On thought processes and other scary things

I know that the previous point probably left some to be desired for those of you who want to know about what's going on. I was feeling a little bit too rattled to write at the time, and I still honestly do, but I'd like to try to get it out of my head so that it doesn't float around there taking up all this space.

Getting this job is nowhere near clean cut, emotions-wise. I've worked for this for years. I've devoted myself to it wholly. It's the greatest adventure I've dared attempt. It makes me feel like I'm a lost four year old, all alone.

To say that I feel conflicted about the whole situation is an understatement. I knew it wouldn't be a cake walk and that I wouldn't take moving so light heartedly, but I wasn't anticipating the sheer sense of terror and loneliness that swallowed me up like some kind of malicious feelings-whale. Reading the email the first time made me shake so bad I could hardly hold the spoon to eat my breakfast yoghurt. Thinking about it again while doing dishes made me break into sobs so heavy it sounded like someone was attempting to smother a large animal. My reaction makes me sad and anxious. I fought so hard for this - so why do I feel this way? I'm more scared of this than anything I've encountered to date. Probably because it's the biggest thing I've done to date, bigger even than graduating. Also probably because I have to do it all alone. I'm scared I won't have anybody. I've been an island for so long growing up, and now that I have all these amazing people around me, I don't want to be alone again.

No matter what, I'm going. It's been a childhood dream. If I were to back out, there would be no point in dreaming ever again, and if that were the case, there'd be no point in living. It's vital, and I know that once I get there, I'll figure it out. For the moment being, I need to mourn for my first life quarter, because no matter how you look at it, that time is over. My life will forever be split into BJ and AJ - Before Japan and After Japan. It will change me forever. I'll never be the same. I think that's why it hurts inside. It's growing pains. I never had physical growing pains growing up, despite always being tall, but I imagine my aches to be similar. I'm evolving, and it hurts, but in the end I'll be better for it. As Haruki Murakami wrote in 1Q84: 'I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.'

I've been a little on the fence if I should tell anyone about this, seeing as the visa situation is still a little shaky in my eyes (and probably still will be when I'm passing through immigration at Narita airport), but Knives Chau told me not to worry, as I've been offered the job and everything from here on out is just a matter of formality. I don't know if this will just make people ask about it more, but it's out there now at least. Bringing it out into the open will make it harder to give into that little nagging voice that wants you to run away and be a coward. I don't want that. I want to walk in with my back straight.

...and preferably this amount of confidence.