On people fighting for you but not giving you a hug

Operation Get Work Shit Together seems to really be working out. My bosses at Ikebukuro approached me today to tell me that my Akihabara boss keeps asking them to send me over. "You're booking up here," the big bald one said. "We can send him someone else, but you we want to keep." I think my Akihabara boss is cool and all, but I kinda don't want to work there given that it's a 30 minute trip instead of a seven minute one, making it way out of my way. I've gotta say though, I love having people fight over me. My Akihabara boss even told me they had beforehand. "All the Learning Studios were fighting to get you when we heard that they were placing a young female somewhere in the area. After all, they're the ones that get booked the most." And at over 80% lessons booked for my first month, with 85% of my Ikebukuro lessons booked alone, I can see what they mean. I'm just happy I seem to be pretty good at my job too, and not just a piece of ass. Today I even got to move out of my dark corner booth into a window booth. This might've been a coincidence. I suspect it wasn't. Akihabara may bribe me with beer and cookies, but give an architecture nerd a window booth in an office on the 20th floor in the most interesting city in the world, and you've got yourself a happy camper.

On having one of those days

I hear ya, boy.

On fighting loneliness and becoming an adult

I love how people in this country unironically can go "I love drinking!" with a happy smile on their face and not automatically be pegged as alcoholics. So many people I've met through work will happily admit to getting wasted as a hobby. "I like alcohol!" they'll smile, and I kinda have to surpress a giggle. Say that anywhere else in the world and people will try to put you in rehab. I can relate to these people. I, too, like alcohol. So much so, in fact, that I decided I hadn't gotten my drink on in way too long and invited my Akihabara boss (who bribed me with cookies on Tuesday) of all people do go drinking with me after work on Thursday. I say boss, he's probably more of my manager, but he's the person who keeps the instructors organized over at the studio. He obliged by getting rid of my last lesson and taking me out for drinks at this pub a few floors down from the office, and it was awesome to just be able to talk to someone like a human being again!

On cookies and other grocery matters

It only takes one quick look into my shopping bag from my trip to the grocery store to cement the fact that I'm not a grown-up. In fact, I'm a twelve year old with a bad ice coffee habit. Seriously. I've never been the queen of proper meals, but I kinda thought I'd change that a bit once I moved. Turns out I'm still as lazy as I've ever been in the cooking department.

On getting letter bombed

Last night I got sick of not having any friends, and then it struck me: How did I make my Japanese friends to start with? Japan-guide's Friends section! Why hadn't I thought of that before? So I wrote up a short ad and posted it, and... well...

The response has been completely overwhelming. I think I've been contacted by over thirty people in the past twelve hours, encounting. Granted, some want to use me for free English practice and some are creepy dudes looking to date, but I'd like to think that somewhere in this mess of messages, I can find some cool people who just want to hang out and and be chill. It's going to take me a minute to sort through all of them, so I might be out of the loop for a little while. I'll be back soon though, promise! Peace out, homies!

On slightly off days with amazing lunch

Today is kinda shaping up to be the most awkward day ever. I've currently thrown out like half of my wardrobe onto my hallway floor, in one of those typical movie-girl "I have nothing to wear"-type rants. I'm sick of everything I own, pretty much. I get the feeling that nothing looks good here, or is weather appropriate. Somehow I think it's because I look so much different from everyone as well. I kinda want to fit in, but I can't, so I try to look cute, but their way of looking cute doesn't really correspond to my wardrobe. It sucks. It really does. It's hard to find a balance.

Who am I when I'm here? Who am I when I'm not my teacher self? What do I want to be? Who can I be? Today, what to wear on my day off has become a chore, because I don't know what's cute. At home, I always had people to go "Hey, nice outfit!" or the Philosopher to tell me I look cute, or even to just knock on G's door and go "Hey G! Cute or crazy?" and then do a little twirl. I feel like this not-having-friends-business really is undermining my confidence. 

On people being the best and people being basic bitches

I'm not going to lie, living all alone in a big city isn't always easy. It gets pretty lonely when you don't really know anyone, when people just assume that you can't talk to them and you're just passing through. Not really having friends has been kinda rough for me. I don't like being lonely. I've kinda gotten used to having people around to talk to. Here, people do double-takes a lot, but I doubt it's so much for my stellar good looks (*cough*) as for the fact that I'm a good fifteen to twenty cm taller than the average girl here. It makes me pretty uncomfortable and a little self-conscious, but the real kicker isn't that people look - it's that people don't talk to me. Like ever. At least not outside of work. People in stores and restaurants say their store- and restaurant lines and not a single thing beyond that. At least up until last night, when I didn't feel like going to bed and instead went to the 24 hour convenience store down the road to get something to eat at two in the morning.

