On uncertainty and being a special snowflake

I'm beginning to wonder how many mornings this week will be spent furiously refreshing my email, hoping for a response on my application. I spent both yesterday's and this morning refreshing my Japanese at Pony's apartment, and brought my computer for the express purpose of having an eye on my inbox at all times (and some Spotify for good measure). It's a waiting game, and while waiting games make me nervous, I'll wait, ready to pounce. Of course I'm absolutely terrified that the answer may be no, but equally terrified should it be yes. But whatever it is, not knowing trumps it all in terms of what makes me the most uncomfortable.

I can't really seem to find the energy to write much, mostly because I feel like there isn't much going on, apart from said waiting. My life is mostly comprised of that, and of course waiting for my last week at work to end. I'm so glad I'm going to be rid of this shit soon. Yesterday a particularly messy father-son duo came in, and cleaning up after them, all I could think about was how vile and disgusting humans as a species are. Today, when a customer is on the phone while ordering and then apologizes after, and that makes you think 'huh, I guess chivalry isn't dead after all', that just serves to hammer in what low expectations you get when it comes to common courtesy working at restaurants.

Even if my dislike of people in general has grown over the past months, I still find it kinda depressing when potential job candidates show up to hand in their resumes. They all seem so accomplished, and it makes me wonder how I even got this job in the first place. Of course, my status as special snowflake will end when I step out the door on Friday, but I kinda wish it could endure forever, job or no job. No matter with who, I want to be thought of as smarter, more capable and prettier than any competition. It's like being well-liked isn't enough - I want to be adored. I think maybe it's because I was seen as so hopelessly uncool when I was a kid. I'm probably still scared people will abandon me unless I'm absolutely amazing at all times. I guess it's an over-achiever kind of thing.