On sucking up to the Japanese Immigration Bureau and other stressful things

The closer I get to finishing handling all of my papers in regards to my visa application, the more I feel torn between this terrible sadness and excitement. I've been dreaming of this for literally half my life, and now that it's happening, I feel completely helpless. Not only that I feel like I'm giving total control of my future happiness to the Japanese Immigration Bureau, but that the reality of the situation is beginning to sink in. I go to places, and suddenly it hits me that it might be the last time I go there for a long time. At least one of the last times. I imagine this is what it's like to be dying, in a way (even though that sounds almost unnecessarily dramatic). You kinda go around saying goodbye to everything, and everytime you discover something new that you like, like this adorable little cafe I found with Puppy after we got our haircuts, it's laced with a tinge of sadness. When the owner saw me go in today to buy a coffee and write some letters for my visa application, he recognized me and struck up conversation, asking me if I was a student and if I lived nearby. It feels bittersweet to go "No, I used to work around here, but I don't anymore because I'm moving to Japan to teach English in two months". It's amazing, and it's impressive, but ultimately it's lonely.
Writing a cover letter to the Immigration Bureau feels like the worst though, because that one's so definitive. Gaba already wants me, and just wants me to tell them that I'll follow all of their directives and get enrolled in the governmental health insurance and all that jazz, but the Immigration Bureau need to be convinced that I'm a good idea and that I won't fuck their citizens up. I feel like I'm begging them, like they're hanging some sword of judgement above my head, ready to strike and chop it off if it strikes their fancy. Like I've stated before, I don't think that Gaba would support my visa application unless they thought that I had a good chance of getting one, but it feels like this part is on me in terms of making it happen, and the pressure of that weighs heavy on me. Like most pressure, it makes me want to bail. I've had to utilize so much willpower these past few weeks to not just freak out and lose my shit. It requires so much energy to just stand still, let alone move forward in these matters, even if it feels important to me and is something I really want. I don't feel like people understand how heavy this is. They hear I'm going to Japan, and they hug and congratulate me, ask me how excited I am, and are just the epitome of well-meaning and kind, and I just stand there feeling like I don't really know what to say, or how to feel. In a way, it's like their enthusiasm dwarfs mine, or rather that there are expectations on me now to go forth and be happy and have this amazing adventure. I think I will be happy, and I do think it'll be an adventure, but right now all I can think about is treading water to keep my head above the surface and to keep myself from drowning in panic and feelings of inferiority until I reach the shore.

Of course it's not all bad, or I wouldn't go. I'm genuinely excited and very invested in all of this. That's also what makes it hard and confusing, as if it were clear-cut that it was too scary or whatever I'd just quit and do something else. I'm not a quitter though, and I know I'd just end up regretting it terribly if I didn't go. That's why I'm putting so much effort, and ultimately so much pressure, into getting everything right regarding all the paperwork. It'll be fine in the end, I'm pretty sure of it. I'll feel much better by tomorrow evening when I've dropped it all off at the post office. Then it's out of my power and all I can do is wait. At least then I'll have done everything I could have done.

Winter decided to make a comeback today. I don't for the life of me understand why, I was quite enjoying the warmer days and spring flowers. Hope they don't all die now, that would be pretty damn depressing. Speaking of depressing, I swung by work to hand in a paper with my hours for March, and it's weird how strong the urge to clean shit up and fill soy containers is. Just walking away seeing Shan run away with that stuff without helping was the oddest thing ever. It was nice to stand around and have a nice long talk with Anime boy Yohei though. He seemed bored out of his mind, and told me to come back again soon, while warning me of the dangers of cell phone deals that are crazy expensive to get out of. See, I don't have a clue about shit like this. It's nice to have people take pity on my clueless self though, and it's pretty exciting to know that that's the kind of stuff I'll have to read up on and take care of soon. Crazy.