On new buddies and no buddies

I was really sure I had things under control, work-wise, because it was going so well there for a moment. I was cruising at a 4.8, but then suddenly, it dropped to 4.74, and now with a 3 in the baggage, it's down to a 4.67, and I'm so confused as to where things went wrong. Days I feel were good were apparently shit, and it's like all the energy I'm mustering to be a good teacher is wasted because I don't know which way to turn to please everybody. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've still only been doing this for four months, and I'm busting my balls every day, but fuck, I'm just so confused. At least it's not a negative, but I was doing so well. Now? I have no idea. The constant judging is making my head spinn.

T suggested that I should look into getting another job, like at a school or something, where I'd have better times and maybe even a better salary. Right now, the feeling of being completely obsessed with whatever's coming up in terms of numbers is definitely not working in my favour. It makes me cocky when things go well, and feel completely defeated when they don't, and living my life in a state of crazy rollercoaster rides just makes me drained and unhappy. Peewee tells me I care way too much. I guess maybe I do, but isn't that what you're supposed to do when you have a job? Care about it? Fuck, I don't even know anymore.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I want to find that fucking café.

I guess all I really can do is just keep trying. Keep trying, and limit my statistics checking to once a day. I have no idea how I'm going to pull that off, seeing as I have the self-discipline of a five year old (and given that I've refreshed the page like three times just writing this), but I think it might be best for my sanity after all. I hate that a few bad days can fuck up hard work - it's some Project Runway bullshit of "One day you're in, and the next day you're out", all based on the whims of clients. Like shit, I don't even know if any of this is even legitimately my fault. I'd like to think that it's not, being the narcissistic person that I am, and that it's all in the mind of some messed up clients or whatever, but I have no way of knowing that. All I know is that I'm trying so hard to not fuck up, and yet here I am, fucking up. A little less with each month, of course, but I'm not improving at the speed I want to improve. It's frustrating, and it's confusing, and this whole thing makes me really unhappy. Maybe I should try getting another job. Shit.

Anywho, moving on to something a little less depressing - I bought a new plant for my apartment. Yeah, it's no big whoop, but on the other hand, I needed to do something to get my mind off feeling absolutely awful for the past two weeks. The Muji store guy made the cutest little carrying arrangement for me when I came in, making me feel like I was carrying it around kinda like a pet. Maybe plants should be a kind of accessory? Maybe that's the next thing?

I named him Angus and took him out for coffee. I mean, not literally, I just stopped by a café on my way home, but I like my plant friends. The one I bought when I first moved in is still alive and thriving (and named Sheffield, if you were wondering), so I wanted to expand the family. After living with an actual family for so many years, living on my own has proved to be rather lonely. Don't get me wrong, I love my apartment and everything, but I don't know, I just wish having friends. Real friends. Close ones. Someone to have hot chocolate with after a bad day at 10 p.m. that doesn't rely on photosynthesis, even though they provide the exact amount of conversation that I wished for at that point.