On feelings and confessions

There's been a reason for my lack of posting lately, it's not just me being irresponsible and having my head in the clouds (although to be honest, that has been me a lot recently). I haven't really been home, or by myself, most nights for a while, so it's hard to get the time to put together a post that's not a shitty one posted from my phone. I may be slow, but I do like quality. Anywho. The reason is that I've been seeing someone.

You might all think this is ridiculous. Things crash with Moonlight and suddenly I'm barking up someone else's tree in a hurry? But it's not as shallow as it seems, really. It's the Philosopher (the name now just feeling awkward to write as I'm guessing it will keep popping up on this blog, there's no way you guys are getting out of this). It's been complicated. We've had a thing for each other pretty much since we met around two years ago, although Sand, who was madly in love with him during high school, expressively forbid me from hitting on him. It was literally the first thing she said when we were on our way to the party where I first met him. "You're not allowed to hit on the Philosopher." So we were friends, and kept doing an awkward shuffle back and forth. I was probably sending out really mixed signals, since I didn't want to hurt my friend but was still kinda into him, and he probably just didn't know where it was at, since I kept dating other people.

The last seven months or so we started hanging out more and more frequently, culminating in things getting really weird around the time I broke up with Hemingway, but instead of bolting when things get awkward like I always do, we actually talked about things like actual adults and decided to see where things were at. When I met Moonlight and started dating him, we discussed that too, neither of us wanting to stop seeing the other. So things moved along, turning into a bit of a polyamorous thing there for a bit, but having time to devote just to the Philosopher feels really nice. It might seem shallow, but I don't think it's wrong. It's needed all this time and these tiny steps to mature, I guess.  Now he calls me his girlfriend, holds my hand on the bus and chooses to accompany me to parties that my architecture friends throw over countryside lectures about permaculture that his friends throw, despite not really knowing anyone.

I think we're both kinda messed up from previous relationships, but have had it manifest in pretty different ways. In addition, the whole grown-up talking thing makes all of this feel kinda... safe. Good. Pony says my dating history keeps getting better in the way that every guy I date is better than the one before, and she really likes the Philosopher, so I can feel pretty safe in that as well. Obviously the timing stinks, and I can't say for sure what will happen when I move, but apart from being one of those 'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it' type deals, I'm comfortable with him in a way that I don't think I've been with anyone. I'm slowly relaxing more and more, and I think it's a good change for me. Less crazy is good.

I don't really know how to break it to Sand though. In a way I'm convinced that if she understands how serious this is, far from just a casual hook-up, she'll come to terms with it. I don't like the thought of my friends feeling hurt or betrayed, but I'm not giving this up. I can't fathom how it would be immoral or wrong to be with someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them. It's just... amazing, I guess. Pleasurable. Wonderful. Any adjective expressing a positive emotion.