On deaths and magic

Things have been pretty up and down for the past few days. For one, there have been a number of casualties in the aquarium department despite my best intentions - Debu-chan and Gin-chan have both died, and the Tomson 5 have been decimated to the Tomson 3. That being said, they seem to be much happier chilling on their own in the tank, and I have hopes that they might be able to pull through. I was genuinely saddened by the death of Debu-chan, seeing the amount of work I put into keeping him alive, but I guess with everything from the new tank that hasn't cycled properly yet, the stress of being a festival fish, the ich and all that just escalated to the point where there wasn't really anything to do anymore. It sucks, but what can you do? At least now they have some greenery and a big-ass wooden stump to hide behind, and I'm hoping they'll pull through.

On roads and growing

The Philosopher and I broke up last night. It was kinda long in the making, with things being bad for quite some time this fall, but it just got to the point where we wanted different things, and couldn't give the other what they wanted. I wanted space, he wanted more emotional availability. I'm not the type of person who likes to admit defeat, but the distance wasn't doable in the way we would've liked it to be. We still both deeply care for one another, and would've obviously wished that things could have progressed differently, but things don't happen in this world as they would in an ideal. I worried a lot about the future, since I don't want to leave Japan, and while he offered to try to find a graduate position in Tokyo, this life isn't easy. This place is different. It makes you different, and if you don't want that, or don't want to come here for your own sake, it's not going to work. For him to give up his entire life and move across the globe to a country he knows practically nothing about and with a language he knows literally nothing of, would have been too much weight on my shoulders. I didn't want that.

On infinite spaces

Sad things happen to good people.

On nests and disco homes

So far I'm pretty convinced that Debu-chan has something known as Ich. This morning now all I could really do was watch him, since I was waiting for my IKEA delivery and kinda couldn't leave my apartment, but I was freaking out a little internally. I wanted to run out and buy a heater, a siphon and some fish salt, along with some plants for comfort, but time-wise I was in a really bad place. I needed to head to work, and even though it was pretty much as far from a busy day as humanly possible,  I was scared that they might not be alive by the time I came back home. Luckily, since pretty much no one showed up to work today, student-wise, I was able to take two of my coworkers to the very serious goldfish shop during my food break. Getting home, I immediately cleaned the tank, changed the water and medicated the whole thing, turning the water blue. The fish seemed to like their new disco home, until one of the Tomson 5 promptly died. Disco homes must not be for everybody. While this saddens me a bit, my main priority in this case is Debu-chan, who does seem to look happier. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what will happen now.

On pet ponderings

It's nice to have pets. It's nice to have something waiting for you when you get home in the evening, silently chilling in the corner with only the low soothing bubbling of the filter making any noise. I understand why fish are so popular here. They make for really nice decoration in relatively cramped conditions, and they're kinda personable when you really look at them. Enough so to make me kinda anxious about everything they do and don't do. These goldfish are now my babies, and no matter how resilient the good people of the internet tell me that they are, I'm terrified that I'll end up fucking them up.

On festivities and festivals

Man, this weekend, you guys. It's been completely off the hook. So much going on! And so little time to do grown-up things like dishes or laundry. The way a weekend should be, that is. That being said, I'm completely exhausted and feel pretty drained. Natto, my cute Japanese-Australian coworker was over at my booth today, going "Have you slept okay? Not that you don't look good, but you look kinda out of it," which I guess is true. I was feeling dazed today. Ever since the typhoons, bookings have been less than stellar at work, for a lot of people.

Hopefully the work I put in at the Halloween party ends up paying off. I mean, it was an alright event, even though I can't say I could distinguish it too much from actual work, but whatever. Free food, free drinks, and lots of cute tiny Japanese girls who wanted to pose with and hug the Snorlax. Life could be worse.

Colleagues, more or less in focus.

On Swedish days and Snorlax wonderings

Man, trying to think of a good outfit for Halloween parties is hard! I decided on being the Snorlax, because hell, it's the easiest outfit imaginable, but there are so many questions. Will people get it? Will I look enough like the Snorlax for the resemblance to be there? How should I wear my hair? Should I make it into two little ear buns for when I want to wear the hood down, even if this plus my hood makes my head look enormous? Should I wear glasses or force myself into my old contacts, seeing as I haven't had time to get any new ones? Should I go for a cute or natural makeup? What shoes should I wear? What do I wear underneath this crazy warm outfit? I mean, Snorlaxin' ain't easy.

