On life and hearts

Yesterday, when we met in the subway to go play pool together, Hemingway greeted me with the news that he's going back to Hong Kong again for a month. Obviously this sucks (and it totally threw me off my game), and while I was unhappy and upset, of course it's only natural that he goes. I mean, his family lives there and everything, I'd be surprised if he chose to spend his vacations elsewhere. Still, doesn't stop me from moping, so moping shall commence. Until then, I decided that the best course of action would be to hang out with my sister Hannibal and her sons, taking them to the Police Museum and walking in the sweltering sun.



Having not managed yet to secure any kind of work, and not started on the TEFL-course either, just leaves me feeling rather apprehensive about... well, everything. I still feel some remnants of my previous school exhaustion, and some days I still just lie and stare into the wall without finding much energy to be able to do anything else. I don't know if I'm just being lazy or if it's a sign of other things, but it's just hard to get myself going sometimes. Y told me that she thinks it's best if I start the TEFL as soon as possible, because she's afraid that it won't get done if I try to do it at the same time as I work, and I guess she's right. It's probably a good enough thing to distract myself with when Hemingway's gone.

Six months ago, when I started blogging, I thought all of this stuff would be at least relatively easy. I'd keep my steam going, push through school, finish up the TEFL, get a summer job and then blast over to Japan as soon as humanly possible.

Job hunting sucks.

I had no real ties and nothing that would stop me from just beginning a completely different life over there from total scratch, and I was happy with that. Now, while I still want to go and I'm convinced that I'll regret it forever if I don't, it's not nearly as easy. My heart, who before would conveniently shut up in cases of important decisions where it wasn't wanted, now sits there and wants to govern what I do in a way I'm not used to letting it. I've always found pride in letting my heart come second after my brain. It's the way I do business. Now I just feel confused about all of it. I don't want to give up on Japan, but I can't imagine giving up my heart right now either.

I can't believe it's been almost a year already.