On girl on girl competition

Fighting at restaurants may be the most tacky thing on the planet. Seriously, don't be that couple holding heated debates as quietly as possible in the outdoor serving area. You're not as discrete as you want to be. It took 20 minutes of me awkwardly circling them to even get them to give me their order. And suddenly, like magic, they were all peachy and nice, commenting on how happy I looked and asking how I was and saying how extremely much I looked like the guy's ex. A dubious compliment if I ever got one. The whole thing was surreal.



It's Friday, which means that I work with another waitress for the evening. Last week I worked with a really sweet Japanese woman who turned out to be super nice, but today it seems like I'll be working with a Swedish girl who normally works weekends, and that's where I start having some awkward and admittedly stupid issues with it.

I generally don't deal well with girls. Like, at all. I have female friends, sure, but they're generally other girls who don't deal well with girls either. I'm a little bit suspicious about any girl I don't know. They might be crazy bitches or whatever in my brain. Most of the time they're perfectly fine, so it's just me being stupid and sexist, but I always get the same feeling of "Euuurgh, I don't wanna!" whenever I'm set up to hang out with an unknown girl. I've always clicked better with boys, mainly because I've had this preconceived image that I have nothing in common with most girls, and that I won't like them.

As soon as I think about it, I'm instantly kinda ashamed of the way I think when I think like that. I mean, at least I'm aware that it's what I'm doing, but I wish I was... I don't know, less of a sexist bitch I guess. I guess it's all down to the fact that I don't want anyone stealing my thunder. I want to be popular with my coworkers. I want to be the cool, smart girl who can speak Japanese and is good at her job. I want to be the favourite. Bringing another white chick into the mix makes me feel like I need to compete, when really that's all in my head. Stupid head.

I was thinking about it the other day, how I feel a bit like I have a dog brain sometimes. I work so hard to please the people who I want to impress, hoping for a compliment or for someone to tell me or show me that I'm doing a good job. Moments like Karate Husband telling his visiting Japanese friends about me and them giving me compliments on my Japanese, Shan telling me what a hard worker I am or customers saying nice things about the restaurant make me feel appreciated and needed around the place, which I really really want to be. I guess my fear of this other Swedish chick is based on the fact that I'm freaked out that people will like her more than me.

In the end, it doesn't matter what I think of this other girl. We're just there to work, and I really need to pull my head out of my ass and stop being so self-absorbed. Whether or not I like her isn't a part of the equation from the restaurant's point of view. Ah well, only one more work day until the weekend and I finally get the chance to hang out with Pony. Let's keep the steam up.