On friendly concerns and furniture conundrums

Being in a bit of a slump, it was a really nice feeling to have today be the last day of the week. I was tempted to call in sick and take the day off, but I figured that I'd feel better if I just went in and busted it out, working through everything feeling shitty right now. One of my older coworkers, Andrew, looked at me and went "Wow, you look practically suicidal. What's wrong?" And yeah, while that doesn't exactly help me cheer up, I was kinda moved by the fact that he wasn't just saying it to be a dick. Andrew has no filter and will just spew out whatever he thinks of, but I could tell that he was actually coming from a place of kindness and concern. He kept trying to talk to me in the breaks between lessons, not accepting my "You know, stuff," as a viable answer, but really trying to get at the problem. It felt a little invasive, since Andrew isn't really the type of character I would spontaneously go to if I had a problem, but the thought was there, and that actually did make a difference. It made me feel better, all things considered. I just didn't think that my inner crappiness was so visible. Gonna have to work on that.

On new buddies and no buddies

I was really sure I had things under control, work-wise, because it was going so well there for a moment. I was cruising at a 4.8, but then suddenly, it dropped to 4.74, and now with a 3 in the baggage, it's down to a 4.67, and I'm so confused as to where things went wrong. Days I feel were good were apparently shit, and it's like all the energy I'm mustering to be a good teacher is wasted because I don't know which way to turn to please everybody. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've still only been doing this for four months, and I'm busting my balls every day, but fuck, I'm just so confused. At least it's not a negative, but I was doing so well. Now? I have no idea. The constant judging is making my head spinn.

On decisions

On typhoons and other shitty things

As if one typhoon wasn't enough, another one rolled in today, completely obliterating my plans to go to go to a hot springs resort someplace and soak my worries away. Instead, I ended up going with on a museum adventure day with T, to two of the most depressing and disgusting museums in Tokyo - the Parasitological Museum in Meguro, and the Yushukan war museum at the Yasukuni shrine. Because what is a better substitute for rest and relaxation than parasites and death?

On typhoons and other cool things

For once, things have felt like they've been lining up. I mean, the weekend felt pretty bad, what with hormonal crap going on and everything, but so far, this week has proven to be pretty good. Knock on wood and all that. Work is on a total roll, and I feel really proud of myself for turning it around. I'm not sure exactly what I did to make it work, but whatever it was it seems to be responding with people, and I feel good.

On bloodbaths and disappointments

I've had such a weird weekend. Like, I've been so off. Everything just left me totally 'meh'. I had plans to go get cushions to use to sit on the floor, and even had ideas of going to IKEA to pick up chairs or a cart for the kitchen or whatever, but I ended up just sitting around, watching crappy TV shows and eating avocado. I guess it was just some of those days, but it feels like I wasted a perfectly good couple of days, and with that, a perfectly good weekend off.

On two weeks of radio silence, part two

One of the things that felt really hard for me during my radio silence was the fact that I felt completely isolated from my family. How isolated? Well, when visiting Sankeien, my brother texted me asking if I wanted to be in on my cousin's wedding gift. I was not invited to this wedding.

Now obviously that probably wasn't a slight, but more of a 'Well, it's not like she can come anyway'-type deal, but to not even be asked when clearly everyone else in the family was, felt harsh. When talking to mom later, she mentioned a funeral they were going to on the weekend. Apparently the wife of my dad's twin brother had died. No one had told me.

So yeah, that was fun. Feeling like the world has moved on without you, and that just four months can make your own family stop thinking about you was something that quite upset me. It's like because I'm not there, I don't matter. And what helps when you're feeling upset?

On two weeks of radio silence, part one

So this thing about writing on a regular basis doesn't seem to be working out all too great for me. September turned out to be a pretty crazy month of bad sleeping, skin breakouts and major fights with the Philosopher. It was a bad time. It's still not great, and there are still a whole bunch of things I'm considering, but at least work seems to be in a better place. I seem to have gotten some of the mojo back that I lost while in the middle of a shit storm. In a way, it feels kinda good to just throw yourself into trying to do a good job at work. The past two weeks, it's like I've actually given a crap about the people I teach. It's a welcome change, I guess.

So what have I been up to these past few weeks of radio silence? Well, I've taken the road down Memory Lane, into Thinking Territory. The inside of my head is a pretty interesting place, this time of year. Don't worry, I've been to actual places too, but they're kinda related.