On maximum love for minimalism and curtain obsessions

I love Muji. Others may say that too, but I really love Muji. Like if Muji was a person, I'd have Muji's babies, and they'd be beautiful and easy to deal with and totally affordable, and they'd go with everything. I don't think I've ever been unhappy with anything Muji-related since I realized that the store actually exists. I'd be happy to by all my stuff from Muji, all the time.

Because people who want more than minimalism are just being greedy.

On the death of the Alpha Nerd

I guess being able to spend your day before work hanging around Akihabara browsing the various nerdy stores and taking in all of that otaku culture just really goes to cement my new-found position of Alpha Nerd. This is the kind of shit that would make me at twelve pretty much wet myself with excitement.

Because yay, anime!

On cool people and cold beer equalling satisfaction

Is this the kind of tiredness that people associate with a good day's work? When I would come home from the restaurant, I'd be sad and drained and just slump into bed and sleep like the dead, but with this job I feel different. I came home today, tired but still feeling pretty envigorated. I cracked a beer, I opened a pack of okonomiyaki flavoured ramen snacks and was just happy with pretty much everything.

The trinity of stuff dreams are made of.

Now I'm just hanging around waiting for my rice to finish cooking so that I can have some dinner before hitting the sack. I feel really good about things today. No weirdos or nothing. I got at least one booking out of the work party on Saturday - a big, kindly otaku who works for a publishing company and loves to attempt to speak English, but kinda can't. At all. He came in, apologizing for having a cold and making sure to ask beforehand if it was alright that I see him even if he had to wear a mask to keep the germs off me. He then proceeded to talk loudly and enthusiastically in completely broken English about food and work related trips. I really like that guy.

On sleazeballs and scary soup

I met my first Japanese sleazeball today! I know I shouldn't really sound so enthusiastic in saying it, but I was wondering whether all Japanese people really are nice. Turns out they're not really. I had a lesson with a guy today who was the stereotypical jock. He seemed smart enough, and wasn't bad-looking, but he had the crappiest attitude. Entertaining at times, like when he told me about his Friday evening, which consisted of going out and getting hammered until 4 a.m., and then going back to work for his 9 a.m. start, sleeping in the conference room and waking up with a hangover; but around fifteen minutes late to a 40 minute lesson, and also kinda sleazy. "Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked pretty much off the bat. "Uh, yeah," I replied. "In Sweden?" he proceeded to ask, and upon my confirmation he pretty much went "Hah, wonder how long that'll last. I bet he's in for a disappointment. You'll probably end up staying here for ten years." before going on to talk about how him and his girlfriend weren't in a good place lately, "so this weekend, I want to go out and find a new girlfriend!"

Yeah, eww. I was so turned off that I was hardly able to try to have a proper lesson with the guy. It makes me feel lucky that everyone else has been really sweet and polite. I hope the awkwardness that this lesson caused won't get him to give me a negative evaluation or something equally shitty. "You should go to this place in Roppongi. It's a good place for young women to meet young men." Thanks, I'll pass. Creep.

On work woes and wonders

I'm weird with grades. Just completely irrational. I take them way too seriously, to a point where it just gets stupid. Why is this coming up now? Well, my lessons are graded by the students. They don't always grade them, sofar only three people have, which is just over 20% of the number of people I've taught. Anywho, the first two left bright and shiny 5's, which was a great ego boost for my first day. Person number three, however, left a 3. I tried to wrack my brain as to who this might've been, and I think it might've been the very intense high school PE teacher who was kinda obsessed with soccer, who might've not wanted to talk all lesson as we accidentally ended up doing (rather than just half as specified in his information). A 3 isn't even particularly bad, it's still a passing score, but I feel a little embarrassed about it. I mean, I'm new and all, but I think I should be able to do better.

Having said that, a 3's not very different from a 4, and if my grades had been all 4's, then I wouldn't be upset. However, if that were the case, then my average would've actually been lower than what it is now. I think I'm missing the consistency. I shouldn't be beating myself up about this, yesterday was only my second day after all. As long as it's not a negative, which is a 1 or 2, I'm still in the clear. Stupid brain to be wired to be unhappy with a passing grade. I should just be chill about it.

On glorious returns and apartment love

Like how do I even?

I'm back from the dead, dear silent readers! Well, I say dead, but the truth is that I've moved into my new apartment and only got the internet up and running today. Man, there was just so much paper work to get through with all of that, and most of it was in Japanese. Seriously, I have no idea how people who speak zero Japanese even make it a day in this country. It must be ridiculously hard. I asked another guy at work, who said he spoke like ten words of it, and he just said that he had a girlfriend who spoke Japanese and who'd take care of everything for him, like getting him a phone and a bank account. In comparison I feel like I'm a mix of fiercely independant and very alone. I'm not unhappy with that state of being, as I do enjoy a whole lot of time with myself, but it does feel a little odd to not really have anyone at all around when I'm used to people around at pretty much all times.

