On the universe being weird

Everything reminds me of moving. Seriously, it's like the entire universe is ganging up to keep constantly letting me know that D-day is slowly but surely closing in. Or will be, when I find out if I got the visa or not (which they emailed me about today. It would seem like I'm looking at another two to six weeks on that one). I recently started watching How I Met Your Mother after watching the finale with the Philosopher and his friends (and yeah, I do things backwards, I know), and you know what? In the episode I'm watching, the Canadian girl with commitment issues who dated Ted, the guy that apparently reminds everyone of the Philosopher, is moving to Tokyo for work. That might not seem all that pointed at me to you guys, but I can promise you people that if you were in the same situation you'd feel weird about it too.

Yesterday there was a girl over to check out my room. Since I'm going to be out the end of May, G is looking to fill the space as quickly as possible to not miss out on rent money. Whenever anyone asks me when I'm leaving, I always go: "Well, if my visa works out, I'm moving in the end of May." and most people just kinda leave it at that. G, on the other hand, goes: "Do you have any reason to think it won't? Of course it will. Stop worrying." Truthfully, I don't even know if I want to go anymore, and that's a huge source of anxiety for me. I wanted to leave for Tokyo because there was nothing here for me. Now, I think I might have gotten into the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'd feel just as stupid to give up what I have with the Philosopher as I would to give up Japan. I'm stuck in a lose-lose situation that will bring me massive stress up until the Immigration Bureau tells me what's what. The fact that it's already April 10th, putting my prospective move a mere month and half from now, doesn't make me feel any calmer or happier.

I just kinda pretend that everything's cool.

That in and of itself makes me feel guilty too. I've worked really hard, and I've done everything to the very best of my ability. Suddenly I might not want it, and I feel like a spoiled child. Why do I never know what I really want? I tell people who ask me how I feel about that it's like the scene from Jurassic Park where they're all hiding from the dinosaurs, sitting still because they hunt based on movement, and that's what it feels like. The Immigration Bureau is the dinosaurs. I'm just staying still and hoping that everything will go away. It's like whoever makes a move first loses. The only way I'm not losing my mind is by not thinking about it. Since not thinking about it is kinda impossible, I'm still completely insane, but I'm doing my best to not totally go off the deep end. Despite my best efforts, I'm pretty sure it's not paying off all that well. Maybe not to onlookers - when the Philospher and I had a really emotional discussion about it, he told me that I'd seemed so cool about it. I guess the reason is that I have a number of automated responses that kick in whenever I get questions about it. I know what people want to hear, so I give them that. If I were to actually tell everyone who's asking how I'm really feeling, everything would just go kinda nuts.

Fuck it, I should just build a blanket fort instead. Who's down for building a blanket fort with me? Although there's one resident that this blanket fort needs for me to want to hang out there long-term, and that's the Philosopher.

I've gotten to feeling like I've never felt the way I feel about the Philosopher for anyone else. That's evolved into the main reason that the idea of moving is scaring the absolute crap out of me. I think about him constantly. We're both doing out very best to be around each other constantly, because time feels so finite. I've lost interest in seeing people, which feels counter-productive as it was my main reason for quitting my job, but the stress has really gotten to me and all I want to do is to not have to talk and to be able to just curl up in a little ball with tea and Twin Peaks, making cat noises. Preferably from that blanket fort. Maybe that's what I should do tonight.