to get into the whole Japan thing, especially not in front of the Philosopher, as enthusiasm is certainly lacking at the thought of leaving him, and the general stress of it all makes me not want to talk about it. I'm also pretty sure that I'll never see most of those people again, so I just couldn't really muster the energy to care about any of them.

These people didn't even have pets.

On rough weeks and every type of cramp imaginable

Man, this week has been rough. Sorry for dropping off the face of the planet, but I really haven't been feeling my best, and there's been a million different things going on. I completed the visa application on Wednesday, sending off all of those papers and am now in the process of waiting and feeling absolutely awful about everything. Fun.

On bohemian apartments and schools being just as terrible as I remember them

Sometime after breakfast today I had this intense desire to just be somewhere else, and decided that today was a Knives Chau day. Basically we just sat doing some work together, me revising and her doing stuff for her exchange year in Switzerland, drinking smoothies and coffee and listening to chill music. I don't think I've ever had a day go by so fast, or at least not for a long time. Even though I probably should have been out doing more, I feel like I'm getting past those feelings of stress that come from having a crazy work ethic hammered into you since childhood. Will I get it all done today? No. Will I get it done in time? Yes. There's no need to freak out about it. Just be cool.

On sucking up to the Japanese Immigration Bureau and other stressful things

The closer I get to finishing handling all of my papers in regards to my visa application, the more I feel torn between this terrible sadness and excitement. I've been dreaming of this for literally half my life, and now that it's happening, I feel completely helpless. Not only that I feel like I'm giving total control of my future happiness to the Japanese Immigration Bureau, but that the reality of the situation is beginning to sink in. I go to places, and suddenly it hits me that it might be the last time I go there for a long time. At least one of the last times. I imagine this is what it's like to be dying, in a way (even though that sounds almost unnecessarily dramatic). You kinda go around saying goodbye to everything, and everytime you discover something new that you like, like this adorable little cafe I found with Puppy after we got our haircuts, it's laced with a tinge of sadness. When the owner saw me go in today to buy a coffee and write some letters for my visa application, he recognized me and struck up conversation, asking me if I was a student and if I lived nearby. It feels bittersweet to go "No, I used to work around here, but I don't anymore because I'm moving to Japan to teach English in two months". It's amazing, and it's impressive, but ultimately it's lonely.

On feelings and confessions

There's been a reason for my lack of posting lately, it's not just me being irresponsible and having my head in the clouds (although to be honest, that has been me a lot recently). I haven't really been home, or by myself, most nights for a while, so it's hard to get the time to put together a post that's not a shitty one posted from my phone. I may be slow, but I do like quality. Anywho. The reason is that I've been seeing someone.

On awesome teachers and good moods

Pictured: the average restaurant patron.

I can't really seem to get my body to understand that it doesn't have to go back to work anymore. Over the past few days my brain's been going "Ugh, it's Monday soon. We all know what Monday means. Monday means work. Monday means crappy customers", and I have to remind it that "No, nowadays Monday means the same as every other day. Monday means lazily filling out some paperwork, eating lunch in your pajamas and watching Ancient Aliens in bed for shits and giggles". I like these Mondays better by quite a bit.

On less than cute bodily functions

Bloody hell.

On energizing spring

Spring's here, silent readers! Finally, after months of darkness that I didn't really think would end. And I've been all productive today, which has felt pretty neat. I started off by going by Karate wife to casually mention that they still haven't payed me for last month, to which she looked rather embarrassed and apologetic, promising to get it done ASAP, before hooking me up with some free sushi lunch. The money's still not there and I'm still a little bit annoyed about that, but hell, it'll be there soon and I'm not in any crippling debt or so. That's a good thing I guess. I just don't like margins, and I wish they'd deposit my money sooner rather than later.

I miss Shan's sushi. This wasn't bad either, but goddamn it, Shan's is a whole different ball park. Anyways, I'm not one to complain when given free lunch.

On emails and life goals

How can it take so long for schools to read an email and answer it? I asked them four days ago, requesting a total of maybe two sentences from them stating that yes, I have in fact been a student at their schools, and yes, the language of tuition was English, and still nothing. It should take a grand total of maybe five minutes, checking my records included. If I can figure out all my other visa shit in the time before that, they should be able to answer a fucking email. I might even have my scheduled meeting with architecture school before getting anything even similar to a response from the others. It's stressful, and it sucks. Answer your emails, you fucks.