On storms and solitude

My parents left this morning, and I'm finding it a little difficult to function today. I don't know if it's because I'm exhausted from the past two weeks, or if it's because I'm kinda nervous and hiding from responsibilities now that I really am all alone and everything is on me. It's a pretty terrifying thought. I should at least make an attempt to get down to the Nakano ward office to change my address from where I'm staying now to my new apartment, which feels daunting despite the fact that it all worked out without a hitch last time I did it. Now I won't have my parental paparazzi following me either, so I guess that source of stress has dissipated. Then again, the fact that I felt kinda like I was wilting when my mom texted me "Miss you already. Should've hugged you more. Love you." goes to show that even though I find them to be super annoying at times, they just want to help out and be there for me. One could wish it wasn't in such an at times overbearing way, but that's just their way. Annoying traits and all, family is family, and I really do love them. From here on out though, things are for real.

On fluffy heart things and blog hiding

Mom walked by as I was doing stuff on my computer. "Oh hey, you have a blog?" Uh... no? It's, uh... a mirage?

I answered really vaguely and I think she got that I don't want her to read it. I write things as they happen to me, and the feelings that come along with them, so it's not always the most flattering things that make its way onto this medium. I'm considering if I should stop linking it on places again just to minimize the risk of her finding it. We annoy the hell out of each other sometimes, but I don't want to be hurtful. I also don't want to censor myself, because this blog is a comforting emotional outlet.

On non-existing friends and existing clients

In seeing groups of people out and about on a Friday night, it struck me that I kinda wish I had friends. I mean, I have awesome Swedish friends, and I have T and some others here, but I saw these groups of three to four people, going out and just hanging out together, or two friends with similar styles just walking down the street talking and laughing, and I felt a twinge of jealousy and sadness. Obviously with all the things that have been going on lately I don't have the social energy or the time to do all of those things with said hypothetical friends, but it still feels kinda depressing to not have any.

On anger issues and luxury work bathrooms

Parental grievances were no less today than yesterday, and today I'm beginning to really feel pissed. We were going to meet to go to Ikea in Tachikawa, because why deny the Swedish stereotype? Anywho, I left early to go pay the rent and then go to work, and my parents told me to call if there were any snags, and that we would meet up later in Shinjuku to take the train together. They couldn't do my practice lesson today at the Learning Studio in Ikebukuro, so I got off about an hour and a half earlier than predicted. I tried calling them to no avail, but texted to tell them to call me back before heading to a cafe for some lunch.

Now, two and a half hours, 3 more texts and a thousand unanswered phone calls later, I'm still alone at a cafe in Shinjuku, waiting to hear from them. At this point there's not even much of a point of even going all the way to Tachikawa, as that will take half an hour, and Ikea closes at seven. Ikea trips are never fast. This is going to be a long night.

On mother issues and money issues

I wonder if I'm being ungrateful by thinking that my parents, or at least my mom, is being kinda ungrateful. It's been happening quite a lot here in Tokyo, where I feel like I've been bending over backwards to try to accomodate to her by being a combined tour guide and interpreter, and it feels like she's just throwing it back in my face. Like today, when she was trying to find a specific kind of tea kettle, she snapped at me for not wanting to go check out rice cookers and leaving her with the poor tiny Japanese girl who didn't know English. "We've been doing just fine without you!" The other day when I wanted to meet T, but developed a migraine, she told me to just cancel the whole thing, because "Well, it's not like it's super fun for us or anything," as if the shit she's dragged me to has been super fun for me. Also mid-migraine she told me to stop being such a wuzz, and despite never ever having had a real migraine told me that "It's just a headache, I get headaches all the time", refused to let me take some of her painkillers to work and told me to go buy my own at the store in my own time as well. Yeah, I need my own painkillers, but I'll be at a desk from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. How difficult would it have been to just give me two? How was that even an issue? And now that I realized that I wouldn't be able to pay the initial money for the apartment via internet but instead would have to either go to the bank or to do a transfer via ATM, she decided to go ahead and go to the Bunka Gakkuen Costume Museum without me, because I told her I was nervous about making my 1 p.m. deadline for work in Ikebukuro. "That's not my problem. It's not like you have to go. I'm going though."

On having a body set on mutiny and other aspects of really bad days

I don't know if you silent readers have bodies like mine, bodies that seem to fucking hate your guts. Last night all the nerves and the sleeplessness caught up with me, and I felt absolutely terrible by the time I got home on Sunday, and it hasn't subsided since. Headache, nausea, the works. Really not all that convenient when I'm doing my Initial Certification week for work. Taking notes has been fine, and I scored 100% on both of the written quizzes, but towards the end of the day I was so exhausted and in pain that I couldn't make heads or tails of the exercises given. I must've looked exhausted, because the Chinese Canadian instructor made a point of opening the doors for me, which he hadn't done for the Taiwanese girl who left about 45 seconds before me. Sweet, but ultimately it just made me realize that I probably looked as wretched as I felt, which is terribly un-charming.