On bad days with bad feelings

The same way a month can feel like an eternity, a week and a half can feel like aeons. I've been torn between every emotional state from glee to feeling like I'm at the brink of a huge gaping black hole, sucking all of my happiness into it. I wish I knew how things got this way. I never thought they would.

Naively, perhaps, I thought that life with the Philosopher would only be marginally different here than back in Stockholm. The scenery would be different, but the dynamics the same. We'd have our everyday routine, act the same way we did before, and be safe from change. I was perplexed when my mom wished me luck before he came. "Things will be weird," she said, and they have been. It's heartbreaking. It leaves me so confused. My love for this city and my love for the Philosopher are two things that I'm not sure if I'll be able to ever mesh. Had I never left, we probably still would've been the same cute, fluffy couple for as long a period as that would've worked out. Here? It's like we're beginning to speak different languages. He worries that the distance will change things between us, and his constant worrying feels like insinuations to me, and I feel hurt. Couple that with a tiny apartment and laughably little alone time on my part and it turns into today - a day spent apart where I wander aimlessly and feel like someone scooped out all of my insides. Where did this go wrong?

Obviously every day isn't like today. Good days are great. Yesterday, for instance, we checked out an Owl Cafe and had the most amazing time together. Other days have been so much fun too. The thing is, I tend to feel like a tour guide sometimes. I take the initiative of where to go, and he follows. I end up doing all the talking, ordering all the food, making sure we're going the right way. I get that I know more about this city than he does, and that some things are done much easier with the ability to communicate with relative ease, but I feel burdoned by the responsibility to always be fun, always know what to do and always having a plan. Being always 'on' is exhausting. The things we do for people we love.

...because face it, we're adorable.

... but maybe not so much with the derp face that says "Oh my god, I'm actually holding this wild thing that might claw my eyes out and it's so fluffy!"

I got an 'off' day today though, and it was very needed. I went for an awesome tsukemen lunch with my Akihabara boss, and spent an hour or two at the café near my house, reading the latest Haruki Murakami book that the Philospher gave me, and just generally trying to chill out a bit. I've gotta say it makes me feel better, but I'd love for some more of it.