On problems I didn't even know I had

How I feel the world views me sometimes.

Moonlight called Pony last night, stating how worried and sad he was that I didn't want to talk. He told her that he's really worried about me, and was apparently worried about my weight, He said I looked thin, which surprised me because I was wearing my regular work jeans that my parents got me for my birthday, and I didn't think it would change that much in two months.
"I don't look that much thinner though, right?" I asked Pony, thinking she would agree and expose his worries as the guilty conscience bullshit I suspected them to be. "Have I really lost weight in the weeks I haven't seen Moonlight?"
"Yeah, you have," she said. "I just haven't said anything because you say you've got it under control and I don't want to nag. You've thinned out even more, especially your thighs. I'm smaller than you are, but your legs are now thinner than mine."

On paper mountains and bad run-ins

Sorry about the almost aggressive lack of posting, silent readers. It's been a bumpy couple of days. I celebrated my last day of work yesterday, which felt good and bad at the same time. Like, I really like my coworkers, but I hate dealing with most customers. Saying bye to people I like feels kinda sad. Of course I'll probably be by a few more times, especially seeing as I still need to turn in my hours, but I won't be working there anymore, and that feels strange. Good, but strange. Given how I've been feeling since New Years, I think I need time away from that place.

On thought processes and other scary things

I know that the previous point probably left some to be desired for those of you who want to know about what's going on. I was feeling a little bit too rattled to write at the time, and I still honestly do, but I'd like to try to get it out of my head so that it doesn't float around there taking up all this space.

Getting this job is nowhere near clean cut, emotions-wise. I've worked for this for years. I've devoted myself to it wholly. It's the greatest adventure I've dared attempt. It makes me feel like I'm a lost four year old, all alone.

On conflicting emotions and huge life changes

Checking my email this morning led to serious shaking, crying and a long string of words like 'fuck' and 'shit' tied together.

I got the job.

On uncertainty and being a special snowflake

I'm beginning to wonder how many mornings this week will be spent furiously refreshing my email, hoping for a response on my application. I spent both yesterday's and this morning refreshing my Japanese at Pony's apartment, and brought my computer for the express purpose of having an eye on my inbox at all times (and some Spotify for good measure). It's a waiting game, and while waiting games make me nervous, I'll wait, ready to pounce. Of course I'm absolutely terrified that the answer may be no, but equally terrified should it be yes. But whatever it is, not knowing trumps it all in terms of what makes me the most uncomfortable.

On fear

Tomorrow might be the day. I don't know what to do if it is.

I'm not sure if I've ever been more afraid.

On strange affections

I wonder if I'm right to feel like a dirty pervert for having a slight obsession/crush on Karate son. In my eyes, that boy can do no wrong. He's only 15, but his calm and quiet demeanor intrigues me, and he has a smile that, as John Green so beautifully put it, could end wars and cure cancer. It's some kind of magic. Karate wife was playing with SameName's baby, joking with me, and Karate son came by and smiled that beautiful smile of his, and I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit enamored with this kid. Not like I'm going to pull him into a broom closet and rob him of his innocence or anything, but I just kinda wish I knew him. He seems like a really good kid, and he's by far my favorite out of the many Karate children. There's just something about him that resonates with me. I caught myself thinking I'd kinda miss him once I stop working at the restaurant. Oh well. It's nice to know that people with dick dads don't always end up dicks. That in and of itself should be worth something.