On cages

There's a particular moment of infinite sadness when I find out personal things about people sometimes. T was asking a whole bunch of questions about what I'd do in the long run really, architecture or teaching. He couldn't seem to wrap his head around the notion that I could do both, or neither, or anything in particular. He said that while he was sure that having a teacher like me would be fun, I might have a hard time adjusting to the lifestyle there, with conformity and schooling being such strong points in the society. I was a little annoyed, and asked if he'd had everything planned out from the start, assuming of course that he wouldn't, since I doubt most people end up doing what they wanted to do at age 5 (because if they did, we'd have a lot more astronauts out there). The answer I got sparked one of those moments when culture clash hits deep and makes me sad - "My road was decided the beginning. It's not something that I want to do, but something that I have to do." I was perplexed, and asked him if he wasn't happy. "Not really, no."

Things like this break my heart. I'm in every aspect a libertarian, and I've been raised that no matter what I do or who I become, I'll have people to support me. Once again, it's my dad's lesson of "There's a difference between who you are and what you do. While we may disapprove of what you do, we'll always love you." I always figured that everyone had a family like this, and were raised along the same guidelines, which is what makes me so sad for others when I realize that they've had a much harder time in a place where love hasn't been unconditional in the same way as mine.

Having your life decided for you just because you happen to be born into a family as the first son feels archaic. Of course there's nothing I can do about it, save try to encourage him to try to find his own happiness. He told me he'd rather run a small guest house or something, but said that his schooling wasn't good enough to allow for it. I always knew culture clashes would come along, but I've had a hard time understanding for real how different our situations are. I'm free in a lot of ways he's not.

While these things are difficult to hear, I'm sure they're even more difficult to put into words, and in a way I'm happy that our friendship is proving strong enough for him to have the courage to tell me things this personal. All the same I wish there was something concrete I could do, other than offer words of encouragement and compassion. I hate when my friends are in pain, and I always want to relieve them of it in any way I know how, but now I'm just stumped. What can you do for someone raised in a traditional family without being there in person to offer 'real' support? What can I say when I'm clearly too naive to understand what he's going through? I wish I could see him setting up that small guesthouse he wanted, but the truth is - I don't know if he could ever defy his family that way, and it's tragic.