On body image

Today one of my favourite Swedish designers needed a size 38 model to try stuff on. Having size 36/38 in like everything I ever wear, I figured I'd give it a try and emailed him my measurements. Turns out the measurements were completely off, and that both my boobs and hips should've been smaller (by like, inches). My waist and length were fine, but apparently I've got too much 'junk in the trunk' or whatever. And really, it's fine that I wasn't picked (although a little embarrassed, because hey, I didn't want to be the girl who sent her measurements to a designer and was told no for being too big, even though he didn't use any such words), although I'm stuck wondering what the hell a size 38 is supposed to be. If size 38 in the store fits, am I not a size 38? It's shit like this that makes people think they're too large. No wonder weird eating habits are on the rise.
...OK guys, you know what? I lied. I wasn't fine. I was mortified receiving his reply. I then timed it to go for my first run in two weeks - I keep putting it off after the Greece fiasco, and of course it turned to shit as well. Obviously stamina isn't what it's supposed to be after all that time. Nevertheless, it didn't stop me from feeling like a complete and utter (sweaty) failure out in the woods. God, to feel my thighs rub against each other made me want to sit down and cry.

I was thinking in Greece, when reflecting about my size and how uncomfortable I felt in a bikini, if eating disorders ever really go away. When I was 19 I had some serious anorexic tendencies. It started out as cutting back on food because I had a really tight budget, and gradually I started losing weight without noticing. When I'd progressed to the point of being close to being underweight, I started getting a lot of compliments for my figure. This led to an obsession with scales - I'd weigh myself every day at work and punish myself if there hadn't been any 'improvement' since the last time I was on the scale. After a while, my BMI was down to 18,5 and I figured that the scale and I weren't best friends after all. I stopped weighing myself, got together with a guy who encouraged me to eat more, and got on the pill which made me instantly gain like 5 kg. I still miss that body though.

Even though I eat now, I'm still constantly preoccupied with food and body image. I don't even know if I want to not be.

Because I always kinda wanted to be just like Agyness Deyn.