On pleasant dinner dates and unpleasant frustration

I find my relationship with Moonlight to be completely confusing. I don't ever really know where we're at. One minute it's like we're a couple, and the next, he fucking high fives me as a hello and we're nowhere even near any kind of physical contact. "But hey, he came rushing over and damn near broke your door down because he saw you crying," Pony said, but I just get the feeling he's like that with any friend. After having dated Hemingway who would hardly do anything that didn't involve climbing all over me when we were together, I end up feeling insecure and kinda rejected around someone as unwilling to admit to any kind of public display of affection as Moonlight.

"So talk to him," Pony said. "Tell him how you feel, even if it's the scariest thing in the world. It's funny how brave you are in some instances and what complete chicken shit you are in others. Move to the other side of the world? No problem. Tell someone you hang out with as boyfriend and girlfriend that you're harboring some serious feelings for them? God no." Hell, moving is nothing in comparison to the potentially emotionally crippling consequences of telling someone you're in love with them unless you're both absolutely hammered. His whole attitude is beginning to seriously piss me off though. It makes me defensive too. I don't want to get hurt, so I feel myself pulling back. It's probably not the best of tactics, but this back and forth yoyo-ing is really messing me up.

On job search worries and asshole friends

Just before going to bed last night I noticed that I'd been sending a resume where I applied for the job as 'Preschool teacher' to jobs that didn't involve preschool teaching at all. Oops. Note to self - read through your cover letter more carefully and stop applying for jobs at 2 a.m. Luckily at least some of the stuff was teaching young kids, so there's always that, and I wasn't honestly thinking I was going to score with any of the others, so I'm going to go ahead and accept that yeah, I fucked up but it wasn't that big a deal. Fuck up or not, I'll have it figured out in the end.

On weird laughs and strange men from Czechoslovakia

Today was, luckily, a better day than the past few days have been. If it hadn't, I probably would have called in sick and just given up on the world for the day. I was still feeling a bit shaken from yesterday and hadn't slept very well, but I felt like it was my duty to suck it up and put a smile on my face for the day. It felt a little insincere at first, but later ended up coming pretty naturally, even though I kept feeling like my laugh was a little bit too high, or a bit too loud, or dragged on for a bit longer than felt natural. Something was off, I guess. Then again, I guess it's true what they say when they say 'fake it till you make it'. I did end up feeling better than I've done this week, so that's always a plus.

On even shittier days

I need to quit my job. This became painfully clear to me after a fight with Pony, during which time we both figured out that we were angry at the other for never being able to see each other, and it ended in me bawling on the stairs across from the store for like half an hour. My energy levels are totally depleted. There's just nothing left. I felt like shit around Christmas, and then so much better after my time off, but now I'm right back to where I was before and I feel so unhappy. I obviously don't want to be unemployed, but I just can't deal with this anymore. I need to get some sanity back into my life.

On shit days

You know when you can't sleep until really late, and then the rest of the day passes in a kind of haze? And then everything that happens is tinged with this hint of sadness that doesn't really have a reason to be there other than to fuck with your general well-being? Maybe that's just me.

On never-ending weekends and awesome parties

This weekend felt extremely long for some reason. Not in a bad way, just kinda eternal. Never-ending.

On administrative disasters and death

Man, job hunting ain't easy. I received a crazy four page application thingie for one of the jobs I applied for. I was almost a little surprised that they didn't ask for my star sign or blood type or favorite breakfast cereal. Talk about being thorough. They required two letters of reference though, at least one from an employer, and that makes me a little bit nervous. I can probably get a letter of recommendation from one of my teachers, but asking Karate Husband to write me something is just about the scariest thing ever. Maybe I should ask his wife? She's the one in charge of the staff after all, and she likes me. Not that she ever called me 'little fishie', but she's always really kind to me, so I guess I've got that going for me anyway. Strangely the rest of the staff don't seem to like her all that much. It would seem that the staff and I have pretty different ideas of our bosses in general. Probably because they've all worked there for far longer than I have. Ah well. As long as I get my reference it's all good.

Sorry Karate Husband, the little fishie needs a bigger bowl.