On apprehension and excitement

Hemingway's coming back today, and as expected I'm nervous as absolute fuck. It's been close to two months since I last saw him, during which time I'm guessing he changed a bit into an abstract concept in my head. Like this new relationship state was just something that happened where I lived in complete celibacy waiting for the return of someone I know I care a lot for, but I'm not really sure how well I know or how much I know about. A bit like a monk or something I guess. Thing is, when all this elastic time snaps back and stops being tangible, and everything becomes concrete, I begin to panic a little. What if we don't like each other anymore? What if, somehow, I've been horribly mistaken and nothing turns out to be what I thought it was? What if the sky comes crashing down on my head when I'm waiting for him at the station?

Not completely correct, but you know.

Obviously I'm going to be scared. It's only normal, given the fact that relationships are scary and weird in my world. I'm letting myself feel all those things, because hell, better out than in. I can't rationalize them away as I'd like to, so better to just coast along on the wave.



Or slide, you know. Anything that's comfortable. Not that these things are comfortable. I'm rambling again, aren't I. Point is, I'm trying to extend some compassion to myself. The situation is weird and uncommon for me, and I'm not going to beat myself up about it. What happens will happen. Reading through this it sounds a bit like I'm not excited too, which is totally not true. I'm really excited about all of it, because I've missed him and I've wanted him to come home these past few months. I really want things to feel the way it's been pictured in my head. Hemingway's sweet, and he's good to me, and that's a good thing that I think I need right now.

It's OK to be scared. It's OK if things get fucked up too. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. I'm in this for the ride, and I'm pretty happy about it, even if I'm nervous. It's all good. Slide.

What are you waiting for?