On getting what I need

Today was the kind of day that let me know that I've made the right decision to quit my job. I spent it doing the things I quit my job to do - going to a lecture at school about how to start your own architecture practice, making preparations for my visa, and spending time with Knives Chau and the Puppy. I was sure, beforehand, that I'd be antsy around 3 p.m., feeling like I should head off to work, but all that really happened was that I glanced at my phone to check the time around 4 p.m. while we were at a really cozy café, before going back to the discussion of cute dog breeds that we would like to own at some point in our lives. It felt great. "You look so much happier!" Knives told me, and I really felt like I was on top of the world. I kept thinking 'I've won' on the way home. I don't really know what I've won though. Peace of mind, maybe. Whatever it is, today was everything I've wished for these past few months. I really like feeling happy.

On problems I didn't even know I had

How I feel the world views me sometimes.

Moonlight called Pony last night, stating how worried and sad he was that I didn't want to talk. He told her that he's really worried about me, and was apparently worried about my weight, He said I looked thin, which surprised me because I was wearing my regular work jeans that my parents got me for my birthday, and I didn't think it would change that much in two months.
"I don't look that much thinner though, right?" I asked Pony, thinking she would agree and expose his worries as the guilty conscience bullshit I suspected them to be. "Have I really lost weight in the weeks I haven't seen Moonlight?"
"Yeah, you have," she said. "I just haven't said anything because you say you've got it under control and I don't want to nag. You've thinned out even more, especially your thighs. I'm smaller than you are, but your legs are now thinner than mine."

On paper mountains and bad run-ins

Sorry about the almost aggressive lack of posting, silent readers. It's been a bumpy couple of days. I celebrated my last day of work yesterday, which felt good and bad at the same time. Like, I really like my coworkers, but I hate dealing with most customers. Saying bye to people I like feels kinda sad. Of course I'll probably be by a few more times, especially seeing as I still need to turn in my hours, but I won't be working there anymore, and that feels strange. Good, but strange. Given how I've been feeling since New Years, I think I need time away from that place.

On thought processes and other scary things

I know that the previous point probably left some to be desired for those of you who want to know about what's going on. I was feeling a little bit too rattled to write at the time, and I still honestly do, but I'd like to try to get it out of my head so that it doesn't float around there taking up all this space.

Getting this job is nowhere near clean cut, emotions-wise. I've worked for this for years. I've devoted myself to it wholly. It's the greatest adventure I've dared attempt. It makes me feel like I'm a lost four year old, all alone.

On conflicting emotions and huge life changes

Checking my email this morning led to serious shaking, crying and a long string of words like 'fuck' and 'shit' tied together.

I got the job.

On uncertainty and being a special snowflake

I'm beginning to wonder how many mornings this week will be spent furiously refreshing my email, hoping for a response on my application. I spent both yesterday's and this morning refreshing my Japanese at Pony's apartment, and brought my computer for the express purpose of having an eye on my inbox at all times (and some Spotify for good measure). It's a waiting game, and while waiting games make me nervous, I'll wait, ready to pounce. Of course I'm absolutely terrified that the answer may be no, but equally terrified should it be yes. But whatever it is, not knowing trumps it all in terms of what makes me the most uncomfortable.

On fear

Tomorrow might be the day. I don't know what to do if it is.

I'm not sure if I've ever been more afraid.

On strange affections

I wonder if I'm right to feel like a dirty pervert for having a slight obsession/crush on Karate son. In my eyes, that boy can do no wrong. He's only 15, but his calm and quiet demeanor intrigues me, and he has a smile that, as John Green so beautifully put it, could end wars and cure cancer. It's some kind of magic. Karate wife was playing with SameName's baby, joking with me, and Karate son came by and smiled that beautiful smile of his, and I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit enamored with this kid. Not like I'm going to pull him into a broom closet and rob him of his innocence or anything, but I just kinda wish I knew him. He seems like a really good kid, and he's by far my favorite out of the many Karate children. There's just something about him that resonates with me. I caught myself thinking I'd kinda miss him once I stop working at the restaurant. Oh well. It's nice to know that people with dick dads don't always end up dicks. That in and of itself should be worth something.