On fluffy heart things and blog hiding

Mom walked by as I was doing stuff on my computer. "Oh hey, you have a blog?" Uh... no? It's, uh... a mirage?

I answered really vaguely and I think she got that I don't want her to read it. I write things as they happen to me, and the feelings that come along with them, so it's not always the most flattering things that make its way onto this medium. I'm considering if I should stop linking it on places again just to minimize the risk of her finding it. We annoy the hell out of each other sometimes, but I don't want to be hurtful. I also don't want to censor myself, because this blog is a comforting emotional outlet.

Speaking of emotional outlets, being away from the Philosopher is an emotional roller coaster if I've ever been on one. I dreamt about him the other night, that I found him in a park somewhere in Sweden, overlooking the water, with his bike and that navy blue knitted shirt I would steal and walk around in, and it was comforting in one way and absolutely heart wrenching in another. It didn't exactly help that he'd sent me a picture of us from the Valborg celebrations in Uppsala, where we were chilling in the sun and just being happy. It's a great memory, and being super camera shy, it's one of not too many pictures of the Philosopher and me together, but it's obviously sad. Some days I'm okay, and some days I feel like there's just a huge chunk of my heart missing.

I get some comfort out of the way that I feel about him though. It's different from anything I've ever felt before, and it's like it's this little fluffy creature that's taken to living wrapped around my heart, giving me comfort and support. The fluffy creature doesn't stop me from being sad though. I chatted with the Philosopher yesterday and he was heading out to see a play with his parents, before going to a party at his friend's place. I wasn't invited, which isn't odd, seeing that I live half a world away, but I still would've liked to be, just as a reminder to me that people back home haven't forgotten that I exist. Not being able to take part in regular everyday things like a normal girlfriend is kinda crushing some days. I wish I were there. He wishes I were there. And yet I'm only getting started here. Tomorrow is the two week mark, which is when it starts leaving Regular Vacation territory and crossing into the great unknown. I'm sad, but I'm not as worried about everything crashing and burning as I thought I would be. The fluffy creature is telling me that my heart won't change, that all of this is different but that things will be okay in